A Word to My Bois: Consent Is Sexy… And Required
Last week I was hanging out in a black lesbian social group on Facebook. Although I identify as black & queer, I was raised and groomed by black lesbians, so these spaces mean a lot to me. I currently live in the Bay Area and work in San Francisco where the population of Black folks has dropped to 6 percent. I can literally go days without seeing a black person at my place of employment. Let alone queer and black. Therefore, I value black lesbian spaces and the need for them online. I often see questions in the group chat such as: “Can a stud date another stud?” or “How many people in the group are over 35? Drop a picture.” or “Red or Blue pill?”
You get the point.
However, this time I came across a question about consent, and the responses instantly put up red flags for me. A person who identifies as a stud posted the following to the group chat:
Many black lesbian women in the group gave their confirmation that this woman’s body was up for grabs. For this story we will name the stud that prompted this question “Shaun”. This is my response to Shaun and other bois who are struggling to understand consent.
It is important to treat everyone’s body with respect and love, especially your partner. Being in a relationship with a beautiful person doesn’t mean that sex or intimacy is automatic without your partners consent. Commitment is not ownership, commitment is partnership established by consent and boundaries set up by the people in that relationship. Your girlfriends body may be set up to look like a delicious meal, however like any restaurant with fine dining you need to make a reservation or wait until you are able to be seated.
In the future, when lying with a baddy with a fatty, simply ask her if she would like a massage. If she gives consent to the massage take it slow and whisper in her ear for permission to rub each spot on her body. Each yes is one green light closer to the ultimate goal, but don’t be alarmed or taken aback by any red lights. You aren’t asking where you can touch her as a game, but rather an opportunity to get to know her, her body, and establish boundaries. Consent can be so sexy and open up so many doors to take your intimacy and love to a higher frequency.
Here are some quotes that have really supported my re-education about consent:
Consent should be mutually agreed upon: with a clear understanding of what is being asked for and consented to. If you want to move to the next level of sexual intimacy – ask first.
Consent must never be assumed or implied, even if you’re in a relationship. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean that you always have consent to have sex with your partner. Intimate partner rape, date rape and acquaintance rape are the most common forms of rape.
For more about consent in intimate queer women’s relationships here is a piece about consent and a consent flowchart. There is also this piece on Everyday Feminism about how a woman raped another woman and no one cared. There is also another piece on how to support a victim of woman on woman sexual assault. We have some piece in the Queering The Cloak series about sexual assault between two women such as this one about a rape in lesbian queer feminist spaces and this one about why need to speak about rape in queer women’s spaces.
Check out this video about consent on our YouTube page.
We also had a Twitter conversation about it.
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