Posted By Afro-Awesome Guest contributor
On Nov 4, 2017
By Anon
Setting my sexual intentions
I’ve been celibate for 10 months and during this time I’ve been thinking about my relationship with sex. Sex with myself and sex with another/others. This is the second time doing celibacy. But there is a difference. I’m not doing it out of anger and hurt. I’m doing this because I need to understand myself. I want to walk through the confusion with gentleness. During these 10 months, I haven’t had any kind of physical sex. Mentally, I’ve had lots going on, especially in the past 2 weeks. I had lost connection with my sensuality. I hadn’t been horny. On my birthday though, there was a shift. I felt a feeling; a heat building up that was forgotten seemed to be home. It was both comfortable and inviting. So instead of doing what I usually do… fuck myself, fuck someone or get fucked by someone… I immersed myself in the feels.
My relationship with sex has been a turbulent ride. Sometimes exhilarating, breathtaking, and sometimes downright suffocating and toxic. Like most, #metoo resonated with me and shaped my sex. Experiences of sexual violence have often led to further violence with me bring both a survivor and perpetrator. I wanted to understand why my body had decided to remind me of her sensuality. Was it an acknowledgement of the work we had been doing and thumbs up to get some? Or maybe another moment to learn and tease out feelings? Turns out, it was about more exploration… self-tease moments. I found myself creating the most elaborate fantasies inspired by Tiffany Gouche’s Red Rum Melody, Jill Scott’s Crown Royal, Floetry’s Use Your Imagination and Banks’s Fuck With Myself. At no point in being in the fantasies did I have an urge to have sex [as I give myself a side eye because there were so many moments I felt my hand sliding into my underwear… it just has a mind of its own]. I let my mind do all the fucking and just enjoyed the ride
The need to go home had been deep. Living working and loving in a foreign country takes its toll on the being. I had not gone home for 2 years and I was beginning to feel the disconnect and the need for something. I returned to the country of my ancestors to get grounding, to receive unconditional love, to give without expectation, and to remember who I am. I have drunketh from the cup that overflows and I’m intentional about what I want. I have a sense of calm about me that has allowed me to tap into my energy and the energy of summer and beginnings all around me. Now that I’m home after a month of being in my ‘home away from home’, I’m focusing on the kind of sex I want to experience and the paths that I want to journey on.
To aid my self-discovery journey and ready myself, I developed a five point plan for when the sex happens. Preparation. Visualising. Playing games. Pacing. Rituals.
Preparation
The 10 month hiatus has all been preparation, but that doesn’t mean that it has to take that long. The essentials during this period have been about getting healthy: physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I started a gym and home workout routine that started with a 30 minute walk that progressed to a 9km jog. My yoga practice has been the most beneficial. Breathing. Maintaining my poses. Building muscle. Meditating.
I’ve also been eating right. The relationship between food, sensuality and sexuality has been an experience. Discovering flavors, scents and sensations of food has been phenomenal. And interestingly, the scent and taste of my vagina is reflective of what I’m eating. Yummy! Yes, I’m all about knowing how I taste.
Also I love being naked. This is where I find myself, in being open with myself. Enjoying my body. The feel of it, the look of it, the scent of it. Learning to love my body has taken time, and now that I’m there… who I visualise had better know how to appreciate… no… worship me.
I soak every other day. I soak in salts, herbs, fruit, crushed coffee beans and fruit oils. Long luxurious soaks, ones where I have time to feel my skin. Water, oils, crushed coffee beans and scents, all on my skin. I have been playing around with fruit too, but not in that way so get your head out the gutter. I soak oranges, ginger, pomegranate… drain the infused water into the bath. I use the oil from the orange rind to rub into my pubs and break the fruit into pieces and rub it all into my cooch. I’m still testing this out and hoping that I don’t break out in something.
Visualising
This has been intensely mind blowing. The image of the sex I want, who I want to share this sex with, even if it’s with me, has me daydreaming quite a bit. Visualising has also opened up my mind to things I’d forgotten and to new possibilities. It’s a challenge to myself to keep exploring the different sensations that turn me on. That tickle my many fancies
Playing games
Playing with myself and others is a must. Playing takes different forms. I’ve tried those card game thingies, it was exciting, and all that, but we can be more creative right? We can imagine different games that add to the experience. This is also an opportunity to learn what we add the other people/person wants. And of course, you should have the toys that aid in giving pleasure. While the traditional sex toys often come to mind, but this speaks to also to our inability to be creative.
Our houses and spaces are filled with pleasure tools, just take a look around, in your cupboards, on your shelves, outside in your garden.
Pacing
Timing is everything. What I know about myself is that everything in my head takes over during sex and one of two things could happen: either cumming in under a second or enjoying myself a bit too much. Sometimes the sex goes on for a looooong while to the point where its not enjoyable anymore and its just a damn frustration. Like sure there are parts of the long play that fucking hot, but its like watching Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit marathon for 3 days. It was great the first 3 hours, but… there has to be some end in sight. Also, I don’t say this to judge myself, only that I’m learning to be more conscious about how I time what I want and that when I’m not sexing myself, there is someone else. Imagine creating all sorts of awkwardness because of unending sex… that could be potentially sore. Issa nah!
Pacing also means you learn delaying gratification. Edging is the act of repeatedly approaching orgasm but holding off before the actual orgasm. This form of pacing often results in an explosive climax that will need you to go back to the yoga breathing exercises
Ritual
I’ve had such hang ups about embracing the sex because I saw it as an act of violence laced with shame and guilt. All this framed in the Christian teachings that say: no sex before marriage, resist the temptation through prayer. Do this because if you have sex you’ll go to hell. Teaching that’s said ‘good’ girls keep their legs crossed, don’t touch or play with the ‘thing’ between your legs and are virgins on their wedding night.
Socialisation had me create a few of my own conditions, which made me scared and apprehensive of sex, cloaked in a façade of ease and confidence. It creates a disconnect, one that occurs within the self.
So I created prayers for sex. I’ve been calling on the spirits, ancestors and the universe to guide me as I journey into the deep, wet folds of the unknown. And keep me safe from pussy-snatchers because I ain’t about that life no more.
Also, nourishment during before and after sex has to be done, this is another important part of the rituals. Eat something, drink something or smoke something. Fuel is necessary. I, personally, love high sex. Specifically, sex and weed. I’ve also been on a weed hiatus, so it’s going to be interesting times. I believe I shall be kissing with the universe.
I am creating new rituals, sex rituals because they are necessary for grounding. Shedding the guilt, shame, toxicity and replacing it with openness to abundance. Leaving the past and ideas about sex out your head. Being in the moment, an idea I had previously come to dislike. Had always thought it as ‘hippy crap’. But it’s true. Be in the moment. It’ll direct you. Creating scenarios is good, necessary even. But when you are in the moment, let everything go and enjoy it.
Give it a go, do your things and maybe, hope it works out for you and yours.
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