Getting over exes: On finding unexpected closure

HOLAAfrica, HOLAA, queer, LGBTI

08:28 pm

I’m listening to perfect strangers by Lil Wayne as I write this and all I am asking myself is:

‘do people really get over the ones they loved or do they move on to better people who treat them the way they ought to be treated and love the former from afar?’

All this has my mind taking me back to a few days ago.

We sit together, looking at each other. Well, her looking at me while I am acting like my phone has every ounce of my attention until she takes it away from me, making me, finally, look at her.

This is my healthy way of not dealing with things and she knows it. She asks me how I’ve been and I say ‘okay’. What she’s really asking is how I’ve been because she knows I am okay and I say I’ve been sick. She replies that this doesn’t surprise her anymore because I am always sick. I laugh. This laughter comes deep from my belly and for once, it’s genuine and my heart isn’t beating erratically. I am here and this feels normal. Free.

She joins me because she can be goofy af and for once I realize how young she is. Just like me, she is trying to find her place in the universe.

It’s like the night stands still and I am neither wanting it to go fast nor have it frozen because this is one of those moments that is for life. I just want to live and write about it later on so I find myself taking in the time  and everything in it. Something I call an “intergalactical love connection”.

On my way home, I am in awe.

There is a deep sense of sadness and confusion as I say goodbye and soon, I get lost in my head for the umpteenth time that day, listening to Lil Wayne’s Dark side of moon and telling myself we are both in a better place. Now, I finally get the courage to say it without sounding juvenile or like some awestruck lover.

“We still care about each other deeply and shit happened and life moves on.”

I expect a pain, sharp and strong, to cut through me but instead, it’s a deep sense of calm that engulfs me. Almost melancholic in it’s eeriness.

Funny how closure comes to us in different ways.

I am at peace with myself. With her. With whatever we had that failed. With our 22 year old selves for expecting more from each other. I am at peace with the world for letting me know that not everyone will love me for who I am or what I bring to the table or how smart my brain is or how I have an amazing sense of humor and that is going to be okay.

*Cues Ed Sheeran’s Photograph in the background*

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"Wanna get naked with me sometime? " Is my commonly used, super lame pick up line. Catch me on Facebook: Afrika, Twitter: @NyarAfrika and Instagram: @bookaholic_hoe
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