I am not a madam: On asking to hook you up with a woman for the weekend

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On Mar 3, 2017

By Anon

I have felt compelled to write this after I have heard the phrase ‘when I visit you I want you to find me a lesbian’ one too many times.

You want me to find you lesbian when you visit?

I’m sorry what?

Would you also like to me too find you a good quote for car insurance and a second hand TV?

It would seem that with the exploration of bi-curiousity, all straight women who have a friend who is not straight suddenly seem to think that they are some sort of pimp with a little black book full of women at their disposal whom I can just assign at a moment’s notice.


‘Oh you are into the more strong silent type? Ah yes Njoki will be just great.’

‘Wena, you’re into the femme fatal vibe huh? Don’t worry Nondumiso is JUST the one for you.’

Step up step and enjoy Kagure’s Candy Carnival! Something sweet for all tastes! Do not worry oh straight ones your magical experience is just at their fingertips. Please do not let the fact that I am in a long term relationship and know mostly couples and straight women get in the way of your notion that I must have a selection of succulent sweeties somewhere in my social sphere just waiting to have a wild night with you.

How about, no?

Although sarcasm is the lowest form of wit it is much needed in this case.

A woman sleeping with other women does not mean she will sleep with you. Just like in the heterosexual world, there are a whole host of things to consider, the most important of which is ‘will she even want to sleep with you’.  This approach is one rooted in an idea that is problematic on two fronts: Number one, all people who aren’t straight are promiscuous and number two they all want to sleep with you personally.

To play devil’s advocate to my own argument, there is the idea that having this wild little side fling will ensure that nothing ‘dramatic’ happens if the set experiment is in a controlled environment. Using a careful balance of heteronormativity, distance and a ‘whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’ mentality this could actually be explosive in a good way. Everyone walks away satisfied and happy. However this, like any other experiment can go catastrophically wrong and everyone involved (including your resident pimp) could end up with chemical burns.

From personal experience I have known the sting of an experimentation gone array. Rewind to 2009 and what started as wild weekend ‘bachelorette’ weekend with one of my bossom buddies and her two friends ended with me in an 11 month emotional rollercoaster masquerading as a relationship filled with fights, flights and all the drama that would make for a good season of a soapie. Yes, it made me deal with my sexuality and start to figure things out, but truth be told it was a sink or swim situation. Much as it ended up as a fairy tale, it could have just as quickly become an on-going nightmare with me battling my inner demons.

I just got lucky.

The fact of the matter is that one must be cognisant of the fact that sexuality is potent and powerful and if you play with it you may find yourself of the wrong side of an orgasm. I feel that sometimes people think that sexuality is something that can be played with when you are not straight. For example with the ‘so do you have a crush on me/am I your type?’ conversation. There are cases of women (and men) thinking I am attracted to all women purely because I have slept with women.

Let me tell you about another conversation I had one sunny Capetonian day:

‘So me and my girlfriend…’

‘Oh! you’re not straight?’


‘So would you want to sleep with me? As in, am I your type?’


‘What?! I’m offended.’

*cue shock and outrage.*

Let me take a moment to state that being of an alternative sexuality means that you are not allowed to have tastes and preferences. It is not such slim pickings that any crumb we are given we shall wolf up like a starving child. And thus we cannot and will not just be pawned off to everyone woman with a fantasy in her head and wetness in her loins. Being into women is not a lifestyle it is a life. It has a whole host of considerations and dimensions that your particular brand of horny may not fall into.

Question: Do you go up to your guy friends and say ‘damn it, I just want ANY man tonight. Find me one. You must know one.’ If you do, more power to you. The vagina is a muscle like any other and needs exercise. If not, don’t come around here with all of that.

Yes it may not always be easy to find women who are not ‘straight’ (especially if you are looking in all the wrong places) but this does not mean that every woman who has ever been with another woman will automatically be with you. The pickings are not that slim. Women who sleep with women, have tastes and preferences, they have commitments. Shoot, they may just not want to have sex. So keep in mind my friends are not my stable of ‘studs and bitches’ for you to play out your vacation fantasies. And I am not a madam, mostly because I do not have the requisite outfits.

So to answer your question, no, I don’t have a lesbian friend whose face you can sit on this weekend on your trip down.

First posted at Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women.

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