Pimping out my bisexuality: Confessions of tired brown bisexual

By a Tired Brown Bi Woman
I have felt compelled to write this after I have heard the phrase ‘when I visit you I want to eat a lesbian’ one too many times.

You want to eat a lesbian when you visit?

I’m sorry what? Would you like a side of fries with that? I mean does this look like a take away joint?

It would seem that with the popularity of bi-curiousity, all straight women who have a friend who does not exclusively sleep with men seem to think that said friend is some sort of pimp with a little black book full of women at their disposal who they can just assign at a moments notice.

It would seem that we should have some friend who is just waiting to fulfil your every fantasy and she is simply a message away. I have had friends visit me and after half a bottle of wine ask ‘ I really want to hook up with a woman tonight, do you have any friends.’

I am not sure if this is the conversations some are expecting.

Me:

‘Oh you are into the more strong silent type? Ah yes Njoki will be just great.’

‘Wena, you’re into the femme fatal vibe huh? Don’t worry Nondumiso is JUST the one for you.’

Step up step and enjoy Kagure’s Candy Carnival! Something sweet for all tastes! Do not worry oh straight ones your magical experience is just at their fingertips. Please do not let the fact that I am in a long term relationship and know mostly couples and straight women get in the way of your notion that I must have a selection of succulent sweeties somewhere in my social sphere just waiting to have a wild night with you.

How about, no? Although sarcasm is the lowest form of wit it is much needed in this case.

Ladies, a woman sleeping with other women  does not mean she will sleep with you. Just like in the heterosexual world, there are a whole host of things to consider the most important of which is will she even want to sleep with you.

This approach is one rooted in a set of ideas which are wildly problematic. Number one, all people who aren’t straight are promiscuous and number two they all want to sleep with you personally.

To play devil’s advocate to my own argument, there is the idea that having this wild little side fling will ensure that nothing ‘dramatic’ happens if the set experiment is in a controlled environment. Using a careful balance of heteronomativity, distance and a ‘whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’ mentality this could actually be explosive in a good way. Everyone walks away satisfied and happy. However this, like any other experiment can go catastrophically wrong and everyone involved (including your resident pimp) could end up with chemical burns. This is an idea that has been perpetuated by TV with the straight friend turning to her gay friend and asking things such as ‘what does it taste like?’ and somehow a friend of years is obligated to show you what your vagina tastes like, Zoe Saldana style.

From personal experience I have known the sting of an experimentation gone array. Rewind six and a half years and what started as wild weekend ‘bachelorette’ weekend with one of my bosom buddies and her two friends ended with me in an 11 month emotional rollercoaster masquerading as a relationship. This particular brand of fuckery was filled with fights, flights and all the drama that would make for a good season of reality TV. Yes, it made me deal with my sexuality and start to figure things out, but truth be told it was a sink or swim situation. Much as it ended up as a fairy tale (I met my fiancé at the tail end of that wildness), it could have just as quickly become an on-going nightmare with me battling my inner demons. I just got lucky, six years and more jewellery on my ring finger.

The fact of the matter is that one must be cognisant of the fact that sexuality is potent and powerful and if you play with it you may find yourself of the wrong side of an orgasm.

My feeling is that sometimes people think that sexuality is something that can be played with when you are not straight.

For example with the ‘so do you have a crush on me/am I your type?’ conversation. There are cases of women (and men) thinking I am attracted to all women purely because I have slept with women.

Let me tell you about another conversation I had one sunny day:

‘So me and my girlfriend…’

‘Oh! you’re not straight?’

‘Nope.’

‘So would you want to sleep with me? As in, am I your type?’

‘Nope.’

‘What?! I’m offended.’

*cue shock and outrage.*

Let me take a moment to state that being of an alternative sexuality means that you are allowed to have tastes and preferences. It is not such slim pickings that any crumb we are given we shall wolf up like a starving child. And thus we cannot and will not just be pawned off to everyone woman with a fantasy in her head and wetness in her loins. Being into women is not a lifestyle it is a life. It has a whole host of considerations and dimensions that your particular brand of horny may not fall into.

Question: Do you go up to your guy friends and say ‘damn it, I just want ANY man tonight. Find me one. You must know one. Any Tom, Thabo, or Jerry, just as long as he is a man.’ If you do, more power to you because the vagina is a muscle like any other and needs exercise. If not, don’t come around here with all of that. Yes it may not always be easy to find women who are not ‘straight’ (especially if you are looking in all the wrong places) but this does not mean that every woman who has ever been with another woman will automatically be with you.

Again, the pickings are not that slim. Women who sleep with women, have tastes and preferences, they have commitments. They have lives and existences outside their vaginas. Shoot, they may just not want to have sex. So keep in mind my queer friends are not my stable of ‘studs and femmes’ for you to play out your vacation fantasies. And I am not a madam, mostly because I do not have the requisite outfits or the pinache for it, nor the supposed ‘stable’. Truth of the matter is much as I have been with my fiancé for six years most of my friends are still heterosexual because they are the same ones I had before I came out.

So to answer your question, no, I don’t have a lesbian friend whose face you can sit on this weekend whilst on your ‘finding yourself’ get away.

This post was first published on Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women.

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