Growing up, sexuality and issues related to it had never been a concern to me. I mean this, because I was a fat kid and I know for a fact that if I had been exposed to these issues earlier, I would not have let myself go the way I had, growing up. I am the brilliant only girl child of the family who could never disappoint.
At age 15, I was in Senior High school and everything changed, most important of all was my outlook of life. I first heard about the ‘L’ word there. The first time I did, as I look back now, I think I had this little fear in me that I might be one.
I fit the description of a lesbian perfectly.
The only problem was that one you were caught in the act, you were liable to dismissal.
I started having strong feelings for girls. I started working out. I joined the cadet corps, the soccer and the basketball teams. I started losing weight. I started pursuing girls and I got turned down every time, not because I was unattractive, because hell I was.
I finally got the one girl I wanted I 2010 and we used to fuck. A lot. In 2013, it ended as it always ends with straight women, she had a boyfriend and even though she really liked me, she could not choose a girl over a boy.
I was so crushed, I decided to stop chasing women.
In May 2014 I met someone online. She was everything I wanted in a woman. Mature, sexy, beautiful, smart, sassy, witty, just name it she had it. We hit it off right from the moment I sent her a message on Instagram asking for her contacts.
I felt like she was too good to be true for a person like me. She is Ghanaian but has lived in the states the major part of her life and is not bent on coming back.
Initially all I wanted from her was just friendship. Someone I could talk to without trying to escape topics on my sexuality, someone I could tell what I really feel about homosexuality, someone I could speak honestly to and she turned out to be all of that.
I cherish every call and text we shared.
Then the real problem arose; I fell in love with her.
However she was working things out with her ex around the time we met. Not long after, they reconciled and are in a happy relationship up to this moment.
There have been times when her girlfriend replied her texts and warned me to back off but knowing the person I am, I never did. They are together and the most painful part is there is nothing I can do about it. I’m just an undergrad from a modest family in Ghana in love with a master’s degree holder in a relationship living in the states. I might be delusional but I have a gut feeling this will work out someday.
I don’t know about you but I trust my gut.
Communication between us has been cut. I guess that the this move was instigated by her and it has been almost a month now but I don’t loathe her.
I still do love her. Very much.
I have never loved anybody like this all of the 22 years I have spent on this planet. Maybe nothing existed in the first place but holding on to this is what keeps me going. This sounds unfair to her girlfriend but this is reality, I constantly dream of taking her away from her.
This is the fucked up dilemma of being queer living in Ghana.