By Ruth Achieng
The internet is slow today and I’m at work. I’m thinking about her, I’ve been thinking about her. We didn’t talk last night, I think it’s the first time ever that’s happened. Normally, I would fuss about it but I’m too tired. The past few days have been tough… depression symptoms here and there. It’s not as bad as it used to be but it still sucks.
She wasn’t as available as I would have liked her to be while I was going through the motions but it was alright, I understood that she had a life of her own away from me, a life that needed living. I don’t get it. From a young age, being the center of attention was never of importance to me, I wanted to be as one who was in the background as is humanly possible. However with her, I’ve turned into an attention dog. Not with everyone, just with her. I want her to be about me, just me, most of the time. Often she is but when she isn’t I notice and I can’t help but feel a little forlorn.
During the tough days, she had asked me what was wrong, several times, I told her nothing. I wished she had asked more, I wished she had insisted, been all up in my face about it. But she’s not the type, giving me space to “think” is what she feels is the best.
I don’t want space babe, I don’t need it.
I acted cold towards her. For some reason, I revel in negative feelings, feelings of despondence, misery and depression. I was well aware of how I was making her feel, she still loved me, I still made her feel worse. The way she tried to make me laugh, make me smile… typically, I would have but then I could not, again, bring myself to, I just wanted to wallow in my misery. I loved it.
Apparently, I love her too much.
Still going through the motions, I hadn’t been on Facebook in a really long while (more than two hours). I log in, the first thing I see on my news-feed is this beautiful human being, smiling at me. Yeah, she was definitely smiling at me. In that moment, my heart felt light, my body felt relaxed and I could think of nothing else but the feel of her hand, her skin, her lips on mine, her eyes and the way they stare back at me with so much love. I could only think of her laugh, her face, the way she walks, the way she talks, her existence. She had my heart, and the full weight of those words hit me in that split second. I love her.
I love her so much.
For other pieces about mental health check out this series and also this piece about losing a lover when you have depression. There is also this piece that looks at being queer and having a mental illness.
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