I don’t understand this feeling, how can I miss someone who had discarded me, someone who weaponised silence against me?
Missing them brought so many questions and self-accusations. Had I lied to myself about their abuse? Had I exaggerated their emotional manipulation? Perhaps my depression and anxiety had made me over feel? Surely a person insisting they were abused – in any form – shouldn’t be missing their abuser? My friend remarked, “maybe this is the alchemy of forgiveness?” Maybe she was right and forgiveness comes when anger is replaced by complexity. Maybe it comes when one accepts the complexity of the situation that brought the betrayal?
Here is the podcast of this post, find the written version here.
This piece forms part of the #QueeringTheCloak series which is part of a larger project exploring sexual, emotional and physical violence in queer women spaces on the continent. The project seeks to essentially ‘pull back the cloak’ on shame and silence around this violence.
For all the articles and pieces on #QueeringTheCloak click here.