Queer in a maze

By Sazike

I’ve been a lesbian before I knew what a lesbian was.

I was definitely a lesbian when we were ten and kissing in our primary school restroom and I felt butterflies truly for the first time.

I was a lesbian when we were 12 when we kissed as we waited in the backseat of my mum’s car.

I was a lesbian when I was in 11th grade and I flipped my braids to attract her attention.

I was definitely a lesbian as I listened to her breathing as she fell asleep beside me.

I’m a lesbian.

Sometimes I think maybe I’m bisexual?  Sometime ago there were boys who I thought were God’s gift to the Earth. However I saw them more in a romantic light rather than sexually.  So I’m bi-romantic homosexual?

I don’t know what I am.

When I came out to my friends as bisexual they asked me “What’s your type? Who do you like more?”

What is my type? Who do I like more? It’s not that easy.

I can’t help thinking that if I didn’t feel so ashamed about being attracted to the same sex since I was a kid, I might have been able to understand it all better by now. Maybe if I didn’t stop talking to her after we kissed we could have talked about how we both felt. Maybe if I had asked google about that instead of just asking google about pornography, I would understand it better by now.

Maybe if my relatives didn’t tell me that if I was gay I would catch AIDS, I wouldn’t have been so afraid I had caught it at 11 after kissing her.

So many maybe’s but what am I?

I’ve been reading and they say it is okay for you to not know and that sexuality is fluid so maybe I was bisexual but I am not right now but I could be again later?

Maybe I’m pansexual?

Society creates this construct of what you should be and I am prisoner under it, but I am making my escape.

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For another story of being young and discovering sexuality check out Doing Supi or even the short story The Children who started the fire Pt I and II.

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