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Queer for Christmas: A Guide To Surviving and Thriving The Holidays

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On Dec 22, 2022

The holidays can be a lot. For everyone. Not only are you probably dropping ALL the coins because its Dezemba but there is the vortex of family to deal with.

Questions of like ‘where is your husband?’ and  ‘why do you not have kids?’  Comments like ‘I see that life is treating you well because you are… not small’ and those aunties who have a million and one judgements. There are also the feelings of pressure to connect with people and sometimes there can be a sense of loneliness and isolation during this time. Dealing with the holidays as a queer person can be even harder so here is a guide to navigating this tricky time of year.

  1. One of the things to do is manage your expectations. Prepare for the worst while leaving room for the fam to surprise you. This might be the holiday you find your ally or another holiday where people’s trash a** opinions pop up again. This might be the time your parents have a Come To Jesus Moment or the moment where your father says something ‘about the gays’. Leave room for everything but also brace yourself.
  2. Try to prep by thinking what sort of stuff could pop off i.e. potential arguments or issues that might come up ahead of time so that you are prepared, even a little bit. Knowing what could happen or could come up can help you decide ahead of time what you will engage with and how far you will engage it. There are a bunch of things that could pop up and sometimes its OK to not want to engage with homophobia/issues about marriage/ misogyny/ ableism/ all manner of f**kery.
  3. Find your heart squad and hang out with and reach out to the people who make you feel less sh*tty, either inside or outside the space. The digital world is at your fingertips or you can just put on your shoes and simply walk out the door and go be around the folx. Keeping a connection with people outside the space as well who can keep you afloat.
  4. Remember that your private life is nobody’s business. Folx will slide into your life DMs and make all manner of comments and suggestions, and ask all sorts of questions. If things get too personal or invasive, set boundaries, tell people to back it up. As a queer person, your life is not there to be prodded at and examined without your permission. It is not a case study to understand and unpack. You’re allowed to not answer questions like, “But which one of you is the man?” and you certainly don’t have to discuss your sex life with anybody else.
  5. Boundaries. Do the best that you can to set limits with yourself and others during the holidays. Feel free to politely but firmly decline an invitation to a family event if you think it would be better for  your emotional health—and do something on the holiday you find to be fun and/or emotionally nurturing.
  6. Bring acceptance to the table by remembering that things are not perfect, they don’t have to be, and you can’t control anyone’s behaviour but your own. Heated arguments at the dinner table will not elicit a change of heart and you do not have to save everyone. You only have to save yourself. This is a moment when self-preservation is key, take care of yourself.
  7. Listen to old episodes of Basically Life and read HOLAA articles to make you happy happy. 

When all this is happening its important to remember some things:

  • When it comes to dealing with family, there is no such thing as a “best reaction.” Again, you cannot control anyone else’s reaction and what they do is not a reflection of you or your worth. How people react is often about them and not you.
  • Let folx do them, try and embrace the concept of understanding, patience, empathy and to allow everyone their own individual process. People go through their own things when confronted with things that they do not understand or cannot accept, or struggle with. So let people move through things in their own way and again, try not to internalise things. It is difficult but try and move from a place of ‘that’s a you problem’ if people project on to you.
  • Coming out is a group event and sometimes people around you need space to come out as well, and what looks like rejection may simply be a period of adjustment.
  • Try to have compassion and grace for yourself and for your family. Find a way toward acceptance rather than judgment. If you want to try and connect and have a relationship with your family, even if they are struggling with who you are, you might have to try to accept them even though they don’t fully accept you (again sometimes this is a process). This is not out of a sense of obligation but because in the long run, arriving at an emotional separation, (“that’s them and this is me,”) may be better for your own mental and emotional health.

Sometimes you ain’t trying to deal with all that mess so you want to curve the family gathering. If you decide to skip the family gathering:

  1. Take care of your emotional and mental health: Remind yourself that your mental health and emotional happiness come first. If you can’t be in contact with your family at all over the holidays, that is OK. If you feel comfortable only being in touch with certain people, or in certain situations, that is also OK. Do whatever you need to create a space where you are taking care of you. Self care in all senses of the phrase.
  2. Consume queer content: Gather all the queer content you can get your magical hands on. Watch queer films, listen to queer podcasts (like QueerPrisim256 and QueerCity Podcast or even QueerWoc and of course Basically Life) and read queer books (like this list of 15 essential queer African reads). Listen to queer music. Get deep into your queer culture and know there are spaces you are seen.
  3. Journal What’s On Your Mind: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to write down/ voice record/ video everything that’s happening in your head. Putting your thoughts and feelings out in the world can be so helpful in determining what needs to happen to make you feel happier, safer, and healthier.
  4. Celebrate Your Accomplishments: You are magic and you have survived another one of these wild years! You have done so much and even just showing up and existing is such a vibe and know this should be applauded. When you’re alone over the holidays, it’s easy to blame yourself, bring yourself down or criticize yourself and your identity. Taking the time to sit down and recognize all of the wonderful things about yourself and all of your accomplishments can do a bunch of good for your self-esteem and self-image. Give yourself your flowers fam.
  5. Reach Out To Your Fellow Queer Community: Queermas is a real thing. Gathering the loves around you if you can is a way of bolstering yourself and finding peace and joy during this time. If you’re feeling alone around the holidays, it’s safe to assume that many other LGBTQ identified people feel the same way and even if someone isn’t feeling lonely, it’s still really meaningful to reach out and see how others are doing and remind them that they’re not alone. Even if someone can’t meet for coffee or a movie, simply exchanging a few messages on Facebook or an Instagram or Twitter DM might make a positive impact on someone’s day.

From us at HOLAA! we are sending so much love and wishing you a brilliant day and a happy happy holiday, no matter how you spend it. Make sure you stay safe out there fam.

Links

  • When you’re not welcome home for the holiday – After Ellen
  • Queer and heading home for the holidays – The Brag
  • LGBT and heading home for the holidays- Psychology Today
  • 6 ways queer people can practice self-care over the holiday – The Bustle