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Sex, Relationships & Love

A Guide To Having Queer Sex For The First Time

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On Apr 6, 2023

You never learned how to have sex with another person with a vulva? That’s OK. 

Breathe. 

Having queer sex for the first time can be daunting but remember it’s about having fun. Sex is about connecting with another and vibing out. Figuring it out with the person/people is all part of the journey and this article will help to get you started. 

So how do you know you are having queer sex?

Autostraddle did make this fun little flowchart which we love.

Conversation: One thing we are always chatting about here by HOLAA! is…. chatting.  Having the conversations, trying things out and just being present in the moment is like 90% of the sex. Communication is key when it comes to coitus. Folx are like ‘give us sex tips’ and we respond – communication. People then get salty, ‘cause they wanted some sort of cute little -step-by-step sex trick. Communication IS a sex trick, people! So, before you have lesbian sex… talk about lesbian sex to your partner Talking about the sex you both want to have and the things you want to explore is sexy. Even chat about possible no-go areas. All this will make it go a lot smoother when it happens.

Safe sex: Always be having the safe sex. We mean getting tested, getting dental dams and finger cots involved. Having open conversations about boundaries and needs when it comes to the sex. Also making sure consent is at the centre of all of this.

Foreplay:  Technically this is a grey area because what is ‘pre-sex’ really, huh? But if you do want to section it off, there are many ways to play before you get into other parts of sex. Touching, licking, finding different parts of you that tingle when touched or stroked, getting all warmed up. There are so many places to tickle before you get to penetration.

Pro-tip: If it’s someone’s first time being penetrated, let’s not rush right in. Take your time, turn the person on. Be slow and gentle. Don’t just whip out the strap/fingers and slide in.

The Autostraddle article advises manual clitoral stimulation as a good place to start. Try giving the clit a stroke. Find out if the person wants it done gently or for you to give it a good rub.

Eating p*ssy: Oral sex is your friend. It really is. According to Autostraddle, ‘Oral sex is so awesome that it almost feels like cheating.’ Thems the facts, fam. When going down on someone, check that what you are doing is OK. Start slow,  be sensitive and then get more energetic with encouragement.

On the other side of the coin, if someone is going down on you, try and relax. Having someone between your thighs can make you feel insecure or shy but know you are amazing, you taste amazing and the person is probably having a fr*kkin’ good time. 

So lay back and relax.

Also dental dams. Dental dams when goin’ down. Practice safe sex, folx. 

Fingers and toys: Let’s take it down a few notches. Try one finger first, or a smaller more easily manageable toy.  Slow and steady. Also make sure that you use lube. 

Here are some steps from the Autostraddle article:

  1. Start with your index finger in just a little bit, and then all the way in and then bring in a second finger if they want. (Then a third if they want, etc etc.) Don’t go too fast, give them time to respond.
  2. Pay attention to where your other fingers are. If you’ve got your index/middle fingers inside them, is your thumbnail digging into their inner thigh? Check your sh*t. 
  3. Some folx don’t want to be penetrated for various reasons, including discomfort, gender identity or gender expression, and/or a preference for a particular sexual role (as in “I fuck you, you don’t fuck me.”) If that’s you and your partner gets in that area, politely move their hand and tell them where you do want to be touched (or that you’d rather touch them).

Scissoring: Scissoring is a classic. The lesbians/ queer folx with vulvas did a thing when they came up with this.  

According to Cosmo , scissoring is also known as tribadism or tribbing, and consists of two partners with vulvas rubbing their genitals against each other for stimulation.

To figure out how scissoring works make a peace sign with your left and right hand and bring them together so the two ‘Vs’ interlock. This is the basic version of scissoring and is all about two bodies reclining on their sides and grinding, swiveling, and rubbing pelvic bones together. But this isn’t the only way to do it. Scissoring is a colloquial umbrella term for all sorts of acts of tribadism, like rubbing vulva against all sorts of body bits! So thighs, stomachs, butt cheeks and so many other places to slip and slide on.

It can be missionary, it can be one person on top, doggy style, or penetration can be involved. Try straddling your partner while they lie on their back. Putting one leg between theirs, try slowly rubbing your vulva on their thigh. You can try standing, kneeling, face to face, back to back. You can try anything and be generous with lube if you need it. 

Another nifty trick is adding a sex toy to your scissoring, something you can slide between the two of you to add that extra element of pleasure (especially a vibrating toy). 

Pro tip: Always stretch before scissoring. 

Frottage: This is when you touch and rub up against another *very* clothed body. The dry hump (as it is tenderly known) is also a real thing. It doesn’t have to all be naked play. You can even do it in your underwear.

Now that you have the basics you can go forth and have the queer sex you deserve to have! Go get nasty.

Links to check out:

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Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are livin’, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Get your of copy Touch: Sex, Sexuality and Sensuality – A collection of essays from folks all around the world. A collection of intimate, beautiful, gorgeous essays. 

Also visit our Instagram page and Twitter account for even more great content!

To submit to HOLAA email: submissions@holaafrica.org