Afro Sexual Wisdom

Dear Straight Girls : 6 Things To Know Before Getting A Gay Bestie

By Toni Morrison/@ToniWhorrison

I know life must be hard for you, right now. In a world where ‘Insta’ reigns supreme and twars are plenty, you might feel like you just aren’t equipped to handle this fast paced world. It is overwhelming, truly.

Your posse of girlfriends try to help you where they can but gone are the days of the ‘Sisterhood Of The Travelling Thong’ – you probably feel like you either can’t trust them or they’re just as clueless as you are. You may feel like the best thing to do right now is to get yourself the one thing that pop culture has told you can help a woman like you – a gay bestie.

I know you think they’re the solution to most of your problems right now, hell, it sure looks that way most times, doesn’t it?

You want your own amateur/professional stylist/best friend/confidant with a slick tongue and a warm heart. A guy who is, as many of you like to say, “a guy but not really a guy, you know?” (And no, we don’t. We really don’t, but whatevs). But I’m here to tell you that unfortunately, sweet straight girl, one doesn’t just happen across a gay man and immediately form an intense and intimate bond (OMG, who knew, right?)

I know you might know this because you have probably tried your best to lure one in. You’ve given gay men all the compliments you could think of, including, but not limited to “OMG, I love your outfit! You people always have such great style!” and “You’re so cute, it’s a shame you’re into guys!”  You have tried to get them to open up by asking such time old questions as “So are you the girl or the guy in the relationship?” and “Does your family know?!” and yet somehow, for some odd reason, you’re still as ‘gay bestie’-less as you were when you started this quest.

Sucks, right?

Well, my dear, I’m here to try and help. Here’s a list of things you might need to know, you poor thing.

1. Not All Gay Men Are Stylish

If you are like most straight women, this revelation will shock you. I know, I know. In your mind they all somehow manage to look like they just walked off of an episode of Fashion Bloggers (even the notoriously unemployed ones). You are hoping that some of that will rub off on you.

I’m sorry but that isn’t always the case. You know how some people simply have fashion sense and others do not? That does not change when it comes to members of the gay community.

2. Gay Men Aren’t Endless Wells of Emotional Comfort and Wisdom

You know how in movies and most shows the gay dude is always the one who knows just how/when to keep/let go of a man? They are relationship gurus and the constant voice of reason – in real life the truth is, they too, are sometimes stumped by the behaviour of men. So if you want a gay bestie to help you “fix your love life” remember, some of they may like Iyanla, but they are not like her.

Sorry, hun.

3. Gay Men Have Body Boundaries Too

I have realized many of you think, as I mentioned above, that gay men are “men, but not really men” (I assume this means men who don’t want to fuck you) and therefore, this coupled with the idea that they are meant to be your stylists and overall besties leads you to have no qualms with undressing in front of them and prancing about like a tit.

Read this next line slowly, and marinate in it: Just because they don’t want to fuck you, does not mean they’re okay with your nudity.

Also, you look weird as fuck dis-robing in front of strangers so easily, and it makes everyone uncomfortable. Stop it, my sister.

4. You Don’t Get To Pick And Choose When Your Friendship Is “Acceptable”

Convenient friendships are a thing for some people, I get that – but they’re hardly ever that for both parties involved. I hate to tell you this but you don’t get to abandon your friend when you’re around your (probably homophobic) other friends and no, you don’t get to make them feel like shit around your boyfriend cos you think he might be peeking either. Gay besties aren’t your adorable pets you have to lock up cos they pee on the furniture when guests come – remember that.

5. You May Become Their Friend, But…

You still don’t get to say the “F” word. No, I don’t care what Azealia Banks said, and I do not care how you mean it – just, no.

6. And well, one more thing…

If you seriously call them your “gay bestie”, you probably are not a likable lass (I was only using that term cos it’s best to address the natives in a language they’ll understand). See, people who call their homosexual friends “gay besties” feel the need to (not so) subtly strip them of their identity, separate of their sexual orientation – you make them feel like a prop, an extra, and hardly ever welcome, safe and genuinely cared for. So members of the gay community who aren’t groveling for acceptance will almost certainly steer clear of you.

Yeah, we know, you really don’t mean it and you totes have no idea how you could even come off as that when you’re just trying to be nice but that’s whatever – if you bothered to know better, you would most certainly do better.

If you’re the kind of person who picks friends based on stereotypes you probably suck as a friend and overall human being anyway – and that’s something no “gay bestie” can help you change, my dear.

Adieu.

For more listicals check out out other HOLAA listicals including Reasons a straight woman shouldn’t say she is about to go gay, love yourself by being better and 5 tips for avoiding revenge porn.

OR check out the sexy post Sex and curiosity: The Fantasy on the other side of straight.

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