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Platonic Intimacy: Am I Just Trying to Marry My Homies?

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On Jun 9, 2022

Platonic Intimacy: Am I Just Trying to Marry My Homies?

We are constantly having to navigate being friends with someone or being into them. But ever had a person who is so close to you they feel like more than squad but not quite like your romantic partner. That person who is your forever human in so many ways? Who you want to build your life with but not share your bed with?

Well you might have a case of the Platonic Intimacies!

Platonic intimacy is defined as the act of making yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically vulnerable to your friends in a way that goes outside of  the traditional ways of friendshipping. 

A queerplatonic relationship, also called a quasiplatonic relationship, quirkyplatonic relationship, or qplatonic relationship (abbreviated QPR), is a term for an intimate, non-romantic committed relationship. 

The thing about queer platonic intimacy is that, on the one hand, it falls outside of the realms of what folx would generally call “a traditional friendship” and goes past what society feels is normal or socially acceptable for a platonic relationship. And on the other hand it isn’t a romantic vibe or doesn’t fully fit into the traditional idea of a romantic relationship. 

Platonic intimacy is basically a next level way of loving up on your friends without trying to put a ring on it. In society we love the binary of platonic vs. romantic. If we aint friend-ing, we f*cking and there is little exploration between but platonic intimacy helps us explore that grey area. 

What does it mean to have a deep connection (phsyical, mental and emotional) as friends without it being a relationship and having other elements such as sex or traditional dating and coupling? 

One article describes this saying: “In modern western societies, hard lines are drawn between appropriate behavior for a romantic relationship compared to a friendship.” It goes on to say that “for example, cultural norms say that romantic partners are more physically affectionate and more emotionally close than friends are, as well as being more likely to partner in major life activities such as buying a house or raising a child together.” 

Now when we blur those romantic/ friendship lines then a relationship can be called “queerplatonic”.  A queer platonic relationship (QPR) is based on an intentional commitment without assumptions of sexual or romantic entanglement. 

This LGBTA wiki says: Individuals in queerplatonic relationships might refer to each other as their queerplatonic partner (QPP), “marshmallow”/“mallowfriend”, or as “zucchini”, a term that was originally a joke in the asexual spectrum (a-spec) community.  A queerplatonic crush is most commonly called a “squish” (the same as a platonic crush), and is less commonly called a “plush”, “squash”, or “crish”. 

Queerplatonic relationships are common among a-spec (folx on the asexuality spectrum) individuals, however one does not have to identify as a-spec to be in a queerplatonic relationship. 

One author on the DriveThru site says “[QPR] is a relationship that doesn’t abide by traditional heteronormative rules. It bends and changes the rules of what western culture understands as a monogamous or committed relationship because it’s different from what people usually consider to be socially acceptable for a platonic relationship.”

People in QPRs have a deep (a SUPER deep) commitment to each other in the sense that they want to plan their lives together and around one another. There’s a continual steadiness in these types of relationships that keeps folx grounded and devoted in their relationship. There’s also a commitment to life planning that involves each other in non-traditional ways. 

While they CAN be platonic, they can also involve sexual and intimate elements that the people involved are wanting to experience. The most important thing is that the people involved in the QPR make the rules. You can move in together or have a baby together or buy a house together or share a Spotify/Netflix account or be the person who you go to for cuddles. Whatever it is you want to build into your intimacy. 

The beautiful thing about queer platonic relationships is that you can share your life with someone in a way that goes outside the binary. 

One thing is you need to take your time with forming these bonds. As one writer says “loving your friends and forging better connections is a skill that requires patience and practice.” And with taking the time and patience to form these deeper bonds there is a lot we can learn about forging lasting, deep and beautiful connections from queerplatonic friendships. It is worth finding out more about them (whether you are queer or not) because loving up *hard* on your friends is a real thing.  

Articles on Platonic Intimacy:

Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are living, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

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