Dildo Dynamix

By Annonymous

I recall packing for a trip when my heterosexual male friend reminded me, jokingly, to pack my vibrator. In a state of excitement ( because of the kind reminder) I dashed into my bedroom and pulled out my tiny purple vibrator – a birthday present from two naughty friends. This purple vibrator has been the main bone of contention between my friend and I ever since.

The heterosexual male does not seem to understand why I call myself lesbian when I use a vibrator. He, the heterosexual male, is convinced that there is something wrong with my lesbianism if I enjoy the use of a phallic toy. The heterosexual male continued to make jokes about this, asking:  “if lesbians say that they are real lesbians then why do they need vibrators? Isn’t that the same as having sex with a man?” Even though my friend is very well-read and not ‘an innocent’, this conversation/argument still continues to this day. We spend less time together now.

Perhaps I should have taken a breath and found a way of explaining, but I was upset with the fact that my close friend ridiculed me and simply does not understand sexuality. However, I received the same question from my gay male friend who said to me, while studying my book on Lesbian Kamasutra (by Kat Harding), that “you know, I get the whole lesbian thing but why do they want to use vibrators and dildos if they are not attracted to men?” This time, this question threw me into a more calm analysis of sexuality. I refuse to focus on one thing i.e. lesbians using sex toys.

I will focus broadly on the variability of sexual practices among all couples and hope to bring us to the conclusion that “sex is sex”.

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All that really matters is attraction.

With my friend’s keen interest, I commenced my long speech by asking, “what is it about men and their penises? This attachment that men have to their penises seems to blind them to fact that the penis is not as important as they make it out to be. Men identify with their penises. Women, on the other hand, do not really fixate on their vaginas. Men’s penises are their symbol of strength, entitlement, power and authority. Even though the tide is changing and women are becoming more interested in their vaginas and reclaiming such words as “pussy” some of us are not yet where men are in terms of being attached to our genitalia.

With regards to unconventional sexual practices within different relationships; there are heterosexual men who enjoy anal sex with their heterosexual female partners. A lot of people would roll their eyes and say “GAY” in response to this. I am aware of lesbian women who enjoy anal sex with their female partners. What about heterosexual males who enjoy receiving anal sex? GAY right? A more extreme example would be a heterosexual female who stays with her Male To Female Transsexual partner after the transition. So, if we are to classify everyone according to the type of sex they practice then all the men I have spoken of are either bisexual or GAY, the lesbian woman I spoke of is a closeted transgendered man who is gay, the men who enjoy receiving anal sex are certainly gay and the wife of the MTF transsexual is now a lesbian. This would make the dildo-sex practicing lesbians two heterosexual women who just can’t find or keep men. Which is, of course, ridiculous!

So, even though I cannot provide a definite answer to my friends’ questions, I can make them understand that there is no answer besides the fact that “sex is sex” and attraction is all that matters. It will be years before men from the Stone Age will understand  all this but this is all the truth there is to the matter. Perhaps a question should be asked; when you see a guy, do you see a penis walking towards you? Why is our expression of our sexuality limited to what society expects and is most comfortable with? Sexuality is a continuously evolving puzzle and people should not be classified according to what kind of sex they practice.

No one likes to live in a box.

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image source:autostraddle.com
image source:autostraddle.com

9 comments

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Maybe you could tell them that sex with dildos just means you like penetration and not dicks. And the fact that the ‘who’ that’s doing the penetrating REALLY matters… Usually it matters more than the penetration.

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I loved this article, I think that I would’ve responded similarly- that there is a difference between attraction and what one enjoys sexually. Going by the friend’s logic all heterosexual women who need clitoral stimulation during sex must be lesbians, though you never hear that argument the way that you hear “lesbians who enjoy penetration must be straight”. And to be honest it shouldn’t be up to the queer community to educate the masses on sexuality, vanilla heteosexual sex isnt the only or “right” way to have sex, and every argument that pushes the LGBTQ community towards heterosexuality is ignorant and narrow minded. sex is sex.

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Its our mission! Spread the ideas and spread the word! YEAH! thats why people must write, and write on the sexy and fun as well as all the other things. Sex is sex. Thanks for this!

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Some peoples’ questions leave me numb. I honestly wonder what some men think a lesbian is? I mean how I have sex first and foremost should not be up for discussion unless you are my sexual partner. Secondly, penetration is not an exclusive male given gift…anyone can penetrate another in anyway. Thirdly, a dildo is not attached to a man, so how does that link it to lesbians wanting sex with men? People just need to get over themselves and start focusing on their love lives. I just can’t comprehend how some people get to the conclusions they do.

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EXACTLY! People can ask all sorts of intrusive questions about what people do in bed just because you are with a woman. It all goes back to the idea that the penis is the centre of everything and OF COURSE everyone is going looking for it. People also do not understand that there is actually OTHER things that happen in the bedroom as well.
Thank you so much for your comments!

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Okay. Now I hear and respect the argument that people should not feel entitled to ask questions about your bedroom experiences just because you are lesbian.And I agree that it is not up to LGBTQ community to teach vanilla heteros about sexuality. However as a vanilla hetero who is trying to change my flavour, I honestly have a curiosity about what goes in the bedroom where two women are having sex. The same way I am seriously curious about what happens in the bedroom where a self-proclaimed virgin puts it down on a man that he doesn’t mind not having penetration every time. My lacking imagination aside, I think some dialogue with the vanillas is vital. Not necessarily about your personal bedroom endeavours but about not being heterosexual. Yes it is not your job but the same way there are just things that need to be explained to a white friend about aspects of my black self, and the same way there are some things that my mom just doesn’t get about my youth status, some things are asked out of curiosity and a genuine desire to understand what is not easily graspable to the person asking. So booo the people who make fun and stubbornly believe that sex can only happen with a man and please do not answer anything you do not wish to BUT please do consider that if every question is dismissed the fallacies, rumours and pervasive understandings about sexuality, penises, and sex will remain. Plus perhaps you schooling us vanillas is the only way, we’ll stop being so damn vanilla.

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If you’re interested in finding out about the things that women do then feel free to flick through the site, we’ve had so many wonderful contributors write about pleasure and passion between women.

The best space to learn about what you like and love sexually is with your future lover(s), everybody is different… Just play it safe and know your HIV and STI status.

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