HOLAA in a Hot Spot: Exposing poly tendencies, STIs and cheating and potentially being HIV+

HOLAA in a Hot Spot, advice, HOLAAfrica, HOLAA, ithongo musings

‘HOLAA in a Hot Spot. Answering all your burning questions so life doesn’t show you flames.’ To submit your question click here.

Hello Hot Spot person,

I recently met a woman who I like but I do not think she will be open to my poly lifestyle. I want to bring it up to her but I think she won’t appreciate it, or appreciate that I already have a girlfriend. Should I just keep it under wraps or should I chance telling her and lose her?

Low key poly, South Africa

Dear LKP,SA,

Lets do a thought experiment. On the one hand what would happen if you told her the truth? She could reject your polyness outright and not want to be involved. In this situation you would have to deal with her rejection of you. Look I get it, rejection hurts particularly when you are being honest and open about a part of yourself. On the other hand, let’s say you lie to her. You build a relationship with her and along the line she finds out you have been seeing other people. That is cheating and dishonesty. You will lose her and she will be angry that you lied and violated her trust. Although in both instances you lose her, in the second you will lose her trust and she might never want to talk to you again.

Honesty and openness are important to the beginning of any relationship. It is important that you are always clear and open about your polyness. You deserve a person who will accept all your selves and she deserves someone who can give her what she wants in a relationship.

***

Dear HOLAA person,

I have recently found out I have an STI and I am in a monogamous relationship and haven’t slept with anyone else in over a year. How do I ask my partner if she caught something and more importantly where she caught it?

Thanks in advance for your held,

Scratchy and sad, Namibia

Dear SAS,N,

I realise I am supposed to be supportive and non-judgemental but your partner is an asshole!! I am so sorry you are going through this. Not only are you going through a crisis of trust in your relationship but your partner has literally violated your body in the most egregious way!! To infect you with an STI means that not only has she been cheating on you but she failed to have safe sex and has placed you in a vulnerable position.

Although I do not believe the transmission of STI’s should be criminalised as it results in people not wanting to disclose for fear of criminal prosecution, it is important that people are ethical and open in their sexual relationships. Your partner has endangered your health and potentially your life. In my opinion this is a form of abuse as it negates your ability to consent and ENDANGERS YOUR LIFE!

I would advise you break up with her but also tell her you have an STI because of her actions and demand that she be accountable for what she has done. If she financially can, make her pay for any medical services you require. She has violated your trust and also assaulted your body – I use the word assault intentionally here.  I do hope that you are able to access medical services as soon as possible and that your STI is not a lifelong issue and is treatable.

***

Hello HOLAA!,

My partner’s mother is HIV positive and has been since before she was born. I recently learned this and since then I have been worried and anxious to have the conversation with her about it. How to ask my partner if she is also HIV positive?

Thank you for your help,

Very Anxious, South Africa

Dear VA,SA,

First I would like you to do some research on HIV/AIDs and the ways in which it can be transmitted. Right now, I do think that your anxiety might be coming from a place of misinformation and stigma. Even though I do think that the probability that your partner is HIV positive is low, your concern is legitimate.

On the one hand mother to child transmission is a possibility and this might be information you need to have. On the other hand if your partner is HIV positive she’d probably have told you as her mother seems to be open and honest about her status and I am certain a person who is open would teach their child to be equally open, particularly to their partners.

I do think your concern has some validity but you need to first inform yourself about HIV/AIDs and the ways in which it can be transmitted, managed and how people live with it. If you come from a place of misinformation you might end up offending your partner and inevitably losing her.

Ma Thoko and others are here to answer your questions on the podcast, videos or right here on the site so submit them here. For more about HOLAA in a Hot Spot click here.

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MaThokopostbox is a space created for Black South African Queers to hold their experiences. It is a digital continuation of the safe space created by Thokozile Khumalo, affectionately known as MaThoko. In honoring Queer radical resistance, MaThokospostbox hopes to continue the work of building Queer solidarity and networks of support for Black Queers across the African continent.
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