Just when I thought my life was a boat smooth sailing it across a calm serene ocean this storm blows in.
Should I have expected it? I think I should have. The signs were there. Her subtle glances, the way she put her arms around me in certain situations. One time she licked some ice cream off the corner of my lips and joked about kissing me. Also when asked by Ajani which celebrity she would like to date she had said Riri without blinking. Not ‘female celebrity’, just celebrity.
This is all so confusing. What does this mean for our friendship? I should explain.
Today I returned to the apartment a little later than I expected (no thanks to Dr. Karim) and found Zoya in the living room watching a movie with a bowl of mixed biscuits on her lap. She had invited me to join her and, after taking a shower, I did. Halfway into the movie, her hand fell on my thigh. I only wanted to glance at her in reaction but somehow my eyes caught hers and would not let go.
Without warning she leaned in and kissed me full on the mouth. I froze. She backed away and apologized. Before I could say anything she kissed me again. This time I responded. It had thrilled me to know that I wanted her and she wanted me just as much. Her lips on mine felt so right. So so right. When her fingers slipped in between my thighs, it finally dawned on me what was happening. I wanted her to stop. I wanted her to kiss me so badly. I wanted her to stop. I wanted her to never stop.
When she began to unbutton my shirt I was suddenly terrified. But should not have been afraid. Zoya was there, she was perfect and she really wanted me. I could see it in her eyes. Without a word I pulled away from her embrace and ran to my room shutting the door behind me.
Part of me wanted to go back and finish what we started but the other part asked myself very practical questions.
What if she’s just playing with you like Ana did? What if she has a secret boyfriend? Why are you doing this? Are you truly a lesbian? Say you two figure out whatever that was you think you can end up together? What if you get caught?
Like I said, practical questions. So here I am locked up in my room and writing all this instead of dealing with the situation in a mature way. I really do not know who I am anymore but I sure know I am a coward.
This morning I tried to sneak out of the apartment and avoid Zoya and she caught me as I was about to step out the front door. The dreaded talk happened but it was not what I had expected. She simply apologized for her ‘irrational behavior’ and promised to control her urges.
I was relieved. It is for the best after all. What can come out from us giving into our desires? Nothing good. Throughout the day it seemed the universe was giving me signs to let me know I was heading in right direction. First were the posts on Facebook about LGBT rights and the hateful comments that followed. It seemed that a greater percentage of the world is deeply set against it. Hard to not join the crowd.
Next were the arguments in the lab before the biochemistry professor came in. Pamela who was known as ‘Miss Feminist’ argued in favor of LGBT rights while everyone else, especially Clarence, our coordinator opposed them, vehemently.
”Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit,” Clarence had said in retort to Pamela’s counter points. ”It’s just disgusting. Nature says it’s gotta be a man and woman doing it not man and man or woman and woman.” I nodded, feeling normal already.
”As humans we have a right to our bodies and to love whomever we choose,” Pamela replied not wavering in her opinion. The argument was soon broken up by the professor’s entrance to the lab. Pamela’s last words echoed in my head all day until I got to the apartment to find Zoya nestled in the arms of a guy I did not recognize.
The pain came fast and it came hard. I was right after all. She had just been toying with me. I might have cried afterwards. I don’t know.
I do know. I did cry. I cried.
As I cried I realized I had feelings for Zoya. It sounds insane but it is true. Once again I am standing on the brink of total breakdown. What am I to do?
This forms part of a series of journal entries. Make sure you catch the whole series with #EfuasJournal
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