The moment you finally get out of a toxic relationship, you will take a deep breath and let go. You will constantly cry because of the emptiness you feel in your heart and at times, you will find yourself wanting to go back to them because they are the only thing you know. They used to beat you up, kick you in the stomach or emotionally manipulate you but you will you still think you love them. To some extent this can be true but maybe, just maybe, you are missing how it felt being with them. Maybe, you are missing the familiarity of having them around. You are missing the rare occasions where happiness was prevalent and you thought to yourself that they had changed and you should stay and give them another chance.
The moment you finally get out of a toxic relationship, a new you will be born. You will look at the world from a different angle, a totally new perspective, from the one you had before. You will take deeper breaths and revel in your new found freedom. You will look at the world with knowing eyes and be more sensitive to your surroundings. You will appreciate the chirping of birds or even relish the silence that comes with staying in on a Sunday.
You will read books. You will meet new people. You will discover your talents. You will come up with different recipes for how to cook your favourite meal. You will become more astute to the needs of your body. You will embrace yourself.
You will allow yourself to be birthed again.
The moment you finally get out of a toxic relationship, you will stop ignoring how strong you are and start acknowledging your strengths, both inner and outer ones. You will feel like the world is and the whole universe is conspiring against you. You will be sad. You will be down. You will let yourself lose hope but in the middle of it all, you will discover that you are human and you will allow yourself to be you again. You will let yourself go with the flow of the universe. You will thank the stars for saving you. You will be thankful for the 3 Am coffees and the countless times you broke down in the middle of doing up task because you would allowed yourself to purge the emotions that are eating you up alive.
When all this happens to you, one thing will remain unchanged,
Nyar Afrika loosely translates to daughter of Afrika. She is a 21 year old queer non-conformist writer from Kenya.
Facebook: NYAR Afrika
This piece forms part of the #QueeringTheCloak series which is part of a larger project exploring sexual, emotional and physical violence in queer women spaces on the continent. The project seeks to essentially ‘pull back the cloak’ on shame and silence around this violence.
For all the articles and pieces on #QueeringTheCloak click here.