Afro Sexual Wisdom

The Hustle of Studs, Stemmes, and Femmes Part I: Femmes

Posted By

On Apr 5, 2018

By Cisi Eze

If you are reading this, I assume you know what these words – stud, stemme, and femme – mean.

Editors note: if you don’t know what they mean here are the definitions: stud, stemme, femme.

Being femme is not just about appearance, it is behavioural, too. Femmes embrace almost everything feminine as defined by society – all those heteronormative attributes: soft, gentle, sweet. A typical stud is easily drawn to femmes. Like moths to a flame. But (and there are buts), some femmes do not want anything romantic to do with studs.

They be like, “It would be too obvious that we are dating.”

Other than dating there are lots of things that femmes struggle with, things that make the hustle so dang real.

Here is some of that hustle:

  1.       Invisibility

Invisibility hurts, especially when you did not choose it. With all that girlie happening around femmes, one can’t easily tell if you are queer or not. It is a wonder femmes end up with girlfriends. Praise Jesus for social media. You literally have to approach women, and move your own market.

  1.       Not Taken Seriously

People be like, “You just have not met the right guy.”

Like, really? Really, really? And there is that guy who believes he had magical dick (power of the penis). “I will make you straight.”

  1.       You’re too cute to be gay

What does that even mean? The idea that someone is to beautiful to fall for someone of the same sex implies that beauty is reserved for heterosexuality aka men. This is not a real thing.

  1.       Who is the fork between two chopsticks? (and other unfortunate questions)

When your partner is also femme presenting like you, people would ask, “Who is the guy in your relationship?” They do not understand that you could have dated a guy if you wanted a guy. When your girl is a stud, they ask, “Are you sure you do not want to be with a guy?” We simply cannot win.

  1.       People wonder why you are ‘girlie’

The thing is that most people think lesbians want to be men, and so, they assume lesbians dress like men. The truth is that there are tomboys who are neither lesbian nor bisexual. They are man-lovers and man-fuckers. In the same vein, there are very feminine women who are lesbians. It happens.

  1.       Guys ask you for threesomes

Same guys that claim to be homophobic would ask you for threesomes. Like, warrisalldis? What is all dis? What? Simply because you are exhibiting femininity you are open to them.

  1.       People make assumptions about why you are queer

People be like, ‘a guy hurt you, and so, you decided to be a lesbian’. Let us begin with the fact that you do not choose sexual orientation, you know? Same way you did not choose your skin colour, or date of birth. You do not decide to be queer. So you do not decide to date women because men suck.

  1.       People think your girlfriend is your sister

“Are you guys sisters?” If that question were drops of water, some queer women would have an ocean. You just want to clap at them and say, “She is my girl ooo!”, but it is more interesting when guys hit on you two when together.

  1.       Potential lovers think you are passive in bed

Like, no! No! No! How do you just stereotype someone, call them pillow princesses , just because of how they look?

  1.   Pandering to the patriarchy?

Woke queer women would wonder why you are playing into heteronormative behaviour as prescribed by patriarchy. You just want to scream at them, “Sister, not everything is political. Maybe I just want to get laid/loved.”


This was first published on Cisi Eze’s blog Shades of Cisi

Want more about femmes? Don’t forget to check out this piece about how femme invisibility kills interactions or this podcast about femme flagging and femme invisibility with some of our faves. There is also this piece about how being femme is political.

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