A Letter You Won’t Read

One day I’ll be going through my phone, and I’ll stumble on this and laugh. I’ll take a screenshot and send it to you. And we will laugh about it the same way we laughed about the coordinates.

Or

I’ll find it and laugh. Remember the coordinates. Remember the aardvarks. And the memories will not be tinged by the sepia toned filter of loss. Chords of pain will not tug at my heart. I’ll be fine.

I don’t know how much of you I romanticized in your time away.

It all happened so fast, I wasn’t thinking. We slipped into conversation like past lovers. It was funny, it was warm, it was comfortable like slipping into fuzzy slippers. I am not sure how appealing that sounds, but it was everything.

I wanted to tell you everything, I wanted to share everything. So, when we weren’t texting, I was busy thinking of things to tell you. I was busy drafting texts that I would send to you. Busy crafting questions that I would pose to you.

Meeting you felt like meeting an old friend, only with butterflies in my stomach. I thought, I don’t know what she sees in me because I have never seen anyone so beautiful. I didn’t want to cook, I didn’t want to eat. I wanted to sit there and stare at you. And it was enough. Sitting there, playing games…it was enough.

I wish I remember more from those two nights. Night 2, lying in each other’s arms. Talking about nothing and everything. Making plans.

It died just as fast as it begun. I didn’t want to stroke an uncertain fire. I rarely think of you nowadays.

But I saw the date and tomorrow is your birthday. And well for some reason, here I am, writing a letter you won’t read. And I don’t know what I hope to achieve.

In my fantasies, I dream of a taller you. Which I guess is sad. I guess I am not as over you as I think I am.

What’s sadder is, I am still not certain how much of this I romanticized. Maybe it never happened for you how it happened for me.

I guess I should be happy it even happened.

There’s no point saying happy birthday because it’s not like you’ll ever read this…

I’ll go now…before I have second thoughts and find a way to send this.

Wherever you are, I hope you are happy.

Sincerely,

E.

If you would also like to guest post on Kenyan Baby Dyke, you can mail her at babydykeke@gmail.com

Also check out A Love Note to Zan, In Remembrance: A love letter to our Time Together, Letter to my Queer Self, Letter to my ex

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Attractive queer person keen on creating content. Kenyan born. Check them out on twitter @kenyanbabydyke
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