This is my story. I’m posting this to purge but I also hope it helps someone out there not repeat the mistakes I made.
I don’t believe you can measure love in minutes or weeks.
It’s a timeless inexplicable thing that sneaks up on you and you instinctively follow. But sometimes you get comfortable with your person, and that was my first mistake. Looking back, I wish I committed to seeing her in a new light each and every day; her brilliance, insecurities, anxiety, strength. All of it. Rather than assuming “we’ve been here before” or “I already know how to placate this” but actually putting the gut wrenching effort to communicate and act my love out, not merely just repeat the words over and over again, literally cloaking her in it.
I would drink less. I never thought in a gazzillion years alcohol would control me, but when I felt myself failing at this relationship, my type A personality couldn’t take it and I turned to the bottle for relief.
Worst mistake ever.
I ended up emotionally abusing the woman I swore to love, for me this was the worst kind of abuse I think of. From neglect, to putting up walls every time she tried to reach out, I would even ensure that she knew she was either silenced or her insecurities bugged the day lights out of me. Then when I sobered up, I used my financial advantage to try win her back.
She’s a sensitive spirit.
I could see the toll this took on her, and it ripped me apart to the core, to see what I had turned our love into. But my ego wouldn’t make me change. Still she tried to make it work. She kept the faith in us. At this point I added guilt to my basket of failures. My job was such that I could work long hours, so I spent less time at home. I literally avoided her, avoided us. Hoping this rough patch would magically disappear. She started pilling the pressure for us to try harder, be better and finally, I had an affair. It was a whimsical one night thing. It was not for the pleasure of it, I just needed to hold someone in that way, at that time. Funny thing is, the only person whose arms I wanted to be in I was hurting.
So she left. And my world, whatever the remnants, crashed. I now drank more in secret, worked longer hours, lost 10 kilos in a month. I was lucky that my work wife is a psychologist who gave it to me straight and now it has been 3 months of therapy and trying to forgive myself.
If this helps one person shape up and hold onto their beautiful thing, it’ll be worth putting my shame out there.
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