By Nomaliqhwa/ @nomalili
They changed my medication and I’m really happy about that because it’s important that I feel that my medication is helping. It is important that I place a certain amount of faith in my medication working. That it works out.
So I feel good today.
And I realise that the reason I feel as good as I do is because I have accepted that these small bright glimmers that have made their way to me I can finally feel. I think up until this point I spent so much time thinking that when I finally got out of this never ending funk it would be in this great big movie like moment. Maybe I’m where I am right now because whilst chasing this great moment of profound happiness I have dismissed the smaller briefer times when I was happy.
Where I smiled.
Where I laughed.
Where I felt good.
Today I noticed that light had re-entered my life, today I noticed I felt good.
I’m grateful for the friends I do have. It’s important that I say that. I am in a phase in my life where suddenly everything is real and true and well it doesn’t make sense that things just be. And this is mostly and about the people in my life, everyone. Everyone has to make sense. And I’m glad that my friends make sense. Because I felt like the love that I have for them is absolute. And I don’t care that the number only gets to about 7. Or maybe it’s five. Sometimes it’s just two and yesterday I felt like it was just one. I think it’s okay that I am in that mode of thinking.
My future has suddenly been presented in front of me. And it looks bright. I don’t mean that in the flashy lights type of way. I just mean that I am feeling somewhat warm about the future and what it very possibly holds for me. Like it’s not was it was in the last weeks of my life namely murky, hazy, grey. It’s not grey. Its water colours running on a page. A tan coloured page. And on this is a figure of a man standing on a boat as it goes down my stream of water colours.
Today I saw a kid with a very awkward beard at the back of his chin. Does this mean he has a hairy neck? I wonder. I also wonder if he caught me staring. I was doing cereal shopping for my brother. Pushing the trolley, was my dad with my mum walking one way whilst my parents talked. I chimed in when we passed the basmati rice, because suddenly basmati rice is expensive, and we talked prices. And then my dad asked for soup and we rolled our eyes, but not in the dismissive way we do when the scenario isn’t as pleasant and quaint as grocery shopping with each other. I remember standing with my mom outside as we waited for my dad, and I felt really good being there. Being with my parents. Mum has a list. You have an agenda. Dad is pushing a trolley. Mental video getting played over. And in this frame we are smiling and I see in this my mum get frantic about just wanting to get home because her hands smell like onion and garlic because of the chicken that we have in the fridge. Just before she left home to pick my dad up from the clinic she was knee deep in spices.
I really hoped I would get something out of that trip. Like a chocolate maybe. But no. and I find agitation funny. Because my dad agitates me at the store. First he rolls the trolley a little too closely to me so the trolley keeps hitting into me and when I looked at him he looked around like there wasn’t anything wrong. Then now he’s rolling the trolley into me again and again. Maybe it’s about the bacon. And suddenly we got to the till and the sweets that I wanted, the sweets that would make it all worth it aren’t there. I patted my pocket. Tomorrow was going to be my day.
I am going home home and I need to get my ID. My aunt has a connection in the city that my grandparents live in who works in the passport office so he can get me this ID. My aunt doesn’t live in this city, it’s very small. The type of town that is still excited that it got to be a town. All this means I wish this means I had really vivid memories of it but not really. I just remember that the town was boring. Oh, and that the town didn’t sell sanitary products. That was very not at all cool. But my aunt getting to kind of know a guy who can maybe hopefully get me my ID is hilarious. I appreciate her hustle.
I did that thing of where an ex comes up in your head and you press send after sending what was just a stupid text. It would be fun trying to get behind those feelings. Did I feel lonely? No. Do I really want what he has to offer? Long sigh.
And just like that there’s the panic stress hits in. What do I do? He’s going to see it and see that I was using my awkward flirty move? I like how it’s named like others exist.
Slightly panicky about what the response will be. It would be somewhere along the lines of “I knew you needed me, here are my demands”. The plot twist thickens. Your text only has one tick.
Mummy challenged me to look good. I was taken aback. She claimed that I was becoming thicker and need to think about my relationship with food. I didn’t care that I’d become a slight fatty until two things. I start my routine with French toast, muesli, tea and a yogurt. Sometimes I add more. Bacon. Another slice of toast. Or chips. Okay mostly chips. And it’s my breakfast ready to go.
My guilty feel good indulgence is watching TLC and yay Iyanla: Fix My Life. And I was like alright this is going to be good because it was like a ‘sister thing’ and had more people involved. I was really hoping that it was going to be the episode with DMX but this seemed cool. And suddenly I’m shocked as these sisters start talking about their weight. The episode is about their relationship with food, food to them was the only thing they could control. I was gobsmacked, I always expected to relate to a Iyanla episode in one way or another but like this? In terms of food? In terms of depression, rape, suicidal tendencies? So I looked really good today. I can’t fit into this one really expensive pair pants from The Lot and I was as bitter as I felt writing this as you did reading this. I guess I need to do better in terms of what I eat.
I haven’t gotten the opportunity to just sit down and talk to my mother yet today but even as I sit here trying to gather my thoughts what has made itself obvious to me is that my mother has always been everything I’ve ever needed her to be. . It amuses me how much I’ve become like her, how so many of the things that she does, I do too. I have metamorphosed into my mother. Panic and all. And the glasses. The way I talk. The way I get angry very quickly if I’ve heard something, my nostrils starting to flair. Today when she couldn’t find her wallet I secretly giggled when she said “ah shit man”. And then this morning she was talking about how ‘crap the weather is’. Her friend did something amazing which inspires her to talk about her own dreams. Something about moving to India. No. she should focus on somewhere we all can have a good time. Maybe like the islands.
Day one on my new meds today.
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