Afro Sexual Politics,Afro Sexual Wisdom,Gender & Identity

Queer Imposter Syndrome: Am I Really Gay Enough?

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On May 25, 2022

Queer Imposter Syndrome: Am I Really Gay Enough?

Maybe sometimes you don’t quite feel queer enough. You might not be a gold star lesbian, or a shiny gay. Sometimes you might not feel quite enough for “the community”. There is a phrase for that. Queer Imposter Syndrome.

Queer Imposter Syndrome: The feeling of not being “queer enough” to identify as being part of the LGBTIQA+ community or be a part of queer spaces. 

We won’t lie, as the LGBTIQA+ community we can sometimes be a little judgey about how folx are doing their queerness. And with ideas of being a gold star lesbian (a woman who has never been with a man) or a Platinum star gay (a gay man who born by caesarean section and has never touched a vagina) there is the idea that there is a proper way to be queer.

This is cow sh*t. 

There is no premium version of queerness that we should all ascribe to but sometimes people feel that they aren’t “gay” enough. Here are some reasons folx, and maybe even you, may not feel like a premium queer :

1. You are in a straight passing relationship.

2. You have never been in a queer relationship (you may have just come out or find dating in general to be the absolute ghetto). 

3. You are perceived by others as cis when they are not.

4. You don’t resonate with the ‘born this way narrative’. 

5. You don’t have queer community/ squad.

6. You came into your queerness later in life (e.g. later in life lesbians).

7. You aren’t deeply into queer activism.

8. You have an identity that isn’t recognised or commonly accepted. 

9. You don’t have a specific label with which you identify.

What can then happen is that you start comparing yourself to other queer folx or avoid even avoid queer spaces because you feel you might not be accepted.  You might also feel the need to conform i.e dress a certain way to try and show that you are a part of the queer community. We have all seen the femmes on social media asking “Is this how I have to dress so you know I am one of you????”  You might even feel you have to act a certain way to show you belong. 

But you don’t have to act/dress/live/f*ck/ love a certain way to identify as queer (and anyone who says you do ain’t s**t). 

Queer sex therapy on Instagram has some affirmations for when these feelings pop up. 

When you are feeling imposter syndrome say:

  • I am queer enough.
  • I do not have to prove my queerness to anyone.
  • The way people perceive my queerness does not make me any less queer.
  • Sexual or romantic experience is not a prerequisite for queerness.
  • My experience of queerness is completely unique to me.

Queerness is a spectrum and unique to everyone. Sexuality is fluid and we need to give it the space to emerge however it needs to. We don’t have to be this or that to be queer.  Do your queerness how you need to fam. 

Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are living, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!
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