Things to know about bisexuals: A beginner’s guide

By HOLAA ed.

Bisexuals get a lot of hassle. Not sure when all the shade started being thrown but it comes from both the straight and the LGTIQ community. Noticed how I missed the B, seeing as some believe we do not even exist.

So seeing as we do not ‘exist’ people tend to make up a few things about us. Here at HOLAA our resident bisexual is going to put some of the rumours to rest.04f1d6741f0f25330533c3ad66f9e2878b2521-wm (1)

Just because I am with a man/ woman does not mean I am now a lesbian/straight.

I am still bisexual. I am a bisexual with a man or a woman. Just because I go to a garage does not mean I am now a mechanic.

Being with someone does not change who I am, it just means I am dating someone.

I am not twice as likely to cheat on you.

There is the myth that by being bisexual you automatically have double the options. Although logically this may be true somehow the numbers do not work out.

Somehow the numbers do not work out. You aren’t suddenly salivating twice as much as were before. I personally did not experience a spike in the number of people I found attractive.

Maybe I am just whack.

keep-calm-im-not-a-player-just-because-im-bisexualIt really is all about the sort of person you are. There are some women who are strictly into femmes but will see someone attractive every 10 seconds, who just stay thirsty.

There are people who will find someone attractive every three months, and only if the person looks fresh to death and smells good. This is normal when it comes to other sexualities. There are some who constantly have an eye out and some who do not.

Same thing with bisexuals, you are attracted to the person and having more potential options does not necessarily mean that you will now be attracted to everyone you meet. No doubt the number of options does increase but it is all about the type of person you are, some people are attracted to lots of people, some aren’t.

Levels of thirst are important here, judge them from bisexual to bisexual.

Which speaks to the fact that…

I am not automatically into threesomes

Some random: ‘So, you, me and my girlfriend…’

Me: ‘No.’

Just because bisexuals have the potential to be attracted to both men and women does not mean we attracted to every man and woman. We do not automatically want you and your girlfriend. We may just want your girlfriend, we may want you. We may want no one and actually just want a cheese sandwich.  Being bisexual does not mean we automatically want double the sex.

Which leads to the fact that…

We do not automatically have more sex

Not everyone is waiting to throw it at us like rice at a wedding, and truth be told we do not always want it thrown at us like rice at a wedding.  Bisexuals do not have raging sex drives to keep up with our supposed tonnes and tonnes of options.

Before my last girlfriend I did not have sex for two years. That is not exactly the most lively sex life in the world. Sure I had some interesting moments getting head in a car but those were few and far between.  I am talking ‘six months since anyone last saw my vagina’.

I probably had less sex after coming to terms with my bisexuality.  Yep, definitely less sex.

Most weekend this was my sex mood:


Speaking of which…

We do not have automatically higher sex drives

Sometimes I have a headache. Sometimes the woman over there pretends she is on her period for the last 2 weeks. Sometimes that bisexual woman you know just wants to read or watch Empire. Sometimes sex is just not a real thing when you are a bisexual. Just because we find more than one gender attractive does not mean we suffer from ‘the eternal thirst’.

We do not.

Sometimes the muffin shop is closed.

We do not have Twice as Many Options0511fc61b6667a327802f91f7019269732fdfc

Sometimes people are interested. Sometimes they are not. Same as everyone else.

We are not comparing you to other sexes in bed

If we are with a man we are not comparing the encounter to the last time we were with a woman and vice versa. The only time the comparison comes up is when you bring it up. All it really comes down to is a pissing contest. You are feeling insecure so you are projecting that.

Don’t. Stay in your lane and run your race.

Comparing men and women is nonsensical as the experiences are different. Same way to some extent it is wrong to compare lovers because people are different. Now if someone simply does not try then that is a different story.

They must be compared on account of being whack.

But if you are comparing apples and potatoes then that is just counterproductive.

Straight women we do not want to help you ‘experiment’

Dear straight woman with bi-curiosity, am I wearing a lab coat?


Therefore I am not a scientist and will not be holding your hand as you conduct an experiment.

Thank you and goodbye.

We are not doing it to seem sexy or exotic (especially to men)

Bisexual is the new sexy.

Which is also the new black.

Which is also possibly the new orange.

Except it really isn’t the new sexy.

Being bisexual is not about seeming alluring or being mysterious, or even trying to come across as wild. For someone who is bisexual the idea of using our sexuality as a marker for how wild and sexy we are is the same as an accountant using their maths skills for the same reason. There are some very sexually boring bisexuals out there, the same way there are some very sexually explosive straight/lesbian people.

Your sexuality has very little to do with your sexual tastes, some people are adventurous some people are not.  This is the case for all sexualities.

The day I realised I was bisexual I did not suddenly feel like I must get into swinging, BDSM, sex in public bathrooms.

Ok, that last one isn’t true.  I was always kind of into sex in public places but that has nothing to do with being bisexual.

I merely realised I liked women as well as men. No new visions of being a Victoria Secret model, or working in the Playboy Mansion. I did not start envisioning myself as walking down the street in slow motion and throwing a wink at strangers who then walked into lamp posts.

In fact, I think I ate a lot of crisps, wore track pants and watched a lot of series. Quite a few episodes of the L-Word but mostly Grey’s Anatomy.

We are not ‘hiding’ from society

By saying we are bisexual this does not mean that we are just trying to avoid having the awkward conversation with our aunty who goes ‘my baby when are we getting cows for you?’ Yes society can be wildly homophobic even to the point of being scary but this is not us trying to walk the line and hide. We genuinely like men as well. And we like you.

And that is a real thing.

Which also means…

We are not eventually going to ‘make a choice’

There are a lot of people who visited our fair country of Bisexualania on their way to Gay-town or New Lesbo-City or on their way back to Straight-ville. We residents of Bisexualania have always been kind to visitors but then when you get back to your home towns you begin to throw shade.


People using our beautiful country as a rest stop have given us a bad name. Yes some people are just passing through and temporarily getting ‘bisexual citizenship’ but the rest of us live here, work here, eat here, know all the local bars and can tell you the best places to get nyama choma.

So stop acting like this is not a real thing just because at one point you or someone you know was lost while trying to find their home turf.

This is ours.

We are not going anywhere.

The rejection hurts

Saying things like ‘do you fear disease when you are a bisexual’ and ‘I would never sleep with a bi person because they are just confused’ is not nice. Passing on stigma and discrimination based on misconceptions and your own insecurity is not cool.

Because that is all it is, ignorance and insecurity.

Bisexuals are neither this nor that. Also no two are the same. How would you like it if someone was like ‘all these lesbians are…’ or ‘straight women always…’

A lot of the venom usually comes from the idea that we are not ‘committing to the cause’ and do not want to admit that we are full blown ‘gold star lesbians’ .

We aren’t.

Thoughts like that are what have us being left in the cold constantly, by everyone. And being in the cold is such a sad lonely place.

Lady-Gaga-gifs-lady-gaga-34010656-500-271So these are not all the rules of interacting with bisexuals but they are a couple to start. It’s deep out there being bi. I know people think that bi people are just living that wild sexy life but really it’s not the case. We have a sexuality, just like the rest of you and we aren’t playing about and we aren’t gay lite or straight with a lemon twist.

We are just bisexual.

That is a real thing.


For more on bisexuality check out this post on being asked ‘what team you play for’ or even this one about double the goodness

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