By Dyke road
I believe that everyone is entitled to determine what factors matter most in their lives. True happiness, societal approval- even this even can be a measure of true happiness, money, power, or glory. If I work everyday of the week from 8 am to 10 pm because I know that my boss expects this and I want him or her to approve of me, I might be doing so to my own mental and physical detriment but then I garner his/her approval which might lead to an early promotion or a pay-rise.
On the other hand, I might decide to get married to man I am not physically attracted to and do not love because I want to stop listening to my parents bang on about how I am getting too old for marriage and my ovaries are wrinkling. Doing so has invariably locked me into at least a few years of unhappiness but I have won their approval and shut them up for good.
Presuming, I plan to carry this secret to my grave, I have single-handedly chosen this difficult path to thread.
It is such a huge burden to bear that it is not uncommon to hear of people giving up their plans of being in the closet half-way.
They want to be free.
Maybe they have overcome being ashamed or the situation of their initial trade-off has changed. But, the outcome of that is that they have wasted so much time suffering. Time, that can never recovered.
Of course, this is not to say that the disapproval that some people fear so much does not have a direct impact. Some people lose their jobs, get disowned by their families or have their entire businesses discredited or thrown into debt for coming out of the closet. In societies where there is no redress for such actions, freedom and truth to self could seem like taking a iPhone with Wi-Fi instead of tons of water and food on a trip to the desert.
One would be very nice to have but you really need the other two to survive.
The most common reasons I’ve heard for people choosing not to come out include, expectations from families to get married and have children, bringing shame upon the family name, and coming from very religious homes where fanaticism pervades common sense.
In a more just society, I would like to think that any gay person who has failed to come out because of the fear of disapproval has played the wrong cards. You have a secret which you guard so closely in a world where nothing really remains hidden under the sun. You have opted to bear a heavy burden in a world where the chances of life getting easier as we grow older is probably close to zero.
Freedom and personal happiness in the area of sexual and emotional well-being surely holds value when measuring one’s happiness.
After several discussions with friends who tried to convince me that staying in closet was an act of love and sacrifice rather than of cowardice and illogical thinking, the last question was to ask myself how I got so selfish. I too, had parents and siblings and they held positions of status in their own respects. I lived in this religion-crazed society with them too. Where did I get off with deciding that it was not a useful position to stay in the closet, if all I stood to lose was disapproval?
I wrote down a list of things that were important to me in life and family was at the top of the list. Friendship was second. Love was third and Honesty was seventh on this list. There is no perfect family.
Each one has its own quips but I believe that love and honest discussion can move mountains.
In my family, we usually start discussions with the premise that each person is entitled to their opinions. Contributions are offered with an “up-for-grabs” air. No one person’s views are facts, and disagreements on opinions are respectfully welcomed. We make it a point to come at each other from a place of love, and curiosity to understand and to accept another person’s position, even if you do not agree with it.
Of course, understanding is a process.
I tried to come out to my mum several times and she would not hear it. She refused to engage me on that front but I kept pressing until one day her position moved. All the times I tried, I did not know how she would react. Whether she would lash out, whether she would take me to church for prayers- my mum is a very religious person. But, I knew that she loved me and that my happiness was important to her.
I pushed so much because I believed that she would come around. I chose not to comfortably allow her to ignore an important aspect of my life. I know my choice was easy in comparison to what many face. Yet, it was still a choice. Lying to remain in the closet did not make sense to me. I would rather come out with it and deal with the consequences than dig myself into a hole.
Where it is safe, I try to tell people I am queer before they get to know me too much. It might seem like an over-the-top out and proud move but it has a very important strategic undertone. I am giving this new acquaintance a chance to know this “big deal” about me before they become so important to me and their feelings start to mean anything to me.
Because I barely know them, I don’t need to worry whether I will disappoint or disgust them. If I happens that they disapprove of me, we can cut ties and keep our losses to a minimum.
In many Nigerian cultures, family prevails over the individual so when we talk about asserting our individuality at the detriment of those of the family, it is really easier said than done. Despite this, I maintain that the struggle to attain that status of ‘individual’ especially where it concerns the ability to be open about your sexuality is worthwhile. It is an area where lying is more costly than honesty regardless of what it looks like.
As long as there is no threat of physical harm, where confronted with an opportunity to be honest, the long run benefits far outweigh those of lying. Once your vulnerabilities are exposed, you have less to be afraid of. I believe that where we know that we do not stand the threat of physical harm, and even emotional harm, then we must try to come out.
Whether, we do it in slow steps, unravelling who we are by giving clues through acts of subversion; until we are finally ready to say those words, we must try.
Excuses like, “why should we have to come out when straight people never do so” and “why can’t I just live my life as I want, quietly and secretly, without upsetting anyone and without saying anything” should not cut it because this an area where the personal is really not personal. People who you are not fucking, have no intention of fucking or will never fuck in a million years are hotly bothered by who you fuck or do not fuck.
I believe that it is an obligation, for those of us who it is safe to do so, to educate people by coming out whenever we can. This spreads the word that there are people who are ‘different’ but it also closes the gap on what they view ‘different’ as. Those people who are close to you, know and love you can then see that your sexuality is part of who you are. Those who are not yet close to you will probably see that you are not an alien, you are just a regular person who eats, breathes and shits just like them.
Finally, being gay/bi/queer is not just about sex with people of the same gender. Those relationships are often the bedrock of people’s lives.
We build our lives around the mental and emotional support of those we are close to and love.
It is incredibly difficult to go about life without having people who ground you. It is a lucky thing to find someone who you can grow with and build your life around. Imagine having to cut ties from this person because your relationship is unacceptable to others. Imagine having no roots in life, no unconditional support, no emotional nourishment, no fulfilling sexual bonds, no love. Imagine floating through life without any real support. Surely, you can see that lying isn’t sustainable.
The closet is not a safe haven. The closet is not your friend.
Read Pt I, just in case you missed it.
First published on her site DykeRoad
For more coming out stories have a read of the Things I Wish I Had Told You Before I Came Out, Sexual Health for WSW in Nigeria and Coming Out to My Doctor and Don’t Call Me Pretty A Stem Coming Out Party as well as as A little longer: A plea for full existence.
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