Mama I f**ked up

Dear mama,

This time I really did fuck up and it hurt someone that I care about.  I thought I had it all together, no more bad choices on my end, but mama it seems I love bad choices or they just seem to love me.

Or maybe I am just as messed up as they come.

You see I thought I had my shit this past weekend but it so happens I had destruction written at the back of my palm, I chose the wrong type of girl to take home. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I felt entitled to her because I had come with her first. I wish I had made a different decision, I wish I had not tagged her along, I wish I had not taken her to my friend’s house and let her touch me or let myself touch her.

I wish I would have made a better decision that one night, I don’t know if I want to talk to her again because part of me feels like we used each other for our own selfish gain. Or for the thrill of the moment.

I told the lady that I care about of what happened and she listened to me and heard me out. The sad reality is that I lost her trust and I don’t know whether I can earn it again because she has a good soul and a beautiful heart, and I want her no matter and I don’t know if she will ever want me back.

You see mama am good at this things messing my life and letting the good one’s slip right through my hands. You see mama I am the one that fucks up each and every time. I don’t think I am lovable mama, I don’t know even how to love myself sometimes. Sometimes I think that I don’t know what love is anymore.

Sometimes mama I want to end it all but then I remember I have come a long way to quite right now, so yes I let myself survive because it’s the right thing to do mama, because I don’t want to let you down, because sometimes I tell myself am stronger than my demons but sometimes they choke the life out of me and I let them because I am a terrible human being. I don’t think I deserve any of the good things but am grateful for them.

So yes mama am going to get my shit together, someone told me I need to forgive myself but it’s not that easy especially when I knew I could have made a better decision. A better choice.  I don’t know the first step that I need to take but maybe all figure it out.

Yours sincerely,

Daughter

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