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Tag: non-monogamy

Poly on Valentine’s Day: Navigating non-monogamous love on romance’s ‘big day’

  •  Posted in Afro Sexual Wisdom, Blog, Sex, Relationships & Love
  • 2 Comments
When the idea came to mind to share my experiences of being a black, queer and non-monogamous womxn, I thought I would have too much to write about and would never run out of ideas. This is my first piece this year and I am suddenly stuck and not as eager as I was when […]
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We speak with Bongi about getting the sex she wants, navigating these waters and how her body can do WILD things. http://holaafrica.org/2017/07/21/holaaloves-sex-as-a-bigger-woman-a-conversation-with-bongi/HOLAALoves: Sex as a bigger woman- A conversation with BongiBodies come in different sizes and shapes and can do so many amazing things. Problem is we have certain perceptions about what some bodies can do and others cannot. There is always the idea that women who have more to them cannot handle certain things in bed. That, coupled with the possibility of being a fetish can make getting some of the good stuff super tricky. In this podcast we speak with Bongi about getting the sex she wants, navigating these waters and how her body can do WILD things. For more articles on body positivity and fat shaming check out this article on why the definition of body positivity isn’t up for debate and this one about girls whose thighs touch. There is also this one that says 11 Reasons Your Phony ‘Concern’ for Fat People’s Health Has Got to Stop and 7 Phrases You May Not Think Are Fat Shaming – But Definitely Are.For our other podcasts click here.lalladalla: A cabeça ficou loucaSó com aquele beijinho no canto da boca girlfriends from this music video because i’m in loveAlthough the notion of Pride itself is arguably universal, an argument is often made that many of the acronyms, labels and categories that come with the modern sexuality movement are taken from primarily Western notions. There are many in the African context who are either afraid to or do not wish to associate themselves with those labels. http://holaafrica.org/2017/07/20/can-we-imagine-an-african-pride/Can we imagine an African Pride?By KagureJune was LGBTIQ+ Pride Month, a time when the rainbow peace flag is flown and members of the LGBTIQ+ community and their allies come out to walk the streets in celebration of the diversity of sexuality. For many people, when they think of Pride, they think of parades, parties and men in assless chaps.In many ways, this month of celebration, which comes hot on the heels of IDAHOBIT (International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia, as celebrated on 17 May, is seen as an American holiday because it was birthed to commemorate the 1969 Stonewall Riots in New York City.Whatever its origins, June has come to be seen as a time when the world celebrates LGBTIQ+ rights and the history of the LGBTIQ+ movement. But what does it mean for one to be proud on the African continent? Furthermore, what does it mean to celebrate LGBTIQ+ rights which are, more often than not, never realised? What does it mean for all the celebrations to be the same yet the realities so profoundly different?‘What does Pride mean to you?’One of the most identifiable problems with Pride is the idea that it should manifest itself in the same way in different contexts. This, unfortunately, cannot be the case, as a lesbian living in Miami in the United States, who has access to Dinah Shore, the spring break for lesbians, has a different sense of her existence than a woman living just outside of Abuja, Nigeria.Although the notion of Pride itself is arguably universal, an argument is often made that many of the acronyms, labels and categories that come with the modern sexuality movement are taken from primarily Western notions. There are many in the African context who are either afraid to or do not wish to associate themselves with those labels. One then has to question what ‘traditional’ forms of Pride would look like to them. What happens when one’s existence does not conform to pink feather boas, or a colourful group march and an epic party that would rival any New Year’s celebration?As yet, only three countries on the continent have celebrated Pride in the ‘traditional’ sense: South Africa, Uganda and Lesotho. Despite their different contexts, however, all have had very similar-looking celebrations. A Pride celebration of the San Francisco type is often seen as the goal, with various contexts seeking to plan their own similar celebrations, mimicking their counterparts in the global north.While many a Pride has had its genesis in similar ideas of visibility and protest, one only has to look at the case of South Africa to know that the needs within this seemingly celebratory space can differ. Within South Africa, Pride marches have splintered into various groups, with Johannesburg alone boasting three different Pride celebrations.African Contexts for PrideHow Pride is celebrated needs to be cognisant not only of the national context but also what its participants are proud of. Unpacking this idea during a conversation for this piece, one queer man from East Africa lamented that there was ‘too much copy and paste-ing’. He argued that only a very specific demographic manages to occupy these spaces and so can shape them in their image: “A great number of prominent activists go abroad and come back, saying: ‘This is the Pride march I went to. It was great and we must also do it like this. Even us, we must flourish.’”This is coupled with the issue of social status. Not everyone in African communities can attend a Pride celebration it takes time, money and guts to be that visible, especially if your community is a small and intimate space where everyone knows everyone else’s business.This imbalance of power and limited representation is also perpetuated by who funds Pride celebrations. When the money for your Pride comes from Berlin or Washington, there is a certain expectation of what the final product will look like. All this means that there is often little space to create diverse and nuanced expressions of Pride.It may be time to rethink how Pride can be manifested in different spaces, taking into account different contexts, levels of visibility, cultural considerations and socio-political factors. The aspiration that Pride must be a highly visible Mardi Gras-type march not only means that some may not be able to identify with it or access it it means that it might not showcase the true diversity of the existences of LGBTIQ+ people globally.This post was first published on This Is Africa.*leave a comment on the post, you can write it under a different name and your email will not be published.*To submit to HOLAA! email submissions@holaafrica.orgashlingtumbls: OOOOOH BABY DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT’S WORTH // OOOOOH HEAVEN IS A PLAAACE ON EAAAARTH Just finished this lil bit o’ fanart I’ve been wanting to do for months! I love themcinnabarbie:They borrow each other’s items sometimes…amongst other “things” 😺cinnabarbie:They borrow each other’s items sometimes…amongst other “things” 😺“For me, as a queer woman who isn’t attracted to men and who is typically read as straight, embodying a type of femme-ininity that is 110% not for the male gaze is tremendously powerful.” http://holaafrica.org/2017/07/18/whats-in-a-dress-queer-femininity-as-political/Whats in a dress?: Queer Femininity as PoliticalBy AudiWhat’s in a dress?In our case as queer womxn and non-binary folx a lot. Whether intentional or not, it is inherently political. Its very existence in a patriarchal and heteronormative society is political. “Lipstick and beards shouldn’t exist together. Boobs and bespoke suits together are an atrocity,” , and so forth…”Even when something is seemingly conformist and non-political such as heels and frills on a cisgender feminine presenting queer womxn, it is still political. Consider what Shannon Weber says of her queer femme style in an interview with Hi Femme (a project celebrating contributions that femmes make to queer fashion), “For me, as a queer woman who isn’t attracted to men and who is typically read as straight, embodying a type of femme-ininity that is 110% not for the male gaze is tremendously powerful.”Our dress is transgressive and that makes it powerful and liberating, which makes me wonder why most times we work so hard to adjust the hemline and take out a few sequins to make it more heteronormative. Despite years of fighting over labels and the increasing visibility of non-binary identities, there are still unwritten problematic rules that govern how we explore fashion and gender presentation in most queer circlesFeminine aesthetics are not considered androgynous, non-binary or queer enough coz… oh well, masculinity is always the norm even in queer culture! When we think of neutral, non-conforming, blank-slate kinds of identities or expressions, we tend to think of masculine aesthetics without considering what they could mean to different people.Feminine aesthetics are considered apolitical and not radical enough. In my opinion, to be feminine presenting in a world where you’ve been told all your life that femininity is inherently weak and lesser, both by mainstream and queer culture, is so damn radical and political. It’s about autonomy and reclaiming femininity away from the heteronormative gaze.Androgynous presentation is reserved for masculine-of-center womxn and non-binary folx, because as much as we go around chanting that ‘clothes are genderless’ at the back of our minds they are still gendered. We still expect to see a clear distinction between femininity and masculinity even though it should be clear by now that these identities do not exist in boxes but within a spectrum, and thus their expression also exist within a spectrum.Masculine-of-center individuals ‘fail’ themselves and everyone else if they adopt ‘feminine aesthetics’ in their presentation. Somehow, it shows that they are confused about their identities or even sexual orientation. Yap, such BS! Again, how does a wand of mascara diminish one’s masculinity or femininity? Oh and lest we forget, womxn and non-binary folx policing and shaming each other for signs of ‘effeminacy’ is rooted in toxic masculinity where femininity is deemed undesirable.Your gender presentation determines your label and roles in your sex life, interactions and relationships. Hmmm are we all familiar with the good ol’ ‘man in the relationship’ crap we borrowed from cisheteronormativity? The masculine presenting half in every relationship is the provider, decision maker and ‘top’ during sex, the feminine presenting half is the homemaker, caregiver yada yada yada…Our labels may have helped some of us put things into perspective and find our places in the queer community when we were coming out, but now they are more than just labels, they are boxes. They have become like gender in a patriarchal society, prescribing how we should be rather than recognizing how we are and anyone who dares to stray from these prescriptions is punished.Trans womxn are always expected to present in a ‘traditionally’ feminine way. They should work every waking moment to prove to us that they are really womxn and what better way to do that than to look as ‘real woman’ as possible, right? WRONG! Trans womxn don’t have to prove shit to you and especially not their ‘authenticity’. Moreover, Trans identities fall within a spectrum and so do their presentations.(*This list is not conclusive)So, what could it be, our obsession with boxes and heteronormativity? It’s so easy to blame it all on our socialization, but isn’t that kinda lazy? We may not be responsible for where we come from, but we are responsible for who we become especially, when we are no longer ignorant about our shortcomings. The awesome thing about human beings is that you can only put them in a box for so long. Though the circumstances and timing may vary from one individual to the next, eventually, they break free if they want to.It’s not all bleak though.It does not happen every day but I am increasingly finding myself in spaces where labels matter less and identities matter more, spaces where reclamation and exploration of gender presentation is encouraged and even celebrated. Seems our queer dress is still being sewn to transcend time and space after all.Want more about the dynamics in relationships between studs and femmes check out A Stem Coming Out Party. Also check out this post about lesbian rules that people need to break! Submit your writing, photos or anything else to HOLAA! email: holaafricaonline@gmail.com*leave a comment on the post, you can write it under a different name and your email will not be published.*oshun67: Black Lesbians from the 1930s. This ain’t nothing new!I had an aunt who dressed like these ladies and she identified herself as a “stud” , a word used in the lesbian community to identify a level of masculinity. My aunt had to endure sexism, racism and scrutiny more than I can imagine. She was “out” during the 50s and 60s, waaaay before the famous LGBT Stonewall riots that took place in NYC.thefrizzkid: My portrait series of racialized LGBTQ folks. ❤️💛💚💙💜🏳️‍🌈✨
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