‘Personal is poison. Personal distracts, invites relationships. Let me be no one. Unheard, unseen, unpraised and unloved.’ -Tim Cooper
This quote used to be my everyday mantra up until I met her. Zan.
Even from afar, she was radiant. Amongst a crowd of women, she was the only one that stood out to me. She did not catch mind’s my attention, but my heart’s attention. I was on duty at work and she just happened to be there. Even though I did not know at the time, my heart knew that was the beginning of me falling in love. See, falling in love to me happens once in a blue moon, and I mean blue.
This time, fate was in control. She made me yearn for a certain kind of love, one that weakens not at the knees but right at the ankles. I mean that profound love which heals the deepest wounds. I knew, from the moment, I saw her that she was what I needed all my life. I wanted to run up to her that day as I watched her leave and whisper in her ear, ‘I want you to kiss me till I become unable to function from the touch of your tongue against mine. I want to kiss you deeply in the early hours of the morning, and not giving a damn about morning breath as every scent of yours titillates my senses.’
This, my Nubian Queen is unconditional love.
I always wondered why I loved certain songs so much. It never dawned to me that I was yet to meet you, my Zan. I still remember it like it was yesterday, it all started with a pout, I still laugh at the thought. As much as it messed up the entire photo, I was admiring you through the viewfinder of my camera. There and then I knew I had to at least talk to you, even if it meant one word. I became brave enough to take the leap of faith and approach you as you stood amidst your friend. I am shy by nature, so that day I fought what was natural. You had only to utter one word and your voice took me to heights I never imagined. I felt dizzy just from listening to you although managed not to lose my composure.
Let me tell you what you made me realise in a short space of time…
I realized that for the past five years I haven’t been living but merely existing, my Nubian. I had lost sense of what it feels like to actually love someone unconditionally, to feel this sort of love at first sight. We met at a time where I was seriously considering becoming a nun. People around me thought my holy pursuit was funny, but I was determined. Little did I know that after meeting you I would realise for the first time how it really felt like to love without hiding the parts of me that aren’t that pretty.
It is our intense connection that made me realise falling in love has no time limit or span. For some it takes years, in our case it took only seconds for our hearts to dance to the same beat and connect without any boundaries.
I still feel the butterflies that floated in my stomach when we first met and when I touched your hand. It was our first date, you looked so gorgeous and I couldn’t help but continuously admire you. My main focus was your inner beauty; however the exterior could not go unnoticed. To me you personify the true meaning of love. It is human nature to, when things fall into place, engage in moments of doubt instead of embracing it. You and I my Love are extra ordinary humans, not even mortals but immortal beings. Our souls will live together, and out love will stand the test of time.
Zan my love, thank you for making me understand my reality, just by coming into my life. I have spent so much time with you without spending very much at all, it feel almost clairvoyant in nature.
Maybe I need to meditate so that I can connect with self in an intense conversation around the notion of ‘I’. I cannot help but wonder how ‘I’ ended where it is. Looking through the eyes of ‘I’ relate to ‘I’s confusion. In a blink of an eye it became ‘us’ then ‘we’ and eventually went back to ‘I’.
See, I can utter the words ‘I love you’. It is not in saying it that proves I love you but in the fact that I will not have to think twice about my answer that proves that I love you unconditionally.
Intelligent being, you are my dear loving wife. I want to let you know that you don’t have to prove, explain or elaborate on anything concerning us. We are us because we were meant to be.
“It’s just something we have no control over! And that’s what destiny is”- EminemI love you Zan,
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