I had a crush on a girl when I was about 13. I thought it was normal, I didn’t see anything wrong in it. I would sit on her lap in class and we would hug for long periods of time.. Sometimes she would sit on a desk and I would part her legs and just stand in the space between. It felt so normal and I’d fantasize about kissing her all night long. All these felt so normal for me.
Time moved on and we parted ways. I joined a fellowship, became a devout Christian, suppressed all my urges for girls until I turned later in my teens.
Let’s call her Zee.
Zee was the only girl in my entire life whom I had ever come out to about my feelings, I did this when I was 17. We met online, I have no idea how she even knew I liked girls, I felt I had never given any indication that I did. We talked about lesbians, we talked about her life and with that I was hooked on her. Even if the feelings weren’t 100% mutual I still had wild butterflies in my belly for her. When she told me she was coming back into the country, I was was excited and I worked my ass off to save so I could travel to go and see her.
I wanted her to be my first. I had never been with anyone before. I didn’t fancy boy but I didn’t accept I liked girls, and I was trying to be cool with God. All this was why I had never been with anyone.
But Zee? I wanted to hold her close to my naked body and feel her nipples on my skin. I dreamed of kissing her lips while my hands and fingers found their way from her breasts down her body to her thighs, teasing her wetness and her clit. In my mind my lips would nibble on the lobes of her ears. I would whisper sweet words speaking about how much I needed her and always wanted her to be my first, about how I wanted us to be together. My kisses would leave a trace down from her neck, straight down to her navel. I thought of how I would deny myself from tasting her big fair breasts. I wanted her to sit on my face while my tongue fucked her wet pussy. The thoughts of the sound of her moans turned me on.
All these thoughts were in my head as I travelled to go see Zee. I saw her just once and, because I was still 18, the relatives I was visiting said I could not spend the night and, gosh, was I pained.
So there I was, I had fallen so madly in love (and maybe lust) with a girl for the first time — and she knew. After a long struggle, I had accepted for the first time in my life that I wanted to be with girls. Apart from wanting to have sex with her, I really loved her for who she was, for how much she listened to me. I loved her for telling me my sexuality didn’t define who I was. I still love and want her, even though we have grown apart don’t speak so much any more.
It’s been a year now and I’m still trying to get over her. Penises now turn me on (in a way), but so do boobs and vaginas.
I met a man who asked if I was a tomboy, then he said to me, don’t let a girl lick you there. Let a guy put his rod in there okay? Don’t be like them.
And when I asked if all tomboys were lesbians, he told me he’d traveled far and wide and so knew what he was saying.
I’m getting so comfortable in my skin, I’m too comfortable in my jeans, t-shirt and sneakers. My androgynous tomboy style doesn’t seem to be a passing phase, in fact, it seems to be getting more intense.
But sometimes my life gets me scared.
Sometimes I don’t want to go to church. I wonder if I loved God so much, why would he let me like girls if he says it’s wrong. I get scared my family would soon figure out my sexual preference. Too many times I want to love a girl and make love to her, and I want someone to talk to about my fears.
Other days I just wonder, so what if I’m a lesbian? Life still goes on, right?
For more stories about coming out check out this tiny guide on how to do it or this post about Coming Out in Ethiopia. There is a piece on coming out as STEM and another about coming out later in life. Here is a piece about how the closet is not your friend. For that sexy vibe check out Heat in a Head Space, Four Women One Continent and this little one about Reuniting with a lover.
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