This forms part of a series of journal entries. Make sure you catch the whole series with #EfuasJournal
A hellish pain that seemed to reach into my chest and slowly shred my heart was all I could feel as I watched Ana run into the arms of her boyfriend. ”Be happy for me” she had said with a grin she could not hide. It crushed me to say, ”of course I’m happy for you Ana”.
In some twisted way, I was happy she has gone to live with her boyfriend all the way across town.
Even though two years as roommates was good enough to solidify any friendship, two years of pining over her was not enough to drum it into my clouded brain that whatever I wanted to happen would never happen. Who was I kidding anyway? Only myself.
I did try to fight it. I had sex with that guy from Aisha’s birthday party. I cannot remember his name. I’ll just call him ‘six pack’, because he had a awesome six pack. The sex had been good. Not really. I had felt nothing. But that does not mean I will never have great sex with a guy. Six pack was just bad at it.
I want to say I blame Ana. That she caused all this. I want to blame it all on that seemingly playful kiss that threw my entire sense of self into disarray. That kiss that made me ask myself who I really was and what I truly wanted. Still, I cannot blame her. I am sure it is all a phase. A phase that lasted two years of which I am certain is now definitely over.
You will not sit around in Ana’s empty room and mope. You will stop eating all your study snacks and fight the urge to binge listen to Taylor Swift. You need to concentrate on your academics. That 4.5 G.P.A is not going to maintain itself.
I feel better already.
Good pep talk.
Another pop quiz from none other than Dr. Karim. The man does not understand the concept of slowing down and taking a breather. Still, I aced the quiz. I feel things are finally coming together for me. Focusing on my studies is helping more than I thought it would. My sights are set on the future. I am going to be one hell of a cardiothoracic surgeon.
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