Black Sweat: Turn that Kitty’s purr into a Roar! – NSFW

By HOLAA! ed.

‘Has anyone facebooked me?’

‘I have too many brown shoes.’

‘The milk in the fridge smells funny…’

If these are the things that you think about during sex then you may, just may have a problem in the boudoir.  This must change.

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To quote Prince it is time to be ‘working up a black sweat’.

So here are a few things that may help and if the symptoms persist after this, it may be time to seek medical advice or move on.

Technology is Your Friend

Sext-ing:

This is a classic move. Say something as simple as ‘I’m wet right now and not wearing any knickers’ and BOOM! Done. Your lover will be ready to see you. Ready enough to brave peek traffic for a little taste.

There isn’t really a science to it, it just works. Maybe it’s the insertion of something so simply sexy into the mundane of everyday that makes it so deliciously dirty. All arousal starts in the mind and the added bit of tension created by being unable to immediately ease your desires is guaranteed to lead to an explosive evening of release.

For those of you who are too shy to write dirty texts, try going to the bathroom (or another private place) and snapping a sexy shot to send to your partner. Follow your naughty pic with a phrase like “I can’t wait to get you to my self tonight” and that should do the trick just as well , if not better, than a text.

Remember to keep it as erotic and kinky as you can. Sometimes we struggle to verbalize the things we would like to do face to face and a sext can be a pathway to verbalizing your fantasies and fetishes to your lover.

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Phone Sex:

This is sexting for the lazy (or extroverted depending on how you look at it). All you need is a speaker phone (to free your hands up), some lube, a good phone plan and voila! You can chat your way to a fiery climax. The bonus is that the sound of your partner huffing and puffing while they play with themselves gives your “self-love” session a little more heat and minimizes the strain on your imagination.

If you struggle with what to say when you’re engaging in phone sex try getting literary- read some erotic material to your partner until you find your own voice. If erotica isn’t your thing then try being descriptive, say something like ” imagine me whirling my tongue on your collar bone” and see where it goes. It’s likely that once you get your confidence up your talk will be dirtier than an athlete’s jockstrap and we all love durrrty.

Bells and Whistles

Porn:

There is some really great Sapphic porn out there. No I’m not talking about those boooooring sequences with bored straight girls decked out with long nails, obviously fake moans and routinely timed stares into the camera that are toped off with their half open eyes and ajar jaws. I am talking about porn for women by women. Just search for it.

If you want to switch it up then don’t limit yourself to Queer Woman porn because more often than not, when tastefully done, all expressions of sexuality are quite intriguing and they could get you quite excited.

Give it a try. It may serve as good background or teach you a few things.

Lotions and Potions:

There is nothing more sensual ( or deliciously maddening ) than touching for touching’s sake. So break out the sweet smelling oils and give your partner a good rub. Yep. That’s it. Just a rub. Put your hands on every inch of her body and when you’re done make sure it has been rubbed and loved and left glistening.Take the time to enjoy the feel of someone’s skin and the intimacy that getting to know their body with your hands brings.

There is an array of options available: massage oils, lubricants, baby oil and also funktified products that go by names like: ‘Orgasm Enhancing Gel’ apparently all you need is two drops on your clitoris and you’re guaranteed to climax, its and orgasm in a box…or so they say.

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If your budget is a little too tight to go out and purchase a whole range of oils then try this:

  • Grab a jar of any oil in your kitchen ( be it olive, canola, sunflower or grape)
  • Decide on which plant or herb you would like to add ( it could be thyme, rosemary, lavender, mint, lemongrass or rose petals)
  • Crush that herb or plant just enough to release the scent and place a decent amount into a re-sealable jar – remember that stalks hardly ever smell awesome so leave those out if you can.
  • Cover the jar with a muslin cloth or cling wrap and leave to sit for a day or so.
  • Strain the oil removing any plant bits and/ or impurities and repeat the process above as many times as you will need to in order to get the right smell and/ or colour.

If it burns STOP USING IT. That’s just proper etiquette.

Fun with Food:

You know when they say part of the taste is in the presentation? Well, what better presentation is there then a naked body? What better plate is there than someone’s stomach or a pair of beautiful breasts? If 40% of taste lies in the presentation, food just got a whole lot tastier and so did your shagging sessions!

Try some whipped cream, chocolate body paint, fruits or sushi (for those big ballers out there). Avoid rice, pap/ugali/fou fou/ sadza and anything else with spices, chilli or sauce. Once they get into the wrong places those things just aren’t sexy. Also try laying a sheet on the floor so you don’t stress too much about getting things dirty, your full attention has to be on the task at hand.

Sex Toys:

These need to be chosen very carefully. The big black mandingo- type dildo isn’t for everyone so you need to communicate with your parter and find out what it is that they are comfortable with. If you have access to toys try the assortment – after all sex is playtime for adults.

There are clit ticklers, nipple clamps, butt plugs, vibrating eggs, g-spot massagers, things that go deep, dildos, dongs and even hand shaped devices. Basically there are lots of sex toys one can choose from and they  all do different things. Some stimulate you down there by stretching you out a little bit, tickling you or whirling round and round; while others are aimed at other parts of your body.Choose what works for you but remember be creative with where and how you use your toys. Some of the best fun I have had with my lover started when brushing our teeth in the shower turned into having the vibrating bit of an electrical toothbrush running down my spine while exchanging deep and passionate kisses.

Also whatever you do keep your toys clean by using condoms (when applicable), washing them thoroughly after use and storing them in clean dry places.

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Location Location Location

Have Sex in Public:

The more discreet it has to be to prevent you from getting caught the better. Try the bathroom at the club or under a blanket after a wine-fuelled picnic at the park…heck join the “Mile High Club”. As long as there is some chance of being caught there is something that gets…heightened. Call it adrenalin if you will but everything is that much more sensual. Obviously don’t go into a church during Sunday Mass and decide that now is the time to see if you can ‘cum silently’. God is watching you.

Also use your common sense, there is nothing more embarrassing than being caught with your pants down, literally, and having to explain exactly why it is you have a criminal record for public indecency to your family members, friends and colleagues.

Note: if you live in a seriously homophobic area maybe be EXTRA safe. Don’t risk it for the biscuit in this case. You could have that same edge by having sex in your home with your lights on and the curtains open- the possibility of a peeping tom is enough to get your blood boiling while still being safe.

Vanity is Thy Name:

While we are on the subject of exhibitionism we may as well throw in watching you and yours get it on. You could make a home movie (almost every laptop and cellphone comes with a built in camera these days) or make love in front of a