HOLAA in a Hot Spot: figuring out ‘the sex things’, wanting to hook up with a room mate and being queer in Kenya

HOLAA in a Hot Spot, advice, HOLAAfrica, HOLAA, ithongo musings

‘HOLAA in a Hot Spot. Answering all your burning questions so life doesn’t show you flames.’ To submit your question click here.

Dear HOLAA expert,

Before I got into this relationship that I have been in for about three months, I had not had sex for around nine months. When we first started, the sex was good but recently it has been weird. My body feels strange when we touch and even when I am in the mood to do it, it doesn’t feel good. I am not sure what is wrong with me.

Romancing and sexually confused

Dear RASC,

Having sex is such a difficult thing because every experience with a new person is exactly that “a new experience”. This is why talking about how you like experiencing sex with a new partner is important. In order to help you figure out what is going on I would say begin having the conversation with yourself about how you like your sex. What things do you like and do not like. Try and remember what happened prior to you feeling “weird”, sex is as much a psychological experience as it is a physical experience. Are you stressed, depressed or going through an experience in your life that is inhibiting your ability to feel comfortable experiencing sex?

Have you spoken to your partner about what turns you on and what definitely turns you off? With my last partner we spoke about everything about how we enjoyed sex, what were our insecurities and things we needed affirmed during sex. For example I do not like having my ass sexualised. It makes me feel objectified but also my ass is – literally – a huge sexually arousing area when touched with affirming consent. I realised that in order for me to enjoy my partner’s sexualising attraction to my ass I had to be affirmed by her in other ways outside the bedroom.

Your issue might also be medical, so I would advise that you see a doctor just to make sure everything is working as it should physiologically. Now I understand that accessing medical services can be expensive and extremely violating for some Queer persons. If you are unable to access medical services I would advise that you do a lot of research, try and search for specific issues and see what you get. Be careful you don’t go into a google wormhole where you end up self-diagnosing yourself with cancer or some other terminal illness.

***

Dear HOLAA Hotspot,

I am crushing on my roommate. I am so attracted to her, like I can’t even deal with her boobs, they are killing me. She is giving a little of the green light but should I make advances first? Should I wait or make a move?

Living in confusion

Dear LIC,

Crushing on someone whose sexuality you’re not sure about can be difficult. I would advise you tread carefully. If you are in an environment where your sexuality is not accepted, you might be leading yourself into an unsafe and probably violent space.

Should you feel you are in a safe enough space to approach your roommate I would say go for it! However, a word of caution. I want you to be very clear about what you want from your roommate and what they want from you. The only way to figure out what is going on between the two of you is to talk about it. Ask her if she’s into you and what she would like? Importantly figure what you want and whether you would be okay if she did not feel the same. Your situation could either turn out painfully awkward or become and amazing arrangement for both of you.

Sex can be amazing when there are clear boundaries and clarity around expectations. Obviously that is not a guarantee that things will go smoothly between the two of you but boundaries will enable both of you to set expectations and hold each other accountable to them.

***

HOLAA person,

I am a homosexual with homophobic tendencies. I hate the fact that I am queer. I am a Christian and I do not believe in these things and I think I need help to deal with it. I have tried prayer and dating men but nothing works. What must I do?

Queer and hating it, Kenya

Dear QAHA,K ,

You seem to have tried everything besides accepting your Queerness. Look I understand coming out to yourself often means questioning life long held beliefs and that can be a difficult process.

I would advise you start reading outside of the bible. Try and begin reaching out to the Queer community through organisations around you. But first I would like for you to challenge yourself and begin examining what are the deeply held beliefs about being Queer that you need to seek answers to. Write them down and attempt finding responses that will challenge those beliefs.

Importantly, find representation which will help you see how incredibly beautiful and humxn your are. I would say begin watching affirming Black Queer content that will begin to gently challenge some of your deeply held prejudices about what it means to be Queer. Youtube has plenty of docu-series that are affirming such as The Peculiar Kind https://www.youtube.com/user/ThePeculiarKind and google affirming content on being Christian and Queer (yes Queer Christians exist and they’re the most amazing humxns you will ever meet).

Lastly, be kind to yourself, you’re learning, you’re becoming and coming into yourself. It will be a long and hard journey. I want to thank you for reaching out and asking. This is an important step towards accepting yourself.

Importantly remember you are loved, you are worthy of love and you are valuable.

Ma Thoko and others are here to answer your questions on the podcast, videos or right here on the site so submit them here. For more about HOLAA in a Hot Spot click here.

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MaThokopostbox is a space created for Black South African Queers to hold their experiences. It is a digital continuation of the safe space created by Thokozile Khumalo, affectionately known as MaThoko. In honoring Queer radical resistance, MaThokospostbox hopes to continue the work of building Queer solidarity and networks of support for Black Queers across the African continent.
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