Politics & Lifestyle

The unbeliever who briefly believed

Posted By

On May 31, 2016

By Madamflani

I think of you a lot.

I think long about all the sins I committed against you that required such heavy punishment.

I think sometimes that maybe there were no sins, and perhaps I am not being punished at all.

It has crossed my mind that you could just be one of those beings whose purpose is to make atheists believe.

Something like the gods, if you think about it.


What’s left inside me is a holy war between the believers who think you died and resurrected and will surely come again, and those who believe you never really existed.


You were a god to me

Powerful, wise, mighty, intense

I worshipped you, day and night

Your words were my doctrine

Your love gave me life

Your body was perfection

Your touch was pure ecstasy

My love for you was a righteous, holy fire


I started a religion around you

I spoke, and sang, and danced

I was a prophet in the wilderness

A raving fanatic

I preached tirelessly – in the streets, the markets, the bars

The whole village knew of and about you

Everyone could see that I had been touched by a mighty god


I took up arms when they spoke ill of you

I would have started a war for you – killed for you – died for you

You were everything to me

To die in your name would have been the greatest honor


Then, much like the gods, one day, you vanished

I woke up to pray and worship at your altar, and realized that I was alone

There I was, wearing my self-righteous piety, looking all right and holy

And you – nowhere to be found

I cried, and shouted, and prayed


I brought gifts, sacrifices, libations



This was my mistake

I should have known better than love a god

The gods cannot bear the tedium of humans

I was not the chosen one

The gods don’t have special anythings

They come, they take, and then they leave

The gods do not give a fuck

The god came, saw, took, and now has left.

All that remains, all there really ever was, was an atheist who had a funny dream.


Check out her  Madamflani’s Tumblr

*leave a comment on the post, you can write it under a different name and your email will not be published.*

To submit to HOLAA! email submissions@holaafrica.org