Nirvana

By Ashes

Loving me was not easy,

I set you alight and reveled in that glory,

I put that fire out and cradled you.

I held you like a lantern, knowing that eventually I would have to let you go

Whilst I waited for salvation, I become a savage.

With each emotional investment, my recession of hatred for you increased,

How dare you love me unconditionally?

You made the conscious decision to forgo sanity and love me, love me despite my short-comings and self-hatred, love the scars on my arms and the prescription pills that I was ever so intrigued with

Remember the day we sat in our apartment and I had a packet of sleeping pills and milk besides you and asked you if you wanted to know what euphoria felt like?

How Nirvana was death and I could give you that without being dead.

When you looked at me with tired eyes and asked me how, I realized I had polluted your soul.

My constant yearning for death had put in between two worlds

I gave you four anti-spasm pills and told you they were sleeping pills and you downed them faster than your usual gin and tonic

As I sat with you whilst you awaited your release from me, I let you go.

I let you go from my toxicness and death,

I let you go emotionally and I knew it was not enough.

Your soul was long gone before your flesh surrendered to death

Lover, I will never know how to love you

I will never know how to live for you

I have died for myself every day since you left

Your heart beats but your soul resonates emptiness inside of you

Forgive me because I did not know why I had to love you.

 

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