Afro Sexual Wisdom

HOLAA’s Guide to Loving Yourself by Being Better

Life can be rough sometimes. And there can be a lot of sharp edges and hard times that make you just want to give up. There are times when you are doing things you shouldn’t just for the sake of getting by or just because it is too hard to try.

But unfortunately here at HOLAA! we cannot let such things happen so we are telling you, straight up, that self love and self care are a real thing we need you to start investing in.

So here is a post about making some changes so that you can love yourself, because you cannot love others until you love Number One.

So what’s one way to make sure you are loving yourself? By being better.The promises to yourself to be better you had at the start of the month/week/year have already been forgotten, the gym membership has begun to gather dust, Tusker beers have replaced water and the ex who you said you wouldn’t talk to is the number one chat on your WhatsApp.

But all this shows we aren’t loving ourselves.

So how should we do that?

By being better.

That is what we should be doing.

So the HOLAA team had a think about it and came up with a list of new life resolutions that could help you remix and reload your life.

Leave dicey exes /flings in the past.

We all have that person who is like that old pair of jeans/dress. They do not fit anymore but they were (possibly) amazing at some point so we are not trying to let them go. You met them that rainy day on a matatu/taxi and fell in love/lust. They were the most amazing sex you ever had. They were such fun when you guys went out clubbing. They really knew how to whisper all the right things

They were smart, funny, sexy.

They were also an asshat in a lot of ways.

And even if they weren’t a complete asshat they were not good for you and HOLAA is about things that are good for you and you should be too.

Why waste your time with a soggy ex when there is something so crisp and clean out there for you?

Leave bad friends behind

Leave them behind.

Be done. Make space for something better. If you fill that space with the dicey homies, no one else can fill it.

Birds of a feather flock together.

Think about that a second.

Now what does it say about you if you are keeping rubbish people in your space and calling them friends?  Also, friends are the basis of your social life.

They are there for the good times, the bad times and the times that mean nothing at all. They determine the quality of your life. They are like family that you choose and hang out with allllllllllll the time.

You are more likely to spend time with friends than family. This means that they inform all the things you could or could not become.

In HOLAA we work because 90% of our insanity is rooted in friendship. There is even a Whatsapp group that is the most unserious thing ever sometimes.

That’s how deep it goes. Wine, chats and hugs are given. Once or twice there has been a cataclysmic fight. But there is love and support.

But it has worked because the friends we surrounded ourselves with in this case allowed us to build this baby right here.

Could every single friend help build you? Or your website? Or an empire? Or even a good day?

If not, it’s time to trim the fat.

Your friends are often your support system and a building is only as strong as its foundation. If yours is not strong then you will crumble.

Haters are helpful, bad friends are not.

Hunt down your passion

We didn’t say look for your passion. We said hunt it down. Hunt it like you are a lioness in the Maasai mara and its feeding time, no time for playing games.

2015 is game time. 2014 was when you were getting the game face and before that you were doing squats to get on that game body.

Now it is time to go, because there is no time like the present. There was quote that said, hit the snooze alarm and you will end up working for someone who does.

No time for hitting that snooze alarm.

Get out after and be amazing.

Run the world, run your city, and run your life.

Be epic on any scale you want, just be fuelled by passion and run your existence like your heart pumps diesel.

Remember if you engage your passion you will never work a day of your life.

Be open to learning from others

‘The wise man is one who knows he knows nothing at all. ‘

This is more true than you know. Real masters of anything never stop learning, because when you learn you grow. The world is always changing and is so large and crazy that you will never have all the answers.

It doesn’t matter how good you are at anything, there is always someone who knows better or different in a way that works.

Being open to learn from others will always make you better. No matter what.

You will either learn a new idea that builds on yours and makes your knowledge base stronger,

OR

You will learn the person is foolish and you can sharpen your skills on how to deal with such stupidity.

Sometimes just… be

We tend to over-think everything.

Maybe it is because everything we do can now be captured and put on the internet but sometimes we don’t just go with the flow. Let’s try going with the flow. If something does not work, then the flow will take you somewhere else.

Be spontaneous.

Be wild.

Live life.

If you take it too seriously you will never get out alive.

Love more, be kind even more.

The advice was once given by a wise woman, be kind to the world and you will find that it will be kind to you.

This is true.

Of course sometimes people are just awful beings and there is nothing you can do about it but sometimes when you give out a little kindness then a little more comes back.

Give a little more and a little more will come back. Eventually you are just rolling in that kindly goodness and feeling like a box full of puppies.

Do not compare yourself to others

Now this one is hard.

Very hard.

Especially when you go on Facebook /Twitter/ Instagram and everyone is living the perfect life.

 

Statuses like ‘ I do 100 squats a day look at THIS ass…’ and ‘I could not be having more fun right now in this club/bar/house party/ house at a private beach.’

People even want you to have fomo for their food. #NyamaChomaAndUgali #MakingJollofRice

#IBetThatFoodIsColdWithAllThosePhotosYouTook

We are those people, the generation that puts our best selves online so we can show others how fabulous our lives are.

But truth is we are all living the same struggle in different ways.

Everyone is online or offline thinking the grass is greener on the other side of some fence. The best thing to do is be OK on your grass.

Grow that grass. Make sure its green, BBQ on that grass.

Invite friends to sit on it and play cards.

The way to deal with the stress of trying to live a perfect life in an imperfect world is to admit that your life is not perfect.

Shit fucks out. It hits the fan.

Sometimes life does not smell of roses and the sun does not shine out of your ass.

And that is OK.

And just because someone is saying that their life is the #Best through #SelfieNation does not matter because your moments that are awesome are just that, yours and awesome. Their moments that are awesome are theirs.

So being jealous is not a game plan. It just leads us all to constantly post pictures of how dope our lives are in order to win some competition none of us remember entering.

Also please know, everyone has shit days. No matter how many good times/followers/likes/comments/ event invites they seem to have.

Connect with people on a one to one

People find out about 90% about people lives on Facebook. Deaths, births, funerals, weddings. Everything. When we come together we spend some of the time on Whatsapp trying to connect with people even though we have faces which want to connect with us right there.

We want to drink concentrate juice when we are being offered fresh juice.

We are forgetting how to connect without that glow of a screen. We can talk so much on a screen but when we come together we all whip out our phones. This year lets learn how to look someone in the face and be like ‘hi, how are you?’

Actually feel that glow of human contact and interaction. Actually have those conversations so that people do not feel so lonely. Because people are so lonely.

So lonely.

Learn your body

As a woman one of the most powerful things is knowing your body. In every aspect. That makes you feel better during your period? Know it. What gives you energy? Eat it. What makes you orgasm? Learn that.

Ask yourself this: could you recognise a random picture of your legs? Or your hip bone? Or left arm? No? Then it is time to really look learn and love your body.

Stand in the mirror and look.

Look at the absolute beauty that you have full ownership of. No one else owns that.

It’s alllllllll yours.

And it is perfect.

Perfect.

Learn every curve and crevice. When you put lotion be like ‘were my parents beavers cause, damn’ (forget you people, that was a great joke. Haters.)

Basically what we are trying to say is know you are magnificent. Taking time to know your body will teach you that.

Know what you want

You are royalty. We have told you time and time again. That means as royalty you must know what you want and get it. Of course we wouldn’t be HOLAA! if we didnt make this about sex so first things first, know what you want in bed.

To do this.

Masturbate.

Experiment.

When something isn’t right say so.

Google.

Do anything you can to know and implement that knowledge. Sex is an art and we can all be masters with the right tools and the right ideas.

Now we are done with the sex, know what you want in life.

The same rules apply here: If something isn’t right say so.

Experiment.

Google.

Masturbate.

Ok the last one is optional but the idea is the same, if you want something in life you must find out, assert yourself and say what you do and do not want.

Get Healthy

Your body will love you if you love it. Getting healthy is hard. The gym is too warm and full of funny men sometimes. Healthy food sometimes tastes like rabbit food. Wine will not drink itself.

Thickness is in the black woman’s DNA most of the time. And that is OK. Our foods on the continent are not always conducive to getting healthy but, you know what? It is still do-able. Being healthy will make everything easier.

Still live life but work out more, drink less days, walk when you can and maybe do not have that extra plate of pilau at your aunties house. She will complain, but she will get over it.

Getting healthy just makes everything easier and you will end up loving yourself more not just because you will look better because you are glowing but because you physically feel better.

So get on it.

Life is for the taking and only an empowered and self-loved up you can do that.

It is for you to hold in your hand and say that you have bossed it. So take these rules wholesale or take some of them and add some of your own. Just make sure that you have some sort of focus by which you live by.

Lots of love,

HOLAA! xo

Check out other HOLAA listicals including Types of lesbian it sucks to have sex with, Reasons a straight woman shouldn’t say she is about to go gay, and 5 tips for avoiding revenge porn.

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