Gender & Identity

Things We Need To Normalize in the Queer Community.

Posted By

On Mar 7, 2023

Look, truth is we have some great things in the queer community but we also have some shady things that happen. We have some ways in which we are re-defining love and life and some ways we are emotionally being hot trash.

We have some weird rules, some toxic practices and some shady sh*t that we do as queers. So we need to re-think some stuff. Here is a list of things that we need to ‘normalize’ in the queer community.

In fact, ‘the straights’ can normalise some of these things too. This is basically stuff we should all be unpacking.

1.  Normalise studs dating studs and femmes dating femmes: The idea that we must replicate heterosexual relationships where there is a ‘man and a woman’ is not a real thing. Forget heteronormativity. Love who you love. Dating along perceived ‘gender roles’ limits the experiences and ways in which we can f**k and love and live

2.  Normalise being OK with not wanting sex:  as queer people we are constantly sexualised and we also sexualise ourselves. We think that by being queer we need to be having sex all the time. It’s a real thing to not want sex or have sex. It’s about where you  are at, that is the core tenant of sex positivity and being sexually grounded. Having sex in the when, how and with you want to. And if that is no-one and not at all then that is valid. 

3.  Normalise being happy and single: We are constantly bombarded with the need to be in a relationship. These internet streets are full of cute couples being the most. It’s really fine to be single and thriving. In fact sometimes it is better.

4.  Normalise understanding and asking for consent: Consent is so necessary and we do not talk about it enough. You cannot simply assume people want to have sex. Or hugs. Or anything really. Learn about consent.

Side note: The level of sexual violence within the queer community because we are not engaging properly with consent is troubling. We need to do better. So much better.

5. Normalise both tops and bottoms having multiple orgasms: Too many shady ideas about who No matter if you are top, bottom or a switch everyone deserves orgasms (especially with the gay boys, yep we looking at you)

6.  Normalise taking the pleasure of bottoms seriously: See previous entry. Often the pleasure of bottoms is not prioritised and sidelined. All folx deserve pleasure when it comes to sex. 

7.  Normalise being a switch a.k.a. being a top or bottom: People can have multiple ‘roles’ during sex, you don’t always have to be the one who is in charge or the one who is the ‘taker. It is OK to explore both, to try and engage with all sides of the sexual experience. There is nothing wrong with being a switch.

8.  Normalise Kink: People find pleasure in different ways, getting kinky is one of those ways. Also kink will teach you a whole bunch about having the sex you want, speaking about it and also consent.

9. Normalise not being cheated on: Folx are creeping, slipping and sliding. Getting cheated on is not ‘normal’. Its not just something that happens. It’s not something that ‘people be doing’. Cheating is painful and harmful and you do not have to take it. Just because the community is small, and being single is a real thing it doesn’t mean you have to accept someone stepping out on you.

10. Normalise not cheating: Stay focused Cheating breaks down another person and is so hurtful and harmful. Especially when people find out. There are much better ways of exploring your sex and sexuality. And if the cheating is about needing to cheat well thats a whole other thing that you need to deal with. 

11.  Normalise gender not being binary: Gender is fluid and comes on a spectrum. It is not in a binary. It isn’t just masculine and feminine. F**k with gender, do what you want with it. Explore it, engage it, change it in yourself. Taste the rainbow. 

12.   Normalise understanding that abuse in the queer community exists: We aren’t perfect. Being in a queer relationship isn’t all 10 years of commitment, a puppy and photos of bae. There is violence in our intimate spaces and we need to face that and tackle it instead of sweeping it under the rug.

13.   Normalise not dating the whole squad: Look, your friends are fabulous and the community is small, we are sure, but do you gotta date the *entire* squad? Like the whole damn crew? Come on now.

14.   Normalise being in an ethical non-monogamy: Wanting to explore and be with other people is perfectly normal. There are so many different ways to create partnerships and relationships, from polyamory, to throuples, to open relationships and more. Some people are outchea trying to creep and cheat instead of having open (sometimes hard) conversations about redefining their relationships.

15.   Normalise queers being religious: Jesus loves the gays, its Christians who are being a hot mess. Religious spaces have not always been kind but there is so much that people draw from their spirituality and that is so important.

16.   Normalise not having to  come out: You do not have to come out, the idea that you have to announce your sexuality to the world in order to be valid is not a real thing. In the closet or not you are still queer AF.

17.   Normalize calling out misogyny in queer communities: There is a lot of hate towards women and femmes in the queer community. From the way femme presenting gay men are treated to active violence against trans women, it’s a hot mess and hot trash. The world is filled with misogyny/misogynoir and the queer community is no different just because we are always saying ‘sis’ all the time.

18.   Normalise calling out racism: Queer folx often think because they suffer one type of oppression they are immune from shelling out another. There are plenty of racist folx in our LGBTQ+ streets. Being queer doesn’t make you an angel.

19.   Normalise not having a fixed sexual identity: Just because you identify as a lesbian now doesn’t mean you will always identify as a lesbian. Or pansexual. Or bisexual. Or gay. Your identity is allowed to change. Labels are road signs not destinations.

20.   Normalise not being a perfect queer: Being a ‘Gold Star Lesbian’ or ‘Platinum Star Gay’ is not a real thing. You are not Gay Concentrate and there is no competition for being ‘the most homosexual in the group’. People can define their queerness as they want without judgement from others. Back the hell up.

21.   Normalise your friends being as important as your lovers: Platonic intimacy is amazing, and treating your friends with all the love and care you reserve for lovers is a real thing. Love and sex are fabulous but friendship is also such a vital part of lives. 

22.  Normalise the feelings of asexual being valid: Back to the hypersexuality we sometimes impose on ourselves (and others impose on us as queers) asexuality and not wanting that sexual interaction has folx shook. Asexuality is valid. 

23.   Normalise healing from your past traumas: We are holding a lot of hurt, a lot of pain and so many traumas within the queer community. It’s OK to heal. We deserve healing. We need healing.

24.   Normalise taking care of our mental health: Mental health is so important, as important as your physical health. Do your squats, base your scalp, drink your water but also journal. Find a therapist.

25.  Normalise side eyeing and calling out predatory relationships sometimes disguised as ‘age gaps’ and ‘dating baby queers’:  When there is an age gap you need to address it, unpack the active power dynamics or else it gets real predatory real fast. 

When we know better we do better. 


Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are livin’, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Get your of copy Touch: Sex, Sexuality and Sensuality – A collection of essays from folks all around the world. A collection of intimate, beautiful, gorgeous essays

Also visit our Instagram page and Twitter account for even more great content! To submit to HOLAA email: