Checking Out of The Heart Break Hotel: Tips on getting through the end of a relationship

On Mar 28, 2023

Dating can be the ghetto and sometimes you find yourself checking into the Heartbreak Hotel. And because HOLAA! wants to always make sure you are doing OK, always (we want you to have peace and not problems). We are here to give you some tips to surviving a breakup ‘cause we got you like that.

Wipe your eyes boo boo, it will be OK.

Here is a list of things to do /remember/ think about as you mend that shattered heart.

1. Realistically people are in our lives as long as there is something to be gained, the interaction should feed and grow people. Sometimes you come to the end of the road and that is OK. Letting go is OK.

2. Take time to grieve the relationship. Don’t simply be like ‘we keep it pushing’ and go out in the world. Mourn the good and the bad, take some time to feel the rollercoaster of emotions and process them.

3. Allow for some down time. Rebounds do not need to be a real thing (but of course they can). It’s OK to not jump right into bed with someone else (even with the age old idiom: get over someone by getting under someone else).

4. Try not to automatically dismiss your ex’s role in your life. No matter how it ended there was some good and some bad. There was a lot you learned and it helped shape who you are now, so sit with all of that.

5. Do a social media purge. Unfollow and if you need to block. Blocking can be quite a move but if you need the space take the space, especially if the temptation of communication is a thing. Untangle so that you stop stalking their lives and driving yourself up the wall with what they are doing.

Also don’t stalk their new partners/ lovers. You do not need that stress.

6. Don’t try and live your best life online to show that ‘you do bad all by yourself’ , truth is we see you fam, we see the hustle. Your ex sees the hustle. You have nothing to prove to anyone. It’s OK to take a moment to breathe and take stock of everything around you. Trying to show you are happy will drain the energy you need to evaluate your life and truly make your life a better space.

7. Be real with your emotions. Don’t pretend everything is OK. Sit with the fact that there is pain, that you miss them, that there were some good parts, and there were some bad parts. That life is feeling overwhelming and you might not be in the best space about yourself. Whatever the feelings are, sit with them and let them exist so you can eventually let them go.

8. Try not to hang out with the ex. Don’t pretend to now instantly be friends. Take the time to see what life is like without them because hanging increases the chances of falling into old patterns.

9. Try not to call them. Instead have a buddy system of accountability. Someone to call when you want to call them (cause you *will* want to call, esp late at night or when you are horny).

10. Forgive your own messiness and understand where it came from.

11. Spread the break up burden. Do not pile it all on one homie/ loved one. Spread the goodness: one rant here, one drunken late night phone call there, one ‘that person ain’t s**t’ somewhere else.’ The emotional labour of holding someone through a break up is a lot and you cannot place that all on one person.

12. Lay down rules of engagement with your queer friends. Sometimes we like to slide into the DMs of a friends ex after they break up. Have the convo about how this could affect your healing and ability to move on (i.e. ‘try not to f**k my ex four days after we break up’).

13. Take time to be alone, taking time to just think the hard thoughts and try and process them. This can be a lonely period but one filled with so much growth and so much potential for unpacking your own stuff. Take the time to sit with the raw stuff that comes up.

13. Do. Not. Fuck. Your. Ex.

(Contentious point in the HOLAA camp. One half says this is the perfect time to try every nasty thing you ever wanted to. The other half says ‘once you pack the stapler please know your key card has been deactivated and access is denied. Goodbye.’)

14. Try not to talk sh*t about your ex to friends/family because you might be being petty and also you can’t take stuff back. So if the person comes back….the bell cannot be unrung. They shall remember that thing you said about their orgasm face and how their morning breath is a mess.

15. Do not be emotional crutches for each (you and your ex) other or emotionally manipulate each other. You might be tempted to pull on the ol’ heart strings and structures of emotional support but do not. Find other ways of being held and supported because that is not the space for it anymore, at least not right now.

16. It’s OK to miss each other. They were a part of your life. You were a part of theirs. It is OK to miss that element. (Just try not to miss it so much you back slide).

17. Remember that this too shall pass. You aren’t the first person to go through a break up, you won’t be the last. It feels like it will last forever but it will not.

18. Lastly, a relationship ending does not mean that it was a failure or that you are a failure. Break ups are a natural part of engaging with other humans. You are still worthy and you are still loveable.

Articles:

How do I break up with a casual someone – (Autostraddle)
Tips for surviving lesbian break ups (The Live About)
Are queer women better at break ups? (PinkNews)
5 Things that killed me after my lesbian break up – (The Alternative)

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