Don’t freak out, you are just attracted to a woman

By HOLAA! ed,

‘She has an amazing dress on, and those heels are so amazing, the way they accentuate her calves and make her behind…’

Wait,a second.What just happened?

Did you just check out that woman’s ass?

Yes. Yes you did.

As a straight woman does that now mean you must send your boyfriend a tense message saying you need to talk?

No. No you don’t.

The world did not twist on its axis. All that happened was that you found a woman attractive. Chances are when she put on that killer dress that was the intention, possibly not necessarily to entice you or that creepy pervert next to you also looking, but the idea behind the dress was to incite attraction.



And it worked, on you.

And there is nothing wrong with that. The fact you checked her out also does not mean you are now lesbian, or bisexual or even bi-curious for that matter.

It just means you checked out a woman.

This is a conversation I have had many times with friends and sometimes even strangers. Once they learn that I have a girlfriend they have a story about a time when they watched a scene in a movie where two women kissed, or they read something where women had sex and they found themselves wet.

‘What, oh great and wise one does this mean?’ they ask with an earnest look on their face.

I sit quietly and the world goes still. Time ticks by slowly and their earth stops spinning for awhile.

Eventually I open my eyes look them right in the face and answer:


Cue shock.

Yes, my beautiful women it means nothing at the least and very little at the most. Having one instance in which you are attracted to a woman does not make you suddenly ‘change sexuality’. It does not mean that you are now suddenly something else because the thought of one woman making another moan turned you on.

It should.

It does not get more sensual than that. There is no shame in finding stars beautiful, 28681-nicki-minaj-Hell-no-gif-LuBddoesn’t mean you are now going to quit your job and go get a degree in astrology. It just means you like stars and sometimes you can stare at them at night and have them as a background on your computer. But if you do not feel the deep need to go and read the history of stars Volumes I –XXII then chances are you are not a closet astronomy expert.

However if you do feel the need to read volumes I-XXII, then that is a different story.

If you find yourself always staring at women (and not for their outfits) or if the feelings you have for someone have become too strong to ignore then this is a slightly different conversation. At that point maybe applying a little thought to the situation would be for the best.

Is there a friend of yours who you cannot stop thinking about in that way? Or you find yourself constantly having the urge to be with another woman sexually? Then chances are you aren’t straight.

Again, this is not the end of the world and you are not suddenly someone different and need to rethink your entire life. You have an attraction towards a woman/women. Understanding the societal repercussions, it is still not the end of the world. This is probably where the majority of your fear comes from: that is it not natural.

2735345150594728373The thing is it is. Just like how colours come in many shades,sexuality exists on a spectrum not just one tone. So maybe the type of red you thought you were is actually a little closer to pink, maybe it is a little closer to maroon. It is still red and very much a real colour.

The societal repercussions are what make us so scared that either people repress what they feel or they blow it way out of proportion in order to justify whatever negativity they feel could come.

Just breathe, be calm.

It is not the end of the world. We have been conditioned to believe (even within the LGBT community) that once you are ‘something’ you are that thing forever. Once you are ‘straight’ then that is all you can be and you shall be strickly dickly forever. If you like women then you must shoot to be a ‘gold star lesbian’ where you cannot even glance at a vagina that has been near a penis. So when something comes along and challenges what you thought you knew then that can be extremely scary.

And that is OK.

But just know that:

  1. It is not the end of the world if there is a slight shift from what you know. It is not a change in your entire identity. You are still Kikuyu/Xhosa/Banyankole/Muslim/WestAfrican/accountant/ tap dancer/twereker. There is just something new that your palette is interested in.
  2. Change is sometimes OK to explore if you are brave enough. Maybe discuss these feelings with someone who you can trust. Try a little lesbian erotica like this here on Adventures or this over here. Maybe a little lesbian porn (even though most is pretty vile and awful). Maybe a one night stand.

*Note: Be careful how you experiment. Do not play with people and their lives and emotions. People are not play things.*

The hard and fast labels we have put on sexuality do not come from our shores and they are very dangerous as they say who belongs with whom and who belongs to whom. Having an attraction to a woman is only scary if you believe it has changed you and is the end of the world, which it is not.

So be calm, carry on and if the urge is strong then do something about it. If not, watch that porn, look at that woman, read that post and enjoy your existence.

For more on being a straight woman in a strange world here check out Reasons a straight woman shouldn’t say she is about to go gay and Sex and curiosity: The Fantasy on the other side of straight.

For more on Africa and being gay Africa are we really just super gay?, Homosexuality is ‘Un-African’ In pre-colonial Africa and Pre-colonial Igboland: Woman on Woman Marriage.

Submit your writing, photos or anything else to HOLAA! email:

*leave a comment on the post, you can write it under a different name and your email will not be published.*


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[…] more pieces like this check out Don’t freak out, your are just attracted to a woman, Reasons every man needs a lesbro and HOLAA’s post on loving yourself […]

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[…] And my being in a relationship coupled with the comfort of friendship, not to mention me ‘cute as a button’ demeanour, allowed these women the space to explore something outside themselves and flirt with another woman. […]

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