In the straight world, every couple has one male and one female (stay with me here, I realise it is a complicated equation), in the LESBIAN world, there are two women in a couple. With me so far?
Now, how often in the straight world, do we hear the men standing around the braai (barbecue) complaining about how women gossip, or how we fuel everything with drama, or we make Kilimanjaro out of The Melville Koppies? Now these men do have reason to complain, women do gossip. And in doing so we create a vacuum of meaningless information that usually ends up hurting whoever it is we are gossiping about.
Now imagine, if you will, what it must be like in a LESBIAN relationship. Both parties are women, all our friends are women, all our exes are women and basically everyone except our male family members and the occasional gay friend are all women.
So when this well-oiled machine kicks into gossip mode, all hell usually breaks loose.
I, very recently, had the extreme misfortune of once again being on the receiving end of this chain of gossip. I will break it down for you. (Note: The example, as well as all names, have been changed to protect the innocent (and the back stabbing bitches who would take it personally).
It went something like this:
I called Jane and said: “I feel a little bloated today, hope I am not coming down with something!”
Jane called Michelle and said, “Have you noticed Kerren is looking a little bloated, I wonder what’s up?”
Michelle called Sarah and said, “Kerren has put on weight recently, she is looking larger don’t you think?”
Sarah called Pam and said, “Have you seen how much weight Kerren has put on, wouldn’t it be funny if she was pregnant?”
Pam called Sue and said, “It looks like Kerren is pregnant, so much for her being gay right!”
Sue called Anne and said, “I told you that bitch is a straight chick, she is pregnant, by a man obviously!”
Anne called my girlfriend and said, “I am so sorry to hear what Kerren did to you… I hate to say I told you so, but we did warn you, never date a straight chick!”
And at the moment when my girlfriend comes round to discuss our relationship (keep this in mind), I am left bitch-slapped by the vacuum that is the female gay universe and wondering how on earth I fell pregnant…
Perhaps you really can fall pregnant from a toilet seat.