HOLAA in a Hot Spot: Advice on loving an older women in Accra, cheating with d**k and being sex starved.

HOLAA in a Hot Spot, advice, HOLAAfrica, HOLAA, ithongo musings

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Hello HOLAA in a Hot Spot,

I am a 23 year old woman living in Accra. I have been having sexual relations with much older woman for the last 6 months and, even though it started as a secret fun thing to do (she has a husband living abroad) I think I now have feelings for her. I have tried to initiate more time with her but outside of the sex she does not seem to want to hang out.

How do I ask what we are without scaring her off or messing up the sex?

Young and fallen in Love

 

Dear Young and fallen in Love,

I cannot guarantee that having this conversation with your lover will not scare her off. However it seems that you and her need to have a conversation about the emotional boundaries of your relationship.

As a poly-positive person, I do not think that her being married is necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes queer people make decisions to live hetero-centered lives for safety and security. It is not entirely foreign for queer women to enter heterosexual marriages in order to protect themselves against homophobic families and communities.

However, the boundaries of every relationship need to be negotiated in order to avoid people catching feelings which cannot be reciprocated, which seems to be what has happened here.

Firstly you have to have to do some emotional honesty with yourself and sit down and ask yourself what you want from this relationship. Once you have established what YOU want then you have to ask yourself what will happen should your older lover not want the same.

Conversely also consider the situation where your older lover wants the same thing as you. Do you think you are emotionally capable of being with a married women? Although I am poly-positive, polyamorous relationships rarely work where one of the partners have not consented/or been made aware of the arrangement.

Once you have considered these possible outcomes, I would advise that you sit your older lover down and have a conversation about what she wants. A boundary conversation will help make decisions from a space of emotional clarity and honesty.

Boundary conversations are always hard and she might not receive it well. But you have to get into the practice of establishing emotional boundaries and expectations in your relationships as early as possible. This will help you to avoid emotional manipulation and toxicity in future relationships.

Lastly, without sounding morbid, you’re 23, relationships should not overburden you, they should be about discovering yourself, establishing what YOU like and do not. At your age you’re supposed to be discovering yourself at the emotional, spiritual and physical levels. You’re supposed to be learning from YOUR mistakes not the mistakes. You are definitely not supposed to have the decisions of others imposed on you.

***

HOLAA in a Hot Spot,

I have a confusing confession, whenever I date a woman I always cheat on them with a man even though I hate the sex I have with men. I do not want to have penis inside me but I cheat on EVERY single woman. Why do I do this? What is it that makes me keep going back and how do I fix it?

Please help me understand this,

Confused Lesbian

Dear Confused Lesbian

There a multiplicity of issues which I’d like to address in relation to your question. First and most immediate is the question of safety and protection. It is entirely selfish of you to be potentially exposing partners to the level of health dangers you are exposing them to.

Your cheating might be exposing your lovers to a number of sexually transmitted infections. Your behaviour is fucky. Further cheating in this way amounts, in my mind, to abuse. Your partners have not consented to a poly relationship, your cheating exposes them to a number to health risks that they are not aware of and are therefore not able to protect themselves against.

Now that’s out of the way, lesbians sleeping with men is not unusual. Queer womxn sleep with men for a variety of reasons, mostly survival. Strategic heterosexuality helps Queer womxn protect themselves from homophobic family and communities. We live on a continent where a boss can fire you for being homosexual.

Your cheating might be a result of your internalised homophobia. There are a variety of reasons why people cheat. The cheater might not know what they want or they might want to know whether they are with the right person. Sometimes people cheat because they are fearful.

If I had to give you a direct answer, I would say your cheating shows signs of indecisiveness and might come from a place of fear. Because of the narrative of impermanence around being gay/lesbian/bisexual i.e. that it is “just a phase”. It is often difficult for lesbians/gays/bisexuals to believe in the legitimacy of their relationships. This often makes commitment difficult. This can cause us to “act out” in various ways.

I would suggest that you do some introspection and figure out why you cheat. You might gain some insight if you are able to identify the stage in your relationship at which you begin cheating. It might be that you begin cheating when a relationship shows signs of maturity and commitment.

This might mean that in your relationships with women you need affirmation from your partner that she is still committed to the relationship and still wants to be with you. You will have to learn to ask your future partners to be more affirmative about their commitment to you.

If you want to address your behaviour you will have to be honest to yourself and give yourself the time to understand why you act the way you do and the motivations behind those actions.

***

Good day HOLAA hot spot,

I met the most magical woman and for three months we have been talking, flirting, hanging out, making out and cuddling. It is so nice being around her but the lack of sex is getting a bit much. I am being patient and calm but I really want to f**k. I think she does too but we it seems we are both waiting and too scared to ask. How should I bring it up without looking too thirsty?

Thank you in advance for your help,

Needing that sweet drink

Dear Needing that sweet drink

You need to talk. The beautiful thing about being lesbian/Queer is that, heterosexual rules around “thirst” do not apply to us. In addition it really is okay to be thirsty that is exactly how your body is designed to respond to sexual stimulus – which you are having a lot of.

Good sex is about communication and it will be mighty difficult to move beyond this stage without having a conversation with your partner/sex-buddy about sex. Because of the nature of Queer sex – we have bottoms/Tops and Studs/Femmes, “don’t touch mes”/Dykes/Aggressives/Kuchus/Trans* – we have to have to have THE sex conversation.

The sex conversation covers a lot of things including what your partner is comfortable with/what they enjoy and what they don’t/what sex role they prefer and what sexual acts they want or do not want.

However you begin the conversation you must be clear about what your expectations and boundaries are. Consent in sexual interactions is incredibly in order to ensure that both of parties enjoy the experience.

You can begin the conversation a number of ways. My partner suggests you just blurt it out – her exact words are “She must just let her partner know, I’m sexually attracted to you and I want you.”

I would advise, if you are still fearful, to perhaps send her a text. A text allows you to express yourself safely without being overwhelmed by the anxiety of being in front of her.

Do not be afraid to seem/look thirsty, she might actually find your thirst desirable. The great thing about a person thirsting over you is that you know they want you and being desired by someone who matters to you in affirming.

Go forth and spread the thirst.

MaThoko and others are here to answer your questions on the podcast, videos or right here on the site so submit them here. For more about HOLAA in a Hot Spot click here.

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MaThokopostbox is a space created for Black South African Queers to hold their experiences. It is a digital continuation of the safe space created by Thokozile Khumalo, affectionately known as MaThoko. In honoring Queer radical resistance, MaThokospostbox hopes to continue the work of building Queer solidarity and networks of support for Black Queers across the African continent.
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