Afro Sexual Wisdom

Black Sweat: Turn that Kitty’s purr into a Roar! – NSFW

By HOLAA! ed.

‘Has anyone facebooked me?’

‘I have too many brown shoes.’

‘The milk in the fridge smells funny…’

If these are the things that you think about during sex then you may, just may have a problem in the boudoir.  This must change.

To quote Prince it is time to be ‘working up a black sweat’.

So here are a few things that may help and if the symptoms persist after this, it may be time to seek medical advice or move on.

Technology is Your Friend

Sext-ing:

This is a classic move. Say something as simple as ‘I’m wet right now and not wearing any knickers’ and BOOM! Done. Your lover will be ready to see you. Ready enough to brave peek traffic for a little taste.

There isn’t really a science to it, it just works. Maybe it’s the insertion of something so simply sexy into the mundane of everyday that makes it so deliciously dirty. All arousal starts in the mind and the added bit of tension created by being unable to immediately ease your desires is guaranteed to lead to an explosive evening of release.

For those of you who are too shy to write dirty texts, try going to the bathroom (or another private place) and snapping a sexy shot to send to your partner. Follow your naughty pic with a phrase like “I can’t wait to get you to my self tonight” and that should do the trick just as well , if not better, than a text.

Remember to keep it as erotic and kinky as you can. Sometimes we struggle to verbalize the things we would like to do face to face and a sext can be a pathway to verbalizing your fantasies and fetishes to your lover.

Phone Sex:

This is sexting for the lazy (or extroverted depending on how you look at it). All you need is a speaker phone (to free your hands up), some lube, a good phone plan and voila! You can chat your way to a fiery climax. The bonus is that the sound of your partner huffing and puffing while they play with themselves gives your “self-love” session a little more heat and minimizes the strain on your imagination.

If you struggle with what to say when you’re engaging in phone sex try getting literary- read some erotic material to your partner until you find your own voice. If erotica isn’t your thing then try being descriptive, say something like ” imagine me whirling my tongue on your collar bone” and see where it goes. It’s likely that once you get your confidence up your talk will be dirtier than an athlete’s jockstrap and we all love durrrty.

Bells and Whistles

Porn:

There is some really great Sapphic porn out there. No I’m not talking about those boooooring sequences with bored straight girls decked out with long nails, obviously fake moans and routinely timed stares into the camera that are toped off with their half open eyes and ajar jaws. I am talking about porn for women by women. Just search for it.

If you want to switch it up then don’t limit yourself to Queer Woman porn because more often than not, when tastefully done, all expressions of sexuality are quite intriguing and they could get you quite excited.

Give it a try. It may serve as good background or teach you a few things.

Lotions and Potions:

There is nothing more sensual ( or deliciously maddening ) than touching for touching’s sake. So break out the sweet smelling oils and give your partner a good rub. Yep. That’s it. Just a rub. Put your hands on every inch of her body and when you’re done make sure it has been rubbed and loved and left glistening.Take the time to enjoy the feel of someone’s skin and the intimacy that getting to know their body with your hands brings.

There is an array of options available: massage oils, lubricants, baby oil and also funktified products that go by names like: ‘Orgasm Enhancing Gel’ apparently all you need is two drops on your clitoris and you’re guaranteed to climax, its and orgasm in a box…or so they say.

If your budget is a little too tight to go out and purchase a whole range of oils then try this:

• Grab a jar of any oil in your kitchen ( be it olive, canola, sunflower or grape)
• Decide on which plant or herb you would like to add ( it could be thyme, rosemary, lavender, mint, lemongrass or rose petals)
• Crush that herb or plant just enough to release the scent and place a decent amount into a re-sealable jar – remember that stalks hardly ever smell awesome so leave those out if you can.
• Cover the jar with a muslin cloth or cling wrap and leave to sit for a day or so.
• Strain the oil removing any plant bits and/ or impurities and repeat the process above as many times as you will need to in order to get the right smell and/ or colour.

If it burns STOP USING IT. That’s just proper etiquette.

Fun with Food:

You know when they say part of the taste is in the presentation? Well, what better presentation is there then a naked body? What better plate is there than someone’s stomach or a pair of beautiful breasts? If 40% of taste lies in the presentation, food just got a whole lot tastier and so did your shagging sessions!

Try some whipped cream, chocolate body paint, fruits or sushi (for those big ballers out there). Avoid rice, pap/ugali/fou fou/ sadza and anything else with spices, chilli or sauce. Once they get into the wrong places those things just aren’t sexy. Also try laying a sheet on the floor so you don’t stress too much about getting things dirty, your full attention has to be on the task at hand.

Sex Toys:

These need to be chosen very carefully. The big black mandingo- type dildo isn’t for everyone so you need to communicate with your parter and find out what it is that they are comfortable with. If you have access to toys try the assortment – after all sex is playtime for adults.

There are clit ticklers, nipple clamps, butt plugs, vibrating eggs, g-spot massagers, things that go deep, dildos, dongs and even hand shaped devices. Basically there are lots of sex toys one can choose from and they  all do different things. Some stimulate you down there by stretching you out a little bit, tickling you or whirling round and round; while others are aimed at other parts of your body.Choose what works for you but remember be creative with where and how you use your toys. Some of the best fun I have had with my lover started when brushing our teeth in the shower turned into having the vibrating bit of an electrical toothbrush running down my spine while exchanging deep and passionate kisses.

Also whatever you do keep your toys clean by using condoms (when applicable), washing them thoroughly after use and storing them in clean dry places.

Location Location Location

Have Sex in Public:

The more discreet it has to be to prevent you from getting caught the better. Try the bathroom at the club or under a blanket after a wine-fuelled picnic at the park…heck join the “Mile High Club”. As long as there is some chance of being caught there is something that gets…heightened. Call it adrenalin if you will but everything is that much more sensual. Obviously don’t go into a church during Sunday Mass and decide that now is the time to see if you can ‘cum silently’. God is watching you.

Also use your common sense, there is nothing more embarrassing than being caught with your pants down, literally, and having to explain exactly why it is you have a criminal record for public indecency to your family members, friends and colleagues.

Note: if you live in a seriously homophobic area maybe be EXTRA safe. Don’t risk it for the biscuit in this case. You could have that same edge by having sex in your home with your lights on and the curtains open- the possibility of a peeping tom is enough to get your blood boiling while still being safe.

Vanity is Thy Name:

While we are on the subject of exhibitionism we may as well throw in watching you and yours get it on. You could make a home movie (almost every laptop and cellphone comes with a built in camera these days) or make love in front of a reflective surface like a mirror or a glass door (at night). It’s a beautiful thing to be able to marvel at the way your bodies respond while they are interacting. So forget modesty and give it a try!

The Nitty Gritty

Switching Positions:

Women loving women get the  ‘what do you even do in bed?’ questions all the time. The answer is simple: a whole lot of stuff! It’s like a Super Saiyan game of Tetris when we get it on ( if you missed the Dragon Ball Z reference be better because Anime is awesome).

Not all positions are created equal so try new things in new places. Some stuff works better in the shower than on the floor, other stuff needs countertops and other stuff needs chairs or love cushions. Whatever you do make sure that you switch it up every now and then and fuck according to your partner’s personal strengths; some women are flexible, others are strong and others need to be popped at just the right angle in order for them to cum (just remember to use lubrication, keep your nails short and aim for that little rough area on her upper vaginal wall known as the g-spot).

Try sitting on someone’s face it gives you both a great view- there is something really hot about being able to make eye-contact while bringing or being brought to climax.

Then there’s the classic 69 position which takes some coordination and concentration. It may be hard for both of you to cum while you do this (mostly because you tend to forget what you are doing when your sweet spot is being stimulated) but it’s super hot.

There is also the Dutch Tulip (a 69 on your side), Missionary, Back-Shots, Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl… actually the list is as extensive as your ability to flip, twist and contort your body.

One activity  in particular needs a special mention and that’s scissoring. Thanks to South Park and a variety of ill direct pornos it is considered to be the quintessential woman-on-woman sex move. Here’s the thing it doesn’t work for everybody but when it does – wooh! It’s fantastic! The main issue when it comes to getting down with the get down is how you and your partner “fit”. Though it may seem awkward the best thing to do is to play around with positions until you find one where you can feel each other’s warmth and wetness comfortably. From there you can grind away, just remember people the aim here is to sweat!

Having sex with a woman is a full contact sport so you are bound to use fingers, palms, lips, tongues, teeth, knees, thighs and even your hair. As with any other sport the more fit and in form you are the better. We’re not talking Serena Williams fit here just that you’ve got to have the stamina, flexibility and agility to make love to your girl as hard, slow, fast, long, short, upside down and intensely as she needs to get her rocks off. So get out there do some yoga, jog, walk or take a dance class. Just engage with your body so that you can engage with hers. This is especially important because the endorphins and adrenalin we release when we do physical exercise are super great for our mood and that translates in the bedroom (trust me).

Contrary to popular opinion not every woman can self lubricate to the point of dripping onto the sheets – it doesn’t mean that she is not turned on but it does mean that she may need more time or that you may need to use some lube. The best lubes are water or silicone based because they can be used safely without compromising the integrity of condoms, dental dams, finger cots or other barrier methods (safe sex is important people).

Sex is as much about the journey as it is about the destination so make sure that you are present in the moment and not obsessing about whether or not your partner has climaxed – whether that does or doesn’t happen should not take away from the experience because it is awesome as it is.

Breast Play:

There is no Sapphic woman on earth who doesn’t like looking at a great set of breasts. The thought of a lovely pair makes me… *pauses for a second*. Anyway (depending on your lover) paying attention to this part of a woman’s body is a critical part of having sex. Most inexperienced people tend to assume that all breasts are alike and should therefore be treated in exactly the same way. WRONG! Nothing could be more wrong. Like every other part of a woman’s body her breasts ,and how she wants you to touch them, are as unique as she is. Rumour has it that when done right a little slap, pinch and tickle in the tidday area can bring a woman to orgasm. I have yet to see that but Lord knows I’m always keen to try.

Here are a few things I have learned along the way:

When it comes to nipples the smaller they are the less sensitive they are. That means you can bite, suck, pinch and even flick them a little harder than nipples of the larger variety. This doesn’t mean that you should be abrupt and rough (unless that is what she likes) it just means that you may have to do a little more for her to feel a tingle down her spine.

Larger breasts require a little more pressure because the nerves may be elongated. To give her maximum sensation have her lie on her back when you stimulate her breasts, that way you can use the palms of your hands to apply as much pressure as she needs to get stimulated.

Whatever you do please do not make a beeline for her nipples and areola. There is so much more to breasts than that, like their side or underside. So take it slow and pay attention to how she responds to your touch ( by listening to her breathing and watching her body language). Build it up by teasing and experimenting with different textures, temperatures and sensations. For the love of boobs be creative (see what I did there)! Bust out the ice, use your nails or try rubbing her breasts up against your wet vagina for some added kink.

It’s All In The Mind

Mmhmm Tension Yummy:

There is something super sexy about winding each other up but not allowing yourselves to touch. Think that scene in The L Word when Bette and that carpenter chick are in jail, pinned up against one another and talking about all of the things they’d love to do to each other but not doing them quite yet… yeah like that. It’s tense and extremely arousing.

One night set up the scene: play that music you love, light some candles, burn some incense, open the windows or something – whatever works for you. Then you and your rude gal should set a boundary that you can’t cross and sit in facing each other (preferably in a posture that leaves your body open) and start describing in detail what it is you would like to do with each other. It’s important that you acknowledge her and her body during this process, tell her what you like about her and how looking at her makes you feel. Guaranteed this will get your engines going, try to hold off for a little while and when you can’t take it anymore dive in.

An awesome variation of this is to take some fabric that will distort your vision and/ or create a silhouette and hanging it up or hold it between the both of you. Talk about your desires, breathe with her, describe how she tastes, what makes you feel good and so on. Feel free to touch and scratch through the fabric but make sure that your skin doesn’t touch. That is bound to create some seriously sexy tension which can culminate in a night of hot sex, mutual masturbation (see below) or you could make it a tantric exercise and only act on your desires hours or days later.

Get Randy and Rowdy and Touch That Body:

Well not necessarily rowdy but masturbate in front of each other. You will feel INSANELY shy at first but doing this for your squeeze is extremely sexy. It also allows you to get to grips with your own body, build your confidence and tap into your Inner Goddess. You and your partner both get to figure out what you like in a very sexual way. Plus the view is amazing and you get to feel, watch and experience a Sex Goddess in action. Your inner voyeur is going to love this one.

Dress The Part Then Play It:

That French maids outfit. Wear it. Then teeter around with a feather duster in your hand and beg to get spanked for stealing the madam’s pearls. Role playing allows you to get out of your own mind, you stop being you and let go of the hang ups. Do a little something outside your comfort zone by giving in to your inner Freak-A-Leek. Sometimes people just need to get out of their own heads. So figure out what your fantasy is and how you would like to express it. If you are brave this is a great opportunity to explore your fetishes too. You co

uld release your inner furry or spend the evening sucking on your lover’s toes.

For a little extra kick throw in a wig, a made up name and meet up at a location other than your respective dens. Do what you want to. Just get out of your own head and lose your inhibitions.

If role playing is a little too much for you there is always being downright sexy. Everybody loves a well wrapped gift and nothing says “do me” quite as well as some sexy lingerie. If  lace, suspenders and thigh high socks aren’t quite your thing then throw on a cute pair of boxers, a vest, a nice bra, boy-shorts or an outfit that SCREAMS “take my clothes of now”. Women are visual creatures too, trust me.

 

Heavy Duty Activity

Bondage :

This takes some serious trust. Or just an adventurous spirit. When someone ties you up you are at their mercy. But submission is part of the fun. There are so many things that can be used to restrain a person: hand cuffs, ties, belts, head scarves and for the pros good quality rope. Just look around the room right now and you should be able find at least ONE thing that you can use to bind your lover. The bonus is you get to do like that old R&B song and ‘touch me, tease me, feel me and caress me…’ all at your leisure.

Bondage is best taken slow because build up is critical to your success. The person being tied up should be played with to the extent that all you have to do is blow on their erogenous zones and they will convulse. Their response is part of your pleasure after all.

Being tied up takes time and commitment – it’s an art form. Going through all of that and then fucking senselessly three seconds later is a waste of rope-tying skills and knowledge of knots. Take your time. That way you can ensure that when the orgasm(s) come(s) there is writhing, moaning and bucking. It also gives you a chance to explore someone’s body without all them getting shy and pushing your hand away or recoiling from your touch.

If you tend to be super controlled and restrained in your public life then being tied up and relinquishing control may be nerve wracking but it is an extremely freeing experience. However if being submissive just isn’t your cup of tea then consider playing the dominant role and being the one in charge of your partner’s pleasure. Bear in mind that it takes an extremely empathetic temperament to be able to read the signs on somebody’s body and that as the dominant party you need to appreciate the responsibility that comes with having somebody at your mercy. It is not an opportunity to be vindictive.

S&M:

In this type of play pleasure is derived from pain – think Hell Raiser- so you need to be very careful about what you do and knowing where your partner’s boundaries are. Have a discussion about how far you can push the envelope before actually engaging in S & M.

Also there is no need to go from 0 to 100km/h here take it easy and introduce pain into your love making very slowly, gradually increasing it once you have negotiated and renegotiated your boundaries. Communication is absolutely essential when it comes to having a safe and satisfying BDSM experience. Have a “safe word” that isn’t something like “ouch” or “stop it” because that just sounds like part of the fun. The best way to set clear boundaries using by safe words is by having a system where you can let your partner know how close you are to the edge; so try using words like “green”, “amber” and “red” the connotations are pretty clear. To reiterate the point mentioned above the giving partner must be responsible, sensitive and constantly check in with the receiving partner through out the whole process.

For beginners here are a few great things to try out ( you’re probably going to be surprised by how much of this you do already):

• Hair Pulling
• Playing with candle wax (wax play)
• Slapping and/ or choking
• Scratching and biting
• Spanking (light or heavy)
• Playing with riding crops, whips and chains
• Knife Play (discussed below)

Obviously you should do your research but remember: one great thing about BDSM is that there is always fetish wear at the end of the tunnel.

Knife play:

Sweet goodness! The African girl in me is trembling a little bit while writing this (religious indoctrination is hard to shake sometimes). But this gem deserves a special mention so here goes. *stretches*

Knife Play. This is a form of consensual BDSM “edge play” which utilizes knives, daggers and swords as a source of physical and mental stimulation. Knives can be used to cut away clothing, scratch the skin, remove wax after wax play or simply provide sensual simulation.

Knife play doesn’t have to start with samurai swords and big steak knives. It doesn’t even ever have to get there. It can be butter knives or Swiss army knives and it can just involve the cutting off of clothing.

 

My laptop may be judging me but I have written it and the smirk on my face is refusing to budge. So three cheers to steel and kinkiness in general.

Good House Keeping

With all the fun to be had make sure that you practice safe sex, get tested and know your HIV and STI status. Also practice good hygiene: groom your nails and always keep your hands and body clean. Nothing ruins a mind shattering experience quite like a bad case of Bacterial Vaginosis or poor hygiene.  

At The End of The Day It’s The Small Things

If you are a couple that has been together for a long time. You figure out that nothing beats kissing caressing, touching and enjoying intimacy. A great number of people think sex is the glue of a relationship and while it’s definitely a pillar there is something about a well-planted kiss. I have known couples who had sex three times a day and broke up and some who don’t have it for weeks but kiss all the time and they could not be happier. I acknowledge that this is relative especially because some people are more tactile than others… but hey.

The thing about kissing somebody is that you look them in the eye and take the time to acknowledge their presence. At the end of the day we all want to be seen and appreciated by the people we let into our intimate spaces and if that is absent then no matter how much Pilates and chandelier swinging you do there will always be something missing from your love life.

Communication is key. Speak to each other about how you feel and what you need. Not everybody is going to show love or express themselves in exactly the same way and that could cause problems along the road once all the salsa and hot sauce is gone and all you have left are warm feelings.

Have your own lives and identities. Remember that you were attracted to each other because you are different people who had their own stories. So don’t become a 4 eyed, 4 breasted, 4 legged, 20 finger and toe having two headed hydra- that’s just gross! Have your own scent, wear your own clothes and remember to be somebody outside of your coupling. It will enrich the time that you do spend together. Guaranteed!

Plan Dates and actually take the time out to be romantic and present when you are around your partner. The awesome thing about a woman is that no matter how long you have been with her you will always be able to find something beautiful about her. It just requires you to take the time to appreciate who she is, what she has to say, how she moves when walks, the way she interacts with others or how she navigates her own body. Just take the time.

For those Afro-Queers out there who more sex advice from HOLAA check out #TouchUrself HOLAA’s guide to masturbation and How to Eat Pussy Like a Champ.

For advice on safe sex for women who have sex with women check out this post.

Let HOLAA! know what you think and what your experiences have been? Also if you have any advice or questions feel free to shout out right below.