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Can we please get a f*ckperson detection app?

By Kylie Kiunguyu

In the golden age of technology why do we not have an app that can help you ascertain the viability of dating your current crush?

Since we can’t figure out how to have a dating AGM every so often to discuss experiences, interesting developments and the social climate at the time- would you be a part of an online dating forum that gave you statistics and reviews of a prospective conquest?

Think about it for a minute or two.

How many times have you been at a dinner table or a social gathering and heard people sharing their dating experiences and wished there was a registry somewhere? You can only log so many names in your mind before you have to start writing them down. Plus writing them down will need references of what, who and where you heard the story from so that if you do eventually meet a person with a name like any on the list you can call the informer for verification. It sounds like way too much work in the golden age of technology.

So, developers listen up, so we can make this app a reality.

A great example of how this can be achieved is Showtime’s “The L Word,” which had a chart mapping the relationships of the characters with Alice (the writer in the cast played by Leisha Hailey) as the starting point. It became a central motif in the show, growing to take over an entire wall as seasons progressed.

The Chart actually went live, both on the series and in the real world as OurChart.com. Users of OurChart.com are able to create personal profile pages and then, like Alice, link them into charts of their relationships, whether sexual or otherwise.

But I’m talking about a more targeted app. An interactive forum where people can not only discuss their experiences- with receipts of course. The forum is an up and up operation that although slightly messy does not indulge slander for slander’s sake. The app will allow you to find other people you are linked with by virtue of dating similar people. This makes for easier corroboration of the receipts obviously, but a forum where you can go to for information you actually need before wasting your time dating a non-starter.

Is your prospective conquest abusive? Do they have a “secret family”? Are they the person you heard about that one time that slept through an entire family? Do they leave their partners in financial ruin after they fund their ventures? Pertinent questions that can be answered for you with one consolidated tool and it isn’t as far fetched as you may think.

The world is littered with WhatsApp groups of girls and I’m sure guys sharing dating information and helping each other get leads on prospective partners. In fact Google has made it easy to gain a respectable amount of information on a person with just a name and a picture. So what would make this app different? As opposed to just getting access to a person’s social media pages for insight into their personality and tastes you would get realistic insight on their viability.

Who wouldn’t want to avoid, if they could, the fuckboys, fuckgirls and fuckpersons of the world? And if there already is an app like this please point us all in it’s direction!

This was first published on This Is Africa. 

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