A Bad Habit

By Chykychy

That’s what I’m calling it now. Nothing but a bad habit.

I subconsciously slap my wrist and harshly whisper to myself,

“Why won’t you just stop it Brenda!”

I did this in the same way a mother would to her naughty little son after she caught him sneaking a lick from the sugar tin.

I am 26-year-old African girl whose societal pressures, of marriage, an engagement, or at least the presence of a ‘steady boyfriend’ had started to hit hard.

What if I continue like this – with my ‘bad habit’ — and end up being a 30-year-old single woman who is no longer ‘eligible’ for the market.

My ideas and aspirations of a perfect relationship are based on ideas of dating the love of your life for 4 to 5 years, getting engaged, getting married shortly after, having kids etc. Yet here I was, deeply and emotionally involved with women while placing one of the sweetest men on earth on hold. All this whilst being 100% confused and trying to figure out how far ‘off-the-course’ I was.

This ‘habit’ begun to feel like a threat to my life. The fear I felt was similar to that of a protestant realizing their lifestyle choices may not get them a ticket into heaven.

I want to go to heaven.

I want this promised and perfectly painted “pure” life. I want to have children, more than one. I know I can be a good mother. I will be a good mother.

But the real question lies in how do I manage to be a good mother, with these bad habits? How do I get the promised life with a bad habit?

“Is it a bad habit?” I ask myself.

Tears slowly run down my face because I don’t have the answers. Not to that question at least.

Does a bad habit make you feel love for the first time? Does it make you understand love? Am I subconsciously and seamlessly performing love tasks for her because of this bad habit? I wonder yet still whether it is this same bad habit, that has me wanting to love her daily, through her ups and downs, bring her the world if I could.

I slap my hand again, but this time it was a friendly slap, a slap that the teenage girl gives her suitor on their first few dates.

A bad habit indeed.

We have a series called Brown, Queer and Wedded about two queer women who married and navigating that reality.

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