HOLAA in a Hot Spot: Advice on fixing funky sex, being in love with a toxic ex and wanting to be spanked

‘HOLAA in a Hot Spot. Answering all your burning questions so life doesn’t show you flames.’ To submit your question click here.

Dear HOLAA expert,

Before I got into this relationship that I have been in for about three months, I had not had sex for like nine months. When we first started the sex was good but recently it has been weird. My body feels strange when we touch and even when I am in the mood to do it, it doesn’t feel good. I am not sure what is wrong with me.

Romancing and sexually confused, Kenya

Dear Romancing and sexually confused

I think first it is important to establish that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It is also important to pay attention to and listen to your body. Perhaps spend some time really reflecting and writing down how you feel when your partner touches you in certain ways and during certain stages of sex and different positions. Once you have established for yourself some of the reasons why the sex is making you uncomfortable you should have a conversation with your partner about it. It won’t be an easy conversation, especially because it is difficult to not hear ‘the problem is you’ during such talks. It is good and important to reassure your partner but it is equally important, if not more so, to honestly share what you are feeling.

Good luck!


Hey HOLAA in a Hot Spot,

I am in a dilemma. I am still in love with my toxic ex. I know they are not good for me and I cannot tell anyone how much I want to get back with her because everyone knows she is trash. The relationship was not good but there is a way I can be around here that makes me feel so free. I want to be with her but can’t tell anyone.

What should I do?

In Love With My Ex, Botswana

Dear In Love With My Ex,

I think you know, as well as I do, as well as all the people in your life do, that homegirl is not to be messed with. The fact that you know to hide this, and also that you admit it, lets me know that you already know the solution for your dilemma. I think the real issue is that you are not yet ready to fully accept this. Take your time, it’s ok. It’s OK to miss her. It’s ok to go back and forth (in your head!!) and to be unsure and to question even the existence of the world as a real thing. But we both know that you shouldn’t go back to her.

Chin up! The world will continue to spin delicious things your way even without her in your life.


Dear HOLAA hot spot,

I want to be spanked in bed. I brought it up to my partner and they seemed freaked out. I know spanking is just the beginning if what I want but now I am scared to ask for anything else. Problem is I feel like I need these things and I don’t know how long I will be able to hold out. What should I do? Should I cheat.

No Beaten Bums, Uganda

Dear Beaten Bums,

Do not cheat! I repeat do not cheat!

Shuu, now that, that’s out of the way we can get to the nitty gritties.

I think bring up the spanking, along with the feeling that it may eventually go past just spanking, with your partner again. Do it in a neutral environment. Maybe out on a dinner date or on a walk, but definitely not during the sex. Try to explain to your partner what spanking does for you sexually and why you may be interested in exploring BDSM in a bigger way. Do your research on BDSM (“BDSM is a variety of often erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other related interpersonal dynamics”) and the community and share this with her, it may help her to understand your gwan, but also maybe she’ll find something she may want to try too.

Communication and information are your friends here. And waiting longer to speak to her will only make it more difficult. Also stay tuned to HOLAA.org for an upcoming podcast on BDSM and kink 😉

Amanda and others are here to answer your questions on the podcast, videos or right here on the site so submit them here. For more about HOLAA in a Hot Spot click here.

Anything and everything I do comes from a place of blackness, queerness, feminism and most importantly love :) All round badass and lover of words, written and read. Check out Amanda on IG: manda_hodge
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