Sex

Make way for Lickster, the cunnilingus training app that will change your head game

‘Like it or not, your dick will never compare to a good lick.’

This is the tag line that comes with a new app called Lickster, a cunnilingus training app available on Google Play.

The developers describe Lickster as ‘a revolutionary new training game that will make you a cunnilingus pro lickety-split’. The description on Play Store states: ‘Do you like ice cream? This is exactly what you’re looking for. Stop fingering your phone and start licking it!’ Granted, not everyone’s phone is waterproof, but let us not lie and say that we haven’t licked our phone once or twice to clean it!

Finally, men can win at sex, literally. With this app you move through levels and it gets harder as you progress through varying degrees of difficulty. ‘Paint the Canoe’ and ‘Crisscross Apple Sauce’ are some of the moves you can learn in this game.

This app may have some drawbacks but the truth is that there are so many people who need to start from scratch – which the app allows you to do. As a woman who enjoys someone taking a trip down south I damn near dropped my phone in applause when I found this on Instagram. Luckily, over the years I have had lovers who could tie knots with their tongues but a whole host of ladies have either been getting bad head or been told by lovers that they ‘do not go down there’. In 2017, men are still saying this, yet they expect you to have their penis hit the back of your throat.

This is a tragedy that is part of a wider problem, namely that not enough women are actually having orgasms and some are just having seriously bad sex.

The number of women who are faking it or simply not enjoying it is directly correlated to the number of men who think that simply having a giant penis and ‘smashing the pussy’ is a type of sexual prowess. Research has shown that anywhere between 29% to 49% of heterosexual women are coming. This is about 30% lower than the 75% to 79% of non-heterosexual women who are coming with a consistent partner. This information was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. This is not even counting studies that show how men and women are mislabelling the clitoris despite it being made purely for pleasure.

Thing is, on this continent, from West to East Africa, from North to South, notions of women’s pleasure are embedded in cultural practices. Notions of the use of herbs, erotic ancient poetry and female ejaculation and orgasm go so far back that we shocked colonisers when they arrived. However, it would seem that something got lost in translation and now we have continental phenomenon such as ‘Mollis’ and men speaking in very tragic ways about sex.

In a world full of ‘receipts’, WhatsApp groups and social media that can shame you, poor sex is no longer okay.

Are men willing to take this advice?

But the question that I have always asked is this: Are men willing to take this advice? Unfortunately, the answer is no. Most of the ‘training’ in terms of sex that I have come across over the past few years was aimed at women. From sexologists such as those in Kenya (you must have seen that video of a man teaching women how to squirt) to Cosmo articles or kitchen parties, women are being taught how to be pillars of pleasure while men are simply told that handling the ‘Mandingo D’ is good enough. Granted, there are some spaces, like this Men’s Health piece, that are trying to teach but the bulk of the training is directed at women.

In a world full of ‘receipts’, WhatsApp groups and social media that can shame you, poor sex is no longer okay. Men are being called out left, right and centre for not being great lovers, or even mediocre lovers. More and more women are gaining access to material that teaches them that simply having a man so deep inside them that they feel them in their ears is not great sex. In fact, that is somewhat mediocre sex. More and more women are demanding to have their erogenous zones tickled, their kinky fantasies explored.

But there are some men who are willing to learn and for those who are, here are a few basic tricks in 12 steps. Your woman will thank you.

And maybe now that this has been made into a game, some fellas will be willing to learn and come to the party prepared, rather than just holding day-old chips and pretending they are God’s gift. It’s time that men learn good sexual practices because there is no longer space for bad sex.

There is much to learn in terms of how a woman’s body works, and giving head is simply the tip of the iceberg. A woman can experience many different types of orgasm. Squirting may have some hints of urine in it but having a woman drench those sheets is glorious. If you are simply throwing a penis at her, you are missing the mark by about 100 meters, and you are secretly a rubbish lover, no matter how many women you think you have made ‘moan’.

This was first published on This Is Africa.

For more on women and coming check out this post on eating pussy like a champ and also this post on why you should not fake orgasms. There is also this podcast about eating that ass like groceries.