HOLAA in a Hot Spot: Advice on breaking up, polygamous lies and being over sex

HOLAA in a Hot Spot, advice, HOLAAfrica, HOLAA, ithongo musings

‘HOLAA in a Hot Spot. Answering all your burning questions so life doesn’t show you flames.’ To submit your question click here.

Hello HOLAA hot spot expert,

I have been in a relationship for a few years now (two and a half years to be exact) and I am…over it. It is not that I do not love my partner it is just we seem to be in different places.  Everything from the where we see ourselves in 5 years to what things we want in bed. I know that it is in the end but I have no idea how to make that final jump. How do I cut the cords and make the break up happen? I need to get out but I am too lazy/scared/stuck to do it.

Help!

Need To Be Single

Dear Need to be Single,

Let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time, a younger me was in a beautiful relationship with an incredibly beautiful person. I don’t mean beautiful in the conventional sense. My partner met ALL of my needs. She was well-read and taught me how to appreciate books, especially fiction. She was anti-white-cis-racist-capitalist-patriarchy. She had read all my favourite authors and was endlessly engaging in some of my favourite subjects.

But our relationship just wasn’t working out. There was no one to blame, we just weren’t compatible. We were at different points in our lives. She was going through a lot and I was going through big changes that made it difficult to fully be in the relationship. We had the conversation and as hard as it was, we made the decision to break up.

The moral of the story is that no one has to be “wrong” in order for a relationship to end. We often make the mistake of thinking that in order for use to leave a relationship we have to have a “legitimate” reason. By legitimate I mean we often assume there must be trust broken or one of us has to behave in the most unacceptable ways possible.

The truth is much more subtle. Break-ups happen for a number of reasons and all those reasons are legitimate and valid. You deserve to seek happiness and love with someone who resonates with your journey. And your partner deserves someone who will love her for who she is right now, someone who will validate her experience right now. You owe it to both yourself and her to give each other permission to seek happiness elsewhere.

***

Dear HOLAA Hot Spot wise person,

I just found out that my partner of 18 months is engaged to someone else. I found out in a wedding announcement in our local paper. She had told me she was single and that the man was her cousin. I am heart broken. She has said that we can still be together, it is only she will now be living with a new roommate after the wedding. She has assured me that we are still a couple and in love. I want to believe her.

Should I consider being in this polygamous relationship?

Kind regards,

Potentially Polygamous

Dear Potentially Polygamous,

RUN!! Run as fast as you can and never look back!

Although I am a poly-positive person and in different circumstances I would say a polyamorous relationship is possible. This situation is not one of those circumstances.

Your partner completely lied to you and violated your trust. I do not believe a poly relationship can be built from this circumstance. Polyamorous/polygamous relationships – even at a cultural level – are built on trust and consent. All the facts you have presented show the complete opposite.

Your partner told a multiplicity of lies. She lied that she was single, she was not honest about who she was having sex with nor has she been honest about her marriage. Neither did she intend to inform you of her marriage. I do not think it is possible to continue or build a new relationship with someone who seems to have a long distance relationship with honesty.

I do think you need to refocus on yourself take time to recover from this relationship. Should you want or be open to being in a poly relationship, you can make this decision when you enter into a new relationship.

***

Good day HOLAA Hot Spot,

I cannot stand sex with my girlfriend. I cannot. Every time we have sex either I fake orgasms to make it end quicker or I try and make up an excuse so as to not have sex. I am fast fast running out of excuses and I think my partner is getting frustrated but I just… can’t. How do I tell my girlfriend I do not want to have sex?

Thanks,

Sexing and Over It

Dear Sexing and Over it,

The short answer to your question is to literally just tell your partner you do not want to have sex. However, because you’re in a relationship, I would assume a much more thoughtful conversation will needed in order to ensure your girlfriend is not left feeling inadequate and/or rejected.

Not wanting to have sex is a completely valid feeling that should be honoured and respected. However you might want to find out what is causing your lack of desire. Is the sex bad, is your partner not meeting your sexual needs thus making sex for you a difficult experience? Or perhaps you’re asexual?

Asexuality is often neglected in the LGBTIA community. This is partly because in the sex driven world we occupy people who have no sexual desire or have sexual desire in particular intimate contexts are erased and thought anomalies.

Start by figuring out what is going on with your body in order to bring up the conversation with your partner in a manner that makes both of you feel heard and validated in the conversation.

MaThoko and others are here to answer your questions on the podcast, videos or right here on the site so submit them here. For more about HOLAA in a Hot Spot click here.

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MaThokopostbox is a space created for Black South African Queers to hold their experiences. It is a digital continuation of the safe space created by Thokozile Khumalo, affectionately known as MaThoko. In honoring Queer radical resistance, MaThokospostbox hopes to continue the work of building Queer solidarity and networks of support for Black Queers across the African continent.
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