Sex, Relationships & Love

One, Two, Three’s a Party: Tips on Planning Your Threesome

A threesome is when three people join together for sexual pleasure. It can be fun but can also be a dumpster fire if you don’t think through it. Here are some ways to do it right.

When people think of threesomes often what comes to mind is three folx who got a little wild one night and had them a good time. There is a lot of sexy stumbling about and somehow magic happens. Not the case. Threesomes take work fam. Having sex with one person is tricky enough now two?

Threesomes can also come in the form of relationshipping. A triad or throuple is a polyamorous relationship between three people. Usually, this refers to a relationship where all three people are actively involved with each other (A is dating B, B is dating C, and A is dating C).

However, the term triad can also refer to “vee” relationships, where two people are both dating one person (the hinge) but not each other. These relationships can be either open or closed/poly-fi (polycule where all folx are seen as equal partners and agree to restrict sexual or romantic activity only to other members of the group).

One Refinery29 article gives advice about having threesomes and starts saying, “If you’ve made the decision to invite a third person into your sexual relations with your steady partner, you might think the hardest part is over. However, you must now figure out how to make sure everyone laughs, orgasms, and thoroughly enjoys themselves. Figuring out how to have a sexy, romantic, drama-free threesome is actually the hardest part once you’ve decided your relationship can handle a ménage à trois.”

It goes on to say that, “[Threesomes can be] rife with imbalance, preference, and asymmetrical chemistry and power.”

Here are some of our tips for figuring out a threesome:

1. Figure out what you want: Do you want to have a threesome with two other people of your own gender? Do you want to have a threesome with two people who are strangers to you and each other? What are you looking to experience? These are some of the questions you should ask yourself before you jump into bed with multiple folx because it will help you shape the experience you want. 
2. Having the pre-conversations: If you’re in a couple, sit down together (at a time when you’re not horny or naked) and discuss clearly, honestly, and openly what you’re both looking for and what, if any, compromises you might need to make so you’re both comfortable.
3. Approach friends with caution: Asking someone who is already in your life can be tricky because you run the risk of ruining the relationship by changing the dynamics. It’s best to think carefully about bringing in this sexual element to certain friendships. For example, do you really want to have a threesome with your best friend and her husband? Or your work mate and their long time non-binary partner? If things go sideways is that really the energy you want in your life? Think about the risks when thinking about the rewards of having a threesome with certain people. 
4. Make sure all folx involved are on the same page: Whatever way you go about choosing who shall be involved in the good times, the most important thing is to make sure that everyone is in agreement about the terms of your encounter and/or encounters. This is when enthusiastic consent and conversation really comes in. Is everyone happy with who is involved (e.g. Does she actually want to sleep with your love muffin or is she just being polite? Do you really want to involve sex toys or is one person pushing for it?) Having conversations as a collective is a great way to make sure that everyone is happy and excited with all the moving parts of the sex that is coming. 
5. Check in with each other: Make sure that all parties involved are on board with a shared vision of the evening, and remember that you can back out at any time, even if you feel like your partner (or other threesome participants) will be disappointed.

When it comes to having a successful threesome there may be some logistics (obviously), so here are more tips to consider when planning your threesome: 

1. Consider the logistics: Where are you going to have this threesome? In your marital bed or at a more neutral hotel/motel? If you’re a single person hooking up with a couple, will you stay the night or excuse yourself post-orgasm and head home? Have you remembered to bring your wallet or do you have Uber on your phone? You got your lube or fave toy? Think about the before, during and after and plan accordingly to make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible. 
2. Communicate boundaries: What are the rules of the game? Who is allowed to kiss each other? Who is allowed to penetrate each other? Often couples will set boundaries about the kind of behaviour that is OK for them during a threesome.
3. Make sure everyone feels included: “Threesomes require more communication during the experience, and it is important to agree to check in once in a while during the experience and make sure everyone is OK.”
4. Come up with some positions for three: Threesomes mean a wider variety of positions to try. Now is the time when research is your homie. Find out about the bunch of things y’all can do beforehand, discuss them and then go wild trying all the things out.
5. Have a post sex conversation: Even if you think you’re all going to simply walk away from the experience, take the time to chat and check in that everyone is feeling good about what just happened. Having a sexual experience like this can sometimes be a lot to handle so make sure that everyone is walking away from the experience roho safi (i.e. with a good heart). 

We tend to think it’s all rubbing up on each other and orgasming but having a threesome is a considered and planned thing if you want to do it right. There are a lot of things to think about when having a threesome so do some research before, have some conversations and above all, be safe. 

Articles:

How To Make Your Threesome As Romantic As Possible (Refinery29)

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