I didn’t know…

By HomoSenegalensis

It’s been over a month and my soul still hurts the same. They say it takes time to get over things like this. I had naively hoped that it would get easier after a month. But I didn’t know. I didn’t know the pain would get worse with time. I didn’t know I would see parts of you in random strangers. I didn’t know I would hear you in my sister’s laugh at my corny jokes. Fragrances of our baths together followed me all the way to Dakar and made a home of my blue bathroom. I didn’t know one could smell memories of a love lost. How could I have known?

I didn’t know it would become excruciating to listen to the playlist I enjoyed so much this past summer. You left a note in my music book. “You will become an amazing guitarist. I am sure.” it said. The songs I took so much pleasure strumming for you are now painful to play.  When you suggested I name my guitar after you, I laughed. The idea was charming; a little narcissistic, but charming nonetheless. It would be a little memory of you, I had thought. I didn’t know then. How could I have known that picking up my guitar would become so hard?

I didn’t know I would dread the night and its darkness. I didn’t know anxiety, sadness and longing could have such a strong hold on the body and the mind. I didn’t know memories of you would keep me up so late. I didn’t know my body could produce so many tears. I have become really good at making crappy excuses for my puffy eyes. Jetlag. Not enough sleep. Too much sleep. Too much dust in the air. Allergies… My family? They don’t know. And I know I can’t tell them. But who would have thought that the urge to come out could become so strong?

I didn’t know my body would miss you so much. I didn’t know my backache would bring memories of your delicate hands softly massaging my pain away. I fall asleep with my arms wrapped around my body. It does not yet understand why your hands no longer caress my hips to sleep; why your lips no longer leave kisses in the nape of my neck. I don’t know how to explain your absence to my body. How could I have known that body parts could have memories of their own?

The first time I met you, I didn’t know I would fall in love with you. And when I did fall in love with you, I didn’t imagine separation would be so hard. I didn’t know my heart was so fragile. Now that I am left to pick up the shattered pieces of my grieving soul, thousands of kilometers away from you, I realize how naïve I had been. I didn’t know I would feel the need to apologize. For falling for you. And for letting you fall for me. I didn’t know love could not be simple. I didn’t realize our love could not be, until we were no longer. And for that, I am sorry.

I am not sure what difference it would have made if I had known all these things. I don’t know what I could have done differently. All I know is that I still love you and I hurt terribly. Every day, it becomes more and more obvious that there will be no more ‘us’. No more you and me. Just the painful memory of two souls who did not get to consume their love to satiety.

For the french version click here

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