You enter me as I resign the borders of my mind,
Taking me to worlds I have yet to create,
I don’t know you but your touch is a necessary evil,
At the tips of your fingers lie the confines of my un-reality.
Take me there.
What does it mean to surrender myself to you?
To allow submission to liberate me from Self,
What does it mean to be devoured by you?
Piece into peace,
One mouthful at a time.
I fragment in your presence,
Become a figure in a dreamscape,
Molten yet whole.
You are a necessary evil.
The light in me craves your darkness.
Both broken and breaking,
I cannibalize myself to you.
Allow you to take me,
Breaking and broken,
But yours to devour.
I’ve always known you.
You have been the one constant through all the lovers who have left and the men who tried to find meaning through my body.
There is something about you that I cannot shake and I no longer want to.
Where do you reside and what are you?
My body needs you and calls for you from the depths of my unconsciousness.
I don’t know when you became stronger.
Was it when I realized that I was a witch or when I promised myself that I would no longer allow my carnal desires to rule my living world?
Either way, you grew and I came to need you.
I crave something that I am neither able to possess nor understand,
all I know is that I can sense you when the heat between my legs rises and I fail to remain present in the living world.
Instead falling into your fourth dimension, eyes rolled back and my breaths just so.
I remember the first time I encountered you.
It was some years ago and I was just beginning to step into my womanhood.
My breasts were budding, you the kind that have not been touched, and I had decided to take a nap after a frolic in the Zambezi.
The ancients say that innocents should be careful of water lest water spirits possess them but something drew (and draws) me to your Kingdom.
It may be your power or my curiosity.
Either way I become nothing but matter in your depths,
Your Queen and you my Quing.
You’ve come to me in the form of a woman.
Full breasted, rounded hips and soft to the touch.
Volatile and dangerous.
Yet you possess something beyond femininity.
I can still remember the salty taste on your lips and how you plunged yourself into me without reservation.
My body yielded then, as it does now, and I awoke damp between my legs and with a new found secret desire.
From that point on, nothing could protect me from you.
Not even the beaded rosary Gogo gave me.
I would clutch at it every night in the hopes that the Christ would stop my desires and allow me to be free from you.
I’ve tried everything to banish you.
Rituals, smoke, prayer, incense, fasting.
Healers and warlocks have recoiled from your power.
I’ve contorted into animalistic forms at the beat of the drum and dull hum of the mbira
All in the hopes that you would not find me,
But the harder I danced the more your spirit would come over me.
Man, to woman, to man, to both, to neither, to all
But the living hold no promise.
It is in you that I find my refuge.
Lovers have tried (and failed) to consume my body,
Consummating lust and feigning at love.
But as I close my eyes, you bring fantasies of fingers, cocks, fists and tongues wrestling with my sex.
Bringing me to climax
And destroying their hollow pleasures.
You’ve brought me to the edge of my sanity
Perverting me in delightful ways,
Then bringing me back again.
Only to draw me closer to the darkness within.
Showing me how to soar in secret places and take in pleasures with all of my senses.
This desire for you has become bloodlust
What must I sacrifice to join you in the land of the ever-living?
I ask all this as I take a blade to my wrists and in my fading consciousness, you appear,
“Hello my love, I’ve been waiting for you”, you say.
Originally Published on: I am Queen Nzinga