Efua’s journal: diary entry, 12/5
I have feelings for Zoya
I am not a lesbian
I cant stop thinking about her
I cannot stop thinking abut Zoya. Today she baked a cake and asked me to have a taste and give my verdict. She cut a piece and put in my mouth. I wanted to lick her fingers. I wanted to kiss her silly and tell her to be with me, whatever that meant. Instead I laughed like a dying hyena and gave her two thumbs up.
I am such a fool.
I have become more frustrated with the passing of time. Zoya seems to be doing so well. She has her life under control. Her painting won an award as part of an exhibition and she is staying over at Ajani’s for a party. I too wanted to go to the party but I am pretty sure Dr. Karim had hinted on another surprise test.
I try not let my mind wander to the images I have of her dancing with some random guy or her under the weight of one.
I feel nauseated.
I decided today to show Zoya I could also be with a boy so I invited Clarence over to hang out. I realize now how ironic that must sound but he was the only one available. Every other guy was buried deep in their books. Which is something I should have done instead of acting like a child.
Zoya seemed unfazed by his presence in my room. She even offered to cook. Damn her.
Clarence who assumed ‘hang out’ meant ‘booty call’ made a move. I let him kiss me and fondle my breasts . I felt nothing. When I got tired of his groaning and moaning as he licked my neck I shut the farce down asking him to leave. I felt so sorry for him. And for myself.
First morning entry, Zoya’s room
I snapped last night somewhere between watching Dr. House ridicule his subordinates and Cuddy chastising him. I knew I just had to say something. I shut down my laptop and headed for Zoya’s room. Her room smelled just like her.
Wild. Sweet. Intoxicating.
The decorations too reflected her uniqueness and her artistic personality. All these little things strengthened my resolve to tell her the truth. She took off her headphones, adjusted herself on the bed and waited for me to explain why I had stormed into her room.
I cannot remember what I said but it could have been something like this ”I’m sorry about how I reacted when you kissed me. I want you to kiss me. A lot. I know this may sound crazy but I freaked out because I didn’t want to get hurt like I was before. You are an incredible person Zoya and no matter how hard I try to bury my feelings for you they just will not stay down.”
Something like that. Probably something less articulate.
I do remember being afraid though as I stared into her oval eyes waiting for her to say ”Efua girl, I got mighty love for you, no homo” or for her to throw up on my feet. No it was me who wanted to throw up on her. My nerves were wound up so tight I could barely breathe.
She stood up, touched the tips of my newly braided hair and smiled. ”I’m sorry too.” she said, ”I too did not want to get hurt again by telling you how I felt. Trust me I know all about the pain that comes with all of this. But since you brought it up I’m going to kiss you and don’t you dare stop me.”
I did not.
I’d like to think that I know a greater part of who I am now. I have accepted the fact that I cannot change. Pretending to be something I am not would be just downright ugly. I am in love with Zoya and is that such a bad thing?
I know right now we cannot share what we have with the world. Maybe one day we too will say the brave words, that ‘we are for anybody confused or in doubt, homosexuals. Gay and quite happy.’ But until then we will be in that metaphorical closet together, side by side, until we find the courage to step out of it.
This forms part of a series of journal entries. Make sure you catch the whole series with #EfuasJournal
For more posts like this check out this one on why the closet is not your friend and this one on the pressure of one half of a couple being closeted. There is also a guide on how to come out later in life and coming out in general (if you want to). Speaking about that sleeping with men steeze there is So I let A Guy Fuck Me and also I am tired of Bad Sex. Also this post about freaking out about being attracted to a girl.
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