By Milian Miles

The entire trip home I fantasized about my warm sheets and the comfort that darkness would bring when closing in on my thoughts. It had been a long day at work; dealing with disgruntled clients and overbearing bosses. I was spent.  I was barely getting through my days and I started to live on remnants from my weekly Sunday shopping.

Halfway through my doorway, I couldn’t help but smile, the warm waft of hot air took me aback sending me to a place oh so familiar.

She was home.

This place which, on most nights was simply a cold imitation of a home, that night smelt of life, hot food and comfort. Linda was back in the capital and she’d decided to visit. Years later and she still had a key to my place.

Who is Linda?

Linda and I met, got married and had babies even before she met me. Our story is one I let the sky spirits write. She shows up in my life once in a blue moon and leaves me entangled in her demons when she walks away. I should probably never have started this free fall- but then again, the abyss that is the hole she leaves is in constant need of filling.

A hot meal and a bath was more than I could ask for that night; a change from my cereal ‘brupper’ (breakfast + supper) and facial wash. Dropping my bag at the door I felt the exhaustion ebb out of my body. I knew she would be at the stove cooking carefully stirring the broth, engulfed in its steam. She took everything she did seriously, a bit too seriously. Her cooking was was an image I had seen over and over again it was imprinted on my mind but as I leaned on the kitchen door watching her it was as though I was seeing her for the first time.  She must not have heard me come in because she went on oblivious of my preying eyes, skirting across the kitchen floor, she was always a sight to behold.


“How long have you been standing there?” She has never been one for mundane courtesies.

“Is dinner ready?” Neither was I, I was hungry and unashamed.

“Go wash up.”

She barely looked my way; it was the same script each time. She told me what to do and I obediently did. The water started off like a warm trickle caressing my body. I felt it as though it was seeping through my body, warming up my insides. Soon it was scalding hot and so were my loins, thinking of her biceps and luscious lips. With my arms stretched out and palms placed against the wall I let the water run down my back. My body begun trembling, my knees buckling I had to catch myself from touching myself.

The feel of her lips against the nape of my neck tipped me over and instinctively she wrapped her hands around me caressing my belly and cupping my breasts. I could feel my nipples harden under her touch and for a minute I felt naked and exposed. She trailed the stream of water along my back with her tongue. I couldn’t tell anymore the source of the sweltering heat along my spine.  Transfixed, I just stood there reeling in the bursts of pleasure that took my body hostage. Unable to contain my thirst, I turned earnestly looking for her tongue, but she wouldn’t let me have it. In an effortless sweep, I was pinned to the wall, both my hands above my head clasped in her palm and as though to taunt me she just stood there watching me.

Soaking it all in.

I couldn’t help but stare at how her bicep flexed involuntarily as she heaved. Her strength was always scary yet tantalizing at the same time.

Still staring at me I felt the tips of her fingers trail their way down my body, drawing little circles on their way down. Unable to look away I felt my chest get heavier by the second, my breathing was getting labored and as my lips parted she caught me mid breathe.


Her touch may have gotten my body yearning but her lips had me throbbing. She always tasted like strawberries. With her palm slowly approaching my pearl I found it hard to focus on her tongue on my lips, every now and then she tugged at my bottom lip as though pulling back from the realm I was quickly crossing over to. I could feel my juices drip and instinctively I spread my hips and arched my back hoping to guide her touch.

“Get dressed, dinner is ready.”

And just like that, she was at the door with a towel wrapped around her waist.

Toweled dry and clad in my silk dress shirt I made my way to the living room. Grilled chicken marinated in soy sauce and fresh ginger, sautéed spinach, baked potatoes and tartar sauce. If I did not know any better I would think she was trying to get me fat.

“I’ve gained three kilos in the last year,” she said with a huge grin right across her face. Linda’s dream was to always gain weight, while I starved and worked myself to the ground to lose it.

“Is that why you are working to get me fa- …”

I could feel my train of thought leave my body as she walked into the living room still wearing nothing but the towel across her waist. The sly grin on her face told of how much relish she took from such moments. Dinner now became a struggle of guiding my mandibles, esophagus and trachea in the ways of chewing, swallowing and breathing at the same time. Like a toddler in the naughty corner, I sat and ate my vegetables in silence afraid that if I spoke I would anger the sky spirits and they take her away from me, again.

I cleared the table and made my way to the kitchen to do the dishes, maybe the cold water would help calm the chaos that was stirring within my body.

Don’t give in this time; it will hurt more when she leaves. Last time it took you three months just to stop crying and leave the house. ‘Happiness is a choice you make everyday’- isn’t that what you said? You cannot fix this, the glass broken and if you keep trying to piece it back together you’re going to get cut.

Some things we tell ourselves are easier said than done and the universe is very much aware.

Caught up in the council meeting taking place in my mind I didn’t feel her walk up to me.

Happiness IS a choice you have to make, and I am choosing to be happy in this moment. Crumbs of joy thrown at you by the sky spirits that’s what this is, and I am not proud enough not to pick them.

I was in the middle of stating a very valid point when those arms went around me and I could feel her right next to me. Each time she took in a breathe I felt her toned abs right next to me and the sheer thread count of my silk shirt did very little to protect me from her.

“Babe, what do you want?”

Have a partner that could break you in half, stop herself and ask you what you want then maybe the warmness that creeps up on your heart and insatiable lust that consumes your body will be more than just words.

“Take me with you.”

Effortlessly, I was in the air and on the counter. The cold tiles could not put out the fire that now resided between my legs and as I wrapped them around her I couldn’t help but stare. What was it about her that threw me off the cliff each time?

Was it the way her jaw line etched beauty across the canvas that was her skin?

Was it her eyes that stared right through me and brought all my blood to the surface?

Was it her luscious lips that spoke of nothing but love to my soul?

Was it her arms that held me in the darkest of nights?

Was it her fingertips that painted my skin with trails of unquenchable fire?

Kissing her jarred my insides and placed an anchor on the casing that holds what remains of my heart. My chest rose gasping, panting and heaving as I tried to mimic that which I once knew to be breathing. I felt her lips caress my skin and her tongue curve out parts of me with every motion. Covered in soap and water my shirt clung to my body accentuating each goose bump that rose under her touch. I felt her grip on my skin and on my heart and for one last time I grabbed her face to just steal one more glance at she who will forever hold my heart. She smiled coyly as though telling me what I knew that entire night- this was the last time.

I came to on the kitchen floor covered in soap and water. As the tears rolled down my cheeks I felt her whisper,

“Babe, what do you want?”

It’s been three years since she died and tomorrow would have been our seven year anniversary.

For more from Milian click here.

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